A 180 degree change

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”

-Wayne Dyer

Day 10/30

I was lying on the couch today, completely bored out of my wits and for the first time in my life, dreading my birthday that’s going to arrive in 3 days. At the exact moment, my best friend called and told me that the Amazon delivery guy needs to understand the directions to my home and he was also on the line. I realized that she planned a surprise gift for me and I jumped in excitement. Finally, SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

The package was delivered and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw what it contained. It was a pair of mint green shoes that was on my wish list for a very long time!! I recollected having discussed it with her many months ago and I couldn’t believe that she remembered.

I feel so blessed to have friends in my life, who care about me, listen to everything I say and truly wish for my happiness. My day changed from a boring one to one filled with happiness and excitement in a split second.

Why am I dreading my birthday this year? Let me give a disclaimer here, it’s only this year that I’m not excited for my birthday. I usually count the days to my birthday and plan something special to make it memorable. This year though, I feel very unsettled. I don’t know what the future holds. My life isn’t moving forward according to the conventional timelines of the society. I’m dreading any calls know with the fear of being asked the same questions I don’t have an answer to. I have started to avoid some of my close friend’s calls too because I don’t have anything new or interesting to share about my life anymore. I know everyone around me who is asking these questions about my future might be asking it out of concern. But it has instilled a deep fear in me, fear of never crossing those milestones in my life. I am truly scared.

I don’t know what to do to get out of this situation in life. I desperately wish for my life to take a 180 degree change. I want the society to stop asking me these questions. I want to be in control of my life again. I want to feel settled.

“One” connection in millions of conversations

“What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined to strengthen each other, to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories.“

-George Eliot

Day before yesterday was Valentine’s day and like every year, there was nothing special about the day for me. I remember in school, excitedly waiting for Valentine’s day to get roses or chocolates or gifts from my secret admirers. Well, didn’t I think too highly of myself?! I didn’t get as much as a fallen leaf or a chocolate wrapper from my “invisible” admirers. I felt a little empty, at the end of each Valentine’s day and hoped that next year would be better. Well it’s been more than 14 years than when the thought first crossed my mind and I’ve spent each and every one of them, lonely and a tad bit depressed.

Initially I thought that my appearance was the culprit. I was overweight and had no trace of self confidence or self esteem in me. To top that, I was shy and introverted in nature. It was a mammoth task for me to talk to a new person (especially boys) without feeling the need to revisit every conversation thousands of times and mentally murder myself for saying something boring or stupid. Having guy friends was a HUGE step outside my extra comfort zone. It did make me feel less conscious of myself and I started becoming less critical of my appearance. Yet, I didn’t find the one, “MY ONE“

Time passed by and I graduated to the “adulting” zone from my teenage phase. There were way too many things on my mind to think about having a meaningful relationship in my life (yet I felt the absence of it on some days, Valentine’s day being the prominent one even when I vehemently denied it to my family and friends). I still was a work in progress on the “love myself” and “personal growth” space. I had an extremely hectic life which I absolutely hated and wanted someone to “save” me from my pitiful existence (yes, that’s how low I thought of myself back then!). None of the knights in shining armor found their way to my place and I was left all alone, to fight the demons of my mind and life.

Things changed eventually and I started hating myself a lot less. I embarked on the path of self discovery and found a lot of love and respect from my inner self along the way. I discovered my hidden talent in “long distance running” and hobbies (blogging, learning Korean language) that I absolutely enjoyed. The gaps in my life were filled up by these new activities. I enjoyed my own company and didn’t find anything amiss in life except the occasional bout of loneliness on certain empty days.

But then I turned 30 and suddenly everyone around me (courtesy : I have relatives-_-) started behaving as if I’m suffering from an illness (courtesy : I am unmarried) which needs a speedy cure. No matter how hard I try to ignore their talks, fears and expectations, it gets to me at times. I feel lost, directionless, lonely and unhappy many a times. Don’t worry, I try my level best to get out of it and always manage to do so. However, I’m seriously wondering how long this phase will last, when will I stop feeling (or made to feel) like an outcast, will there be a “happy ever after” in my life too?

Today is one of those blue & grey days where everything feels like an uphill battle. I’ve become less expressive and more neutral after all the misses & “almost” encounters of finding love in my life. I’m exhausted, drained and somehow numb to the constant barrage of “When will you get married?” questions and many many rejections! This phase of my life is totally out of my control and that irks me the most. Can the Universe atleast send me a sign so that I stop hoping for my happy ending and an escape from this painful phase?

I am genuinely tired!

Lost cause

#97/100

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.”

– Robert Brault

This is a tough one. Conflicts, arguments, fights are a part and parcel of every human’s life. Most of the times it ends up either with a permanent rift in the equation of people involved or an apology to sort out the matter. What should be done in a case when we know that it isn’t our fault yet might need to apologize to rectify the situation? Have you ever dealt with people who never apologize for their actions, even when they are visibly at fault?

I am closely connected with 2 such individuals in my life who posses this particular personality trait. I have never received an apology from them for any of their actions that have hurt me or were noticeably wrong. I fought with them, put across my points, told them how their actions have hurt me deeply, tried to reason with them and failed every time to get the apology that I desperately needed for a mental closure. You might think of them as evil humans who can’t let their guard down for the sake of others. But the reality could be totally different.

Some people cannot apologize for their actions, no matter how hard they try. The sheer thought of accepting their mistakes can shatter their ego and destroy their self esteem. Owing to the various experiences right from their childhood that helped frame their personality, these individuals need to be proven right every time to maintain their sense of self worth. An apology stems from the acceptance that one is wrong and their actions have hurt someone. It puts the person apologizing in a vulnerable position and requires immense strength to accept that one is wrong, especially after defending themselves in the argument to the best of their ability. A normal person might feel guilty after making an apology, those who can’t do it sense a feeling of shame which is far more fatal than guilt. They could feel that apologizing would lead to taking sole responsibility of the situation rendering the other person free from any blame. At some point, they might become comfortable with anger and maintaining an emotional distance and feeling emotionally vulnerable might open the floodgates to sadness and despair which they won’t be able to control.

Understanding the thought patterns of people who never apologize can give the ones seeking it a bit of closure and emotional relief. We need to treat such people (especially if our relationship with them is too precious to lose) with utmost patience, care and understanding so that we can help them come to terms with their personality and manage their emotions well. We need to realize that no one is truly at fault here and heal our minds to move on from such conflicting situations.