Hope is all we have

“Hope can be a powerful force. Maybe there’s no actual magic in it, but when you know what you hope for most and hold it like a light within you, you can make things happen, almost like magic.”

-Laini Taylor

I didn’t have a very comfortable life as a child. We had many financial and household issues to deal with. Everyday was a struggle for us, especially my mom. However, if I were to compare my mental strength back then to now, I was way more happy, hopeful and positive in the past. I refrained from overthinking every single aspect of my life, I was hopeful and positive of a bright future, I knew things would turn out in our favour sooner or later. I had something to look forward to, I had a lot of goals for my future, the future seemed like a happy dream that I was eager to convert to reality.

Things did work out in our favour. Most of my childhood goals have been accomplished (from earning a degree, getting a stable job, fulfilling the basic materialistic goals such as buying a branded cell phone to fancy clothes to renovating my house). Life should be amazing, I should be happy, I shouldn’t have anything to crib about anymore. Well that’s the issue, why does all of this still seem difficult? Why do we forget everything that has worked for us and always focus on the things that we don’t have? Why does my mind have to overthink every single moment of my life and present me with situations that always seem unfavorable and scary? I was never this confused during my childhood when we had very few reasons to be happy or grateful for. But now when I have a zillion things to be happy about, my mind keeps redirecting me to that one thing that I don’t have or that one goal I might never achieve!

I had problems back in my childhood as well. But I was hopeful of a happy future and that dream kept me alive. It gave me the energy to fight the devils of my mind and just focus on the task at hand. As I grew up and came across more failures in life, my hopeful nature lost it’s sheen and my mind started storing and reliving the real life experiences of feeling lost, disappointed, hurt and scared. Because of this I’ve reached at a phase in life where every new decision causes my mind to relive all the pain and trauma I’ve experienced in the past. Thus, I’m unable to think straight, hope for a bright future, work towards a goal or simply be happy without overthinking any aspect of my life.

Overthinking sucks big time. It makes every simple decision of my life into a life or death situation. It completely drains my energy and distorts my ability to think straight. I know happiness is not a destination but a life long journey. A single event or goal in our life doesn’t have the ability to keep us happy forever. It’s a daily process, a life long effort and developing a hopeful attitude towards life.

I might have mentioned this many times before but I need to reiterate it to myself as I’ve lost my track and fallen deep into the black hole of overthinking. It has drained me and is now clouding my judgement. It isn’t allowing me to enjoy a single moment of peace and happiness without thinking twice about it. Few minor changes that I’m planning to make henceforth to avoid my mind to take control of my life.

• Practice being in the present : Focus only on the present moment
• Focus on what I have control over : Ignore what we can’t change, work on things we can control
• Write down your thoughts when it gets overwhelming : Maintain a daily journal
• Figure out solutions than mulling over problems : Think about all the possible way out and how it can be effective in solving the problem
• Become a person of action : Especially in making simple decisions, take decisions right away rather than pondering over it indefinitely.

I’ll share my thoughts and experiences on the effect of making these simple changes in my life soon. Till then, let’s be happy and focus on living our life to the fullest!

Just a reminder

Day 27/30

Break the chain

“And once you understand that habits can change, you have the freedom and the responsibility to remake them.”

-Charles Duhigg

Day 21/30

Ever since I started this challenge of blogging everyday in the month of April, not once have I been able to upload the blogpost during the course of the day. I procrastinate till the end of day, convince myself that “end of the day” is when my mind is at it’s creative best and somehow anxiously manage to upload the blogpost in the 9th hour. Same pattern goes with my reading habit too, I have been meaning to get in 50 pages of a book everyday but I procrastinate it every single day. I have been following a similar pattern with my goal of waking up early as well. My goal has always been to wake up at 5 am but these days I’ve got into the habit of sleeping late and eventually waking up between 7.30 am to 8.30 am in the morning.

When I think back to how I was able to consistently follow my fitness journey back in 2018, it was a deep resolve to lose weight and one decision that I stuck with the very next day, the decision to eat clean. I thought about it, planned to start with clean eating right away and broke the chain of junk food that very instant. The reason I was able to stick by it for a long time is because I gave my mind the confidence that I could do it by following that single thought of eating clean. I broke the chain of negative thought loop by one positive action.

It’s time that I make a change to my lifestyle once again. I’ve fallen into the loop of certain habits that are digressing me from my goal to alleviate my life to the next level. It’s time to break the chain by posting this blog during daytime. This is just the beginning, my aim is to get into a focused and goal oriented routine as soon as possible. This is my attempt to start the process of a lifestyle change. I’m super inspired by a fitness influencer named “Tanvi Parikh” who managed to change her life for the better and stuck by that decision for over 4 years now. Of course there are days we fall off the wagon but she has been consistent for most part of these 4 years. I wish to do the same, starting today.

I’m excited to begin this new journey. Here’s a post by Tanvi that I found to be extremely empowering. Hope it helps you too. This doesn’t just apply to fitness but any big lifestyle change that you wish to bring about.

Manifestation Scripting

“Attitude is the little thing that can make a huge impact in every single area in your life. When your attitude is right, you will thrive and flourish. The universe feels your attitude and you will manifest whatever your attitude reflects. So let your attitude be electric!”

-Anonymous

Day 11/30

Yesterday, I wrote about my insecurities and fear for my future and received uplifting comments from my fellow bloggers. Of late, most of my posts have been about the negative aspects of my life and I understand it’s adverse impact on the readers as well. Writing them did relieve me from the mental stress that I was facing at that moment but I avoided reading my own posts as well. I wish to try my best now. I wish to change it. I have started researching (a little bit) about manifestation, affirmation, positivity, gratitude more so that I can use them to create the life I desire. In the coming days, I wish to read and increase my knowledge about all these topics and try them out in my life. I may not achieve any dramatic results overnight but I want to be consistent at it this time. The flip side to this situation is intense darkness and negativity and I’m done with it. I’m willing to take effort to improve my life as doing nothing doesn’t make me happy anyways.

The first topic in this series is Manifestation Scripting.

Manifestation Scripting is a technique wherein you write down in detail about the life you wish to create/manifest. I have tried this technique long back during my Chartered Accountancy Final examinations and I did end up clearing the exams. While I don’t know if I should attribute the success entirely to this process as preparing for the exams were mostly under my control, there are some things in my life that are totally out of my control right now. I wish to apply this technique and understand if it truly works.

What you’ll need? A journal and pen.

You can use any journal of your choice but to make it more fun and effective, choose a journal that’s bright and positive. It can have a great quote on it or you can design something that sparks the light in you whenever you look at it. The key to Manifestation is “BELIEF”. You need to believe that this journal is the key to the life of your dreams. Make it as interactive as possible.

How to do it?

Start the journal entry by “Gratitude“. Gratitude is the first step towards an abundant life. Be grateful for everything that is right (or wrong but has given you an enriching experience) in your life. You can write about anything under the sun. The key here is to truly feel grateful it when you write about it. If you are grateful for your current life, the Universe will give you more reasons to be grateful for.

Now start the scripting process. Write down your desires in the present tense as you have already achieved it.

For example, if I wish to manifest an Iphone, I will write down,

Thank you so much Universe for this amazing Iphone 12 pro Max. I’m truly grateful for it and it has brought a lot of joy in my life.

Be as specific as you can and make sure to truly imagine it’s presence in your life as you are scripting it.

And that’s it. According to what I’ve read about this, this is the simplest way to manifest the life of your dreams. It is advised to do this process twice a day, first thing in the morning and right before you sleep.

I’ll be starting this process from tomorrow and plan to do this for a month and share it’s results/my experience with you.

If any of you have already tried this, do share your experience in the comments.

A 180 degree change

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”

-Wayne Dyer

Day 10/30

I was lying on the couch today, completely bored out of my wits and for the first time in my life, dreading my birthday that’s going to arrive in 3 days. At the exact moment, my best friend called and told me that the Amazon delivery guy needs to understand the directions to my home and he was also on the line. I realized that she planned a surprise gift for me and I jumped in excitement. Finally, SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

The package was delivered and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw what it contained. It was a pair of mint green shoes that was on my wish list for a very long time!! I recollected having discussed it with her many months ago and I couldn’t believe that she remembered.

I feel so blessed to have friends in my life, who care about me, listen to everything I say and truly wish for my happiness. My day changed from a boring one to one filled with happiness and excitement in a split second.

Why am I dreading my birthday this year? Let me give a disclaimer here, it’s only this year that I’m not excited for my birthday. I usually count the days to my birthday and plan something special to make it memorable. This year though, I feel very unsettled. I don’t know what the future holds. My life isn’t moving forward according to the conventional timelines of the society. I’m dreading any calls know with the fear of being asked the same questions I don’t have an answer to. I have started to avoid some of my close friend’s calls too because I don’t have anything new or interesting to share about my life anymore. I know everyone around me who is asking these questions about my future might be asking it out of concern. But it has instilled a deep fear in me, fear of never crossing those milestones in my life. I am truly scared.

I don’t know what to do to get out of this situation in life. I desperately wish for my life to take a 180 degree change. I want the society to stop asking me these questions. I want to be in control of my life again. I want to feel settled.

Smile please!

“Nothing in this world can torment you as much as your own thoughts.”

-Anonymous

Day 6/30

Two people very close to me are dealing with mental health issues in their lives. While one has shut herself to the world completely, other one is finding it hard to express what’s going on on her mind. It’s really difficult when people close to you are going through something inexplainable and mentally destructive. It takes a while to come out of such situations and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel very helpless to see them in pain and it hurts me to not know what to do to make them feel better.

I remember going through something similar last year. It took a while for me to get back on tracks and finally have a reason to wake up in the morning. I absolutely HATE it when I lose control of my life. Our thoughts, especially the negative ones, have the power to make you feel like crap and physically drain you of all your energy. Yes, it’s that intense! To come out of such situations, we need to find life worth living. Mental health issues give you every reason to lose hope and interest in life. When you finally snap out of it (and YOU WILL), you realize that your life is WORTH living and your existence matters more than the world to a lot of people.

Being happy is not a moment, it’s a daily, conscious practice. It’s hard work but extremely fulfilling.

There are certain daily rituals I forced myself to incorporate so that I never revisit that dark part of my life anymore. I am not practicing any of them now and can see a dip in my energy and happiness levels. I don’t know if this a sure shot way of living a happy life but they worked for me in the past. Doing these on a daily basis did help divert my mind from negative chatter box. Everyone has two voices in their heads, just like the angel and devil voices they show on TV. When I was on my fitness journey 2.5 years back, I mostly listened to my positive voice and was able to find the confidence to continue the hard task. The negative voice paid an occasional visit to destroy my confidence but my positive voice was relentless.

So what was my daily practice?

• GRATITUDE JOURNALING : This one is very important. I and my mom went for a walk outside today when we passed by group of homeless people. It was a large family with small kids without a house over their head or food to eat. I noticed that the mother in this family was playing with her kid, who was really having fun. They were happy! I on the other hand, live in a big spacious house, splurge money on food takeaways and can buy anything that my mind desires (within my budget and capacity) right away! Yet, there were occasions when I found it difficult to be happy? How? Why? Compared to many people on this planet who don’t even know where the next morsel of their food is coming from, I am privileged and blessed to have everything I want in life. The least I can do is be grateful for all my blessings. It’s very important to spend a good amount of time each day (at least 10 minutes) to write down 3 things that you are grateful for and feel it deeply when you thank the Universe for it. You can top it off by writing down 3 highlights of each day at the end of it, to pay attention to all the great things that happened during the day. Many a times, we just breeze through a day on auto pilot mode without paying any attention to it. Don’t live for the big days, every day has something to offer, make each day worthwhile.
• MEDITATE : I cannot stress enough on the benefits of meditation. Again, this one is not a one time thing. You need to follow it daily, consciously and consistently to reap it’s rich rewards. It helps you to not dwell on any thoughts, especially the dark ones. It trains your mind to step out of it’s place and view our thoughts as passersby on a busy street. Eventually, with practice, our mind will be able to focus better, learn to let go, not be sucked away by negative thoughts and just in general, be happy.
• WORKOUT : We all know that working out releases endorphins, which are known as the happiness hormones. So yes, working out guarantees a feeling of fulfillment and happiness by the end of it. Now, people might be busy in their daily lives to find out time for workouts. Even a 5 minute jump rope session can be effective than no workouts. And you most definitely can find 5 minutes each day for yourself.
• JOURNALING : When we are going through a rough patch in life, all we want to know is that we are heard. But many a times, the people around us, friends and family won’t really understand what we are dealing with. They might not have the right words to make us feel better or the time to patiently hear us out. Although a journal might not be able to provide you a solution, it will LISTEN to you. Write down everything, the good, back and ugly and live each day as it comes. Be present in your life and focus on the moment.

I know I have mentioned this many times before but I wanted to reiterate it because of my closed one’s mental health issues. If I was granted one wish in life, I will ask for the absolute and total removal of mental health issues (anxiety, depression, fear, judgements, prolonged sadness, trauma etc) from each and everyone’s lives. Till the time I am granted this wish, I am going to practice my way to happiness.

Trust me, it’s not that hard.

Let’s manifest

“You manifest what you believe, not what you want.” 

-Sonia Ricotti

What do you do when you desperately want to achieve your wishes in life? You pray for it, talk about it to anyone and everyone you know or can think about, write it down and work day in and out towards it and hope that the Universe finds you worthy of granting your wishes. What if you’ve tried every trick in the book yet your wishes are far from getting fulfilled? You feel stuck, out of place and confused. That’s exactly how I feel at the moment. I feel so horribly stuck in life that it seems like a never ending quicksand.

I’m tired of feeling stuck in life and want it to change, DESPERATELY. My desire is to be FREE LIKE A BIRD and experience life in all it’s glory. Today morning, as I was fighting one of those many low phases where I feel drained and on the verge of giving up, the fighting spirit in me revolted and urged to me to try my best, again! So, I googled “How to manifest the life of your dreams?” and decided to do everything in my capacity to follow whatever steps the search results come up with. After going through quiet a few articles, I’ll write down the common points below for “our” easy reference.

• Set your intention right :- The Universe should be aware of exactly what we need for it to fulfill it. Our goals need to be crisp and clear. We can follow the (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time-Bound) method to list down our goals. For eg : I want to complete a 10 km run in 58 mins by 31st December 2021.
• Don’t resist, persist! :- We tend to have a lot of resistance in our mind when it comes to working on our goals. Anxiety, fear, sadness, procrastination, disbelief, doubts, regrets are all forms of resistance that pull us away from our goals. Find out things that have the ability to put you in a happy state of mind (in my case, meditation, workout, listening to music, blogging) and reach out to them whenever you get pulled by the “resistance” mindset. You can try creating a powerful morning routine which includes all the stuff that has the ability to make you happy. You can also try chanting powerful affirmations whenever your mind starts building up the resistance emotions.
• Live the dream and be present in the moment :- This is the tricky part. This is where I fail most of the times. Develop a firm belief that you deserve the absolute best in life. Our emotions have the power to attract our reality. If we are sad, anxious and crippled with disbelief, the Universe will create more instances in our life for us to continue to feel the same way. Just think of what would happen if we focus on the positives in our life and make way for the Universe to spread more happy and positive vibes around. Believe that you deserve to ACHIEVE your goals.
• Walk the talk :- Once you are sure of what you want from the Universe, don’t slack off waiting for your demands to turn to reality (just like that!). Work hard on your goals, little by little, each day and make sure to take all necessary steps to move closer to your goals. Leave the rest to the Universe to manifest.
• If you quit, you lose! Keep going!:- Gratefulness, consistency and patience are 3 extremely powerful process/behavior that cannot be skipped in the manifestation process. Many people stumble and fall off with the first disappointment or failure in the process of working on their goals. If we change our mindset from “Yes or No” to “Yes or Learn“, we have the power to go through many new and unique experiences in our life without being anxious or negative about it. Create a gratitude journal and write in it daily, maintain a daily record of your day and write down the tiniest things that helped you inch closer to your goals and grow with each experience, whether it ends in your favour or not.

And that’s it. This is as simple as it gets. My tagline for 2021 is “Manifest” which means I’ll try everything in my capacity to manifest a happy, fulfilled life. I’ve shared the process with you so that we can start this journey together (in case any of you want to try it too!). I’ll share my experiences as and when I achieve my goals or learn something new along the process.

We are in this together, let’s do this!

A touchy subject

“SHE WAS BRAVE AND STRONG AND BROKEN ALL AT ONCE.” 

-ANNA FUNDER

I’m a patient person by nature. Meditation has really helped calm me down when life gets stressful. I also am aware of certain things or actions that instantly uplift my mood. Of late I have realized that a particular topic keeps disturbing my mental peace. I try to deal with this topic in the best possible manner however it keeps lingering on my mind for a long time. The topic in question is “marriage”.

I haven’t grown up in a loving environment as far as my parent’s marriage is concerned. My childhood traumas affected me throughout my teenage life and still come to bite me in my adulthood. My subconscious mind houses a lot of fears and negativity about marriage and it haunts me whenever someone brings up the topic in front of me.

I do want to get married but I am yet to find a compatible partner to share my life with. When milestones like this are age bound, the resultant decisions become extremely haphazard and are done only to make the society happy. I hope the Universe has got me covered in this matter as I really need all it’s blessings to make the right decision. I REALLY hope 2021 makes my life easier as far as “marriage” is concerned and I get to choose this phase of my life as per my wishes. I am hopeful and positive about the future as always. To end this post, I would like to share one of my favorite quotes which instantly brings peace and calm to my unsettled mind whenever I read it,

I got over it!

“If you’re going through hell keep going.” 

–Winston Churchill

#35/100

No, I’m not going through hell right now, life is pretty cool. However this quote is apt for the experience that I’m about to share today. For as long as I can remember, I’ve suffered from anxiety issues. Anxiety is a prolonged state of fear caused due to stress or negative thought patterns. Since I’m an introvert and shy person by nature, I have experienced anxiety everytime I’m under the limelight. I’m not talking about the actual limelight on a stage or for a performance. Holding a conversation with a new person, talking on the phone, going to a new place to get some work done, anything and everything unfamiliar makes me anxious and jittery. For the longest time, I have never been able to face a crowd of even friends or family, forget familiar people. Playing a game of dumb charades used to send a chill down my spin as I had to think on my feet while having everyone’s eyes fixated on me.

When I had started looking out for jobs after my graduation, my biggest fear was to attend an interview. It used to give me sleepless nights, I was never able to prepare for it as my anxiety would always get the better of me. I have bunked countless scheduled interviews just to avoid the fear and anxiety that I need to face before and during the interview. There were situations where I could literally feel my heart thumping and mind going blank. In one of my very first job interviews, I could barely speak!

Eventually after attending many job interviews, I got better in facing my fear. Yet, I’ve never been able to control my anxiety before an interview and have ended up cancelling many such schedules in the recent past.

I had an interview scheduled yesterday after almost 2 years.When you are in the process of attending interviews, you gradually get used to managing the fear. But when there’s a prolonged break and you have to face your fear after a long duration, the nervousness and anxiety tag along as if they never left your sight. Till the last minute, I felt like cancelling the interview. I could barely prepare for it because of my OCD related to preparation for any new event. When I need to prepare for anything, especially interviews, I put unnecessary pressure on myself to know everything under the sun. I really admire people who end up doing their best in every situation despite the fears and jitters. I somehow have to struggle really hard in this area.

After fighting rampant thoughts of cancelling it, I decided to attend it. I tried to convince my mind to play the role of a person who is confident and can handle such situations very well. I guess that’s the beauty of acting, when you persuade yourself that it’s not you who has to face the situation, you somehow muster enough strength to get over the performance anxiety. Also, the best way to conquer your fear is to face it. You might make a complete fool of yourself, but if you manage to get past the initial hesitation, you become better with each subsequent fear inducing situations.

Attending the interview, without thinking about the outcome, made me extremely happy and proud of myself. Life certainly is a culmination of all our experiences and the spirit to keep yourself happy despite the outcomes.

Extra”ordinary” me

#33/100

I’m watching a brilliant k-drama these days. The concept of the drama just blew my mind and the story line keeps getting better by each episode. The drama is about characters in a “manhwa” (South Korean graphic novel) who become self-aware and realize that they are not real. When one of the characters becomes self aware, she feels that she is the protagonist of the manhwa. However, she is in for a rude shock when she comes to know that she’s just an “extra” character who is meant to bring the main protagonists together.

The concept of this drama is such a creative masterpiece. This “extra” character hates her personality in the manhwa and is diametrically opposite to the writer’s creation. Her character is a terminally ill high school student who has a crush on an arrogant guy for almost a decade and is used as a plot device to bring the main leads closer. Since she is aware that she has limited time to live (survive in the manhwa), she wishes to change her story line to focus on herself than spending all her time for the protagonists.

This drama’s story line has so many parallels with our reality.

Characters who aren’t self aware and have no clue that they are merely playing a role in a fictional world : Many people tend to live their life on auto pilot mode. They have no clue why they do what they are “supposed” to do in life. They spend their life living according to the terms defined by others or the society in general and do not question them at all.

Characters who are self aware yet have no issues with their personalities : There are people who tend to be happy and make others happy in every situation. They are those kind of flowers who bloom wherever they are planted. These people are known as “optimists” or “happy go lucky” and tend to find happiness in small things. They try to make things work according to their wishes but don’t fret over it when it doesn’t pan out well.

Characters who are self aware and wish to change their story line : They are those breed of people who question the norms. They fight for themselves and wish to live their lives on their own terms. They do not agree by the path set for them by others and fight tooth and nail to get it changed in their favor. Some manage to get things done because of their perseverance, others don’t, but one thing remains the same, they never stop trying.

Characters who are self aware, do not agree with the proceedings yet do not go against it : These are the ones who never fight for themselves and dissuade others from trying as well. They try to crush the hopes of the rebels and optimists who wish to change the world by saying that everything will happen according to what the author decides anyways.

The author : The author here could be a metaphor for the society, the rule makers, authoritarians or even God.

I don’t know if I fit in a specific character description here. Over the years, my story line has had many character developments and I’ve got to live like each of the characters in the manhwa. What I wish to do in future is to live for myself more and go past the self and society imposed restrictions that hamper my growth.

Can you relate to any of the characters specified above? Do let me know in the comments below. I’ll go back to binge watching the drama.