A jolly good day

“Happiness is a gift and the trick is not to expect it, but to delight in it when it comes.”

-Charles Dickens

Day 13/30

It’s my birthday today and I didn’t expect it to go so well. Actually, I had no expectations at all. The only thing I knew was under my control was completing my target of running 13 kms today since my birth date is 13. I knew that if I managed to accomplish this first thing in the morning on my birthday, my day will be sorted.

When the clock struck 12 am on 13th, my best friend and sister called to wish me. My best friend had already sent me my birthday gift 2 days earlier. It’s an amazing pair of mint green sneakers that had been on my wish list for a very long time. My sister gave me a gift that shook me to the very core. I had been eyeing a running watch from a reputed brand for a long time. It was on my wish list and would have been a big achievement for me once I managed to catch hold of it. MY SISTER GIFTED ME THE WATCH! It took me more than a minute to understand what’s going on when I opened the gift and saw the brand name. I absolutely DID NOT expect this.

The day started with a 13 km run, I knew this was totally under my control to set the tone for the day. As soon as I came back, I responded to all the wishes. It honestly MADE my day. Everyone remembered my birthday and made sure to wish me. They poured their wishes and blessings on me and that made me feel extremely grateful and special. Birthdays are really special as we feel like everyone is celebrating the day we were brought to existence and that fills my heart with gratitude.

The secret to happiness is LOW or NO expectations and I couldn’t agree more. I have always felt empty and sad towards the end of my birthdays all these years as I had many unfulfilled expectations. Last year I had an incredible birthday even after being under complete lockdown as I did not expect anything. The same story repeated this year as well yet I had a very blessed birthday. That’s the mantra I’m going to follow all my life.

Manifestation Scripting

“Attitude is the little thing that can make a huge impact in every single area in your life. When your attitude is right, you will thrive and flourish. The universe feels your attitude and you will manifest whatever your attitude reflects. So let your attitude be electric!”

-Anonymous

Day 11/30

Yesterday, I wrote about my insecurities and fear for my future and received uplifting comments from my fellow bloggers. Of late, most of my posts have been about the negative aspects of my life and I understand it’s adverse impact on the readers as well. Writing them did relieve me from the mental stress that I was facing at that moment but I avoided reading my own posts as well. I wish to try my best now. I wish to change it. I have started researching (a little bit) about manifestation, affirmation, positivity, gratitude more so that I can use them to create the life I desire. In the coming days, I wish to read and increase my knowledge about all these topics and try them out in my life. I may not achieve any dramatic results overnight but I want to be consistent at it this time. The flip side to this situation is intense darkness and negativity and I’m done with it. I’m willing to take effort to improve my life as doing nothing doesn’t make me happy anyways.

The first topic in this series is Manifestation Scripting.

Manifestation Scripting is a technique wherein you write down in detail about the life you wish to create/manifest. I have tried this technique long back during my Chartered Accountancy Final examinations and I did end up clearing the exams. While I don’t know if I should attribute the success entirely to this process as preparing for the exams were mostly under my control, there are some things in my life that are totally out of my control right now. I wish to apply this technique and understand if it truly works.

What you’ll need? A journal and pen.

You can use any journal of your choice but to make it more fun and effective, choose a journal that’s bright and positive. It can have a great quote on it or you can design something that sparks the light in you whenever you look at it. The key to Manifestation is “BELIEF”. You need to believe that this journal is the key to the life of your dreams. Make it as interactive as possible.

How to do it?

Start the journal entry by “Gratitude“. Gratitude is the first step towards an abundant life. Be grateful for everything that is right (or wrong but has given you an enriching experience) in your life. You can write about anything under the sun. The key here is to truly feel grateful it when you write about it. If you are grateful for your current life, the Universe will give you more reasons to be grateful for.

Now start the scripting process. Write down your desires in the present tense as you have already achieved it.

For example, if I wish to manifest an Iphone, I will write down,

Thank you so much Universe for this amazing Iphone 12 pro Max. I’m truly grateful for it and it has brought a lot of joy in my life.

Be as specific as you can and make sure to truly imagine it’s presence in your life as you are scripting it.

And that’s it. According to what I’ve read about this, this is the simplest way to manifest the life of your dreams. It is advised to do this process twice a day, first thing in the morning and right before you sleep.

I’ll be starting this process from tomorrow and plan to do this for a month and share it’s results/my experience with you.

If any of you have already tried this, do share your experience in the comments.

Good old days

“The end of labor is to gain leisure.”

-Aristotle

About 3 years back, I bought a book called “Word Power Made Easy” with the intention of improving my vocabulary in English language. It was a thick bright red book loaded with information that I desperately wanted to read. Everyday, I came back home tired from work and the moment I lay my eyes on the book, my mind convinced me to push the task to next day. The weekends were spent meeting friends, going out or doing absolutely nothing on most days as I was worn out during the weekday. One fine day, I thought to myself, “Enough is enough!I I’ll carry this book with me to work and read it whenever I find time!”. That’s how the book found it’s space in my office bag. I diligently carried it to work with the intention of reading it during the office commute. But that day never came. The only progress I made with the book were a few pages in the beginning. Other than that it ended up increasing the weight of my office bag. I had to remove it from my bag eventually and place it back on my bookshelf, where it lay gathering dust on it’s cover.

Last year as soon as the lock down was announced and I started working from home, I decided to do something everyday that wouldn’t have been possible due to the usual office routine. That’s when I was reunited with this book. I did one session everyday throughout the lock down. It gave me immense pleasure to learn about the origins of each word in the English language as read the book each day with the curiosity of a child. I stopped the practice as soon as I was called back to work. I could have still continued it, as it barely took 30 mins of my daily time but I discontinued it as now my mind was filled with anxiety about office work, commute, future and every other thing under the sun.

Yesterday, I saw the book again and couldn’t help but feel nostalgic about the endless free time I had during the lock down. I ended up doing a session even after the hectic day at work. During the lock down, I didn’t have to wake up early just because I had a train to board to office, I had my breakfast in peace rather than quickly gulping a glass of milk before I rushed out of my home as I was running late for work, I didn’t have to worry about not getting a seat in the train, I could take mini breaks from work whenever I wanted and could watch shows or read a book just to break the monotony. Aah, I could go on. I felt like a free bird during away from office during the lock down. Now I feel trapped by the force of routine life that I’m required to follow each day! Isn’t our career supposed to give us an identity, make us financially independent and make us happy? I have achieved the first two milestones long back but I’m yet to find a way to make my career a source of my happiness!

Am I losing control?

“Control what you can control. Don’t lose sleep worrying about things that you don’t have control over because, at the end of the day, you still won’t have any control over them”

–Cam Newton

I’m back after a brief hiatus. The last time I posted here about a week back, I had undergone my RT-PCR test for detection of corona virus and was awaiting it’s results. Thankfully, I tested negative and could carry on with my normal life. My parents heaved a sigh of relief as they were a million times more worried and scared than me. Over the weekend, I got the opportunity (blessed as I got tested negative right before it) to go on a short getaway with my friends. This was a long awaited trip and we enjoyed every bit of it.

Back home, I was forced to dive straight into reality. Going on vacations rejuvenates me yet I’m never pumped up to get back to my normal routine after the end of the trip. On the other hand I’m left with an intense feeling of doom and gloom which takes a while to get over with.

In the past week, I underwent a roller coaster of emotions. It started off from feeling extremely happy about myself and the results of my fitness routine to pitying my existence. I get extremely worked up even at the mention of my marriage at home. It is something my mother is really looking forward to, but this might be one of the most difficult things I have to undergo in life. I truly believe now that I had a slight bit of control over all my earlier problems in life.

I read a TV actor’s love confession on Instagram yesterday, she said that every person deserves a partner who understands us, believes in us, inspires us, helps us grow and truly cares for us. These are simple personality traits of a decent human being yet it feels like an impossible task to find such a person. An unmarried girl who has crossed the age of 30 is directly or indirectly made to feel like a burden in the eyes of the society. Even though she is completely happy and content with the manner in which she has led her life, all of her achievements fall short before the mention of her unmarried status. My relatives and most of the people who are dearly concerned about my marriage today were missing when my family led a difficult life throughout my childhood. No one offered to help us with the expenses on our education yet these people are willing to pay money (huge sum to the tune of Rs.35,000) to a marriage broker to find a prospective groom for me. Few of the marriage broker’s requirements were a pictures of me in traditional attire and answers to questions such as, “Does the girl know how to cook food?” or rather “Is the girl comfortable in cooking food for the family after coming back from work?“. While cooking is a necessary life skill which I wish to posses, my male counterparts are never asked such questions even when they lead the exact same life as us!!!

In the midst of this I gave an interview for a job which I couldn’t prepare for, owing to my own carelessness and blamed it on my anxiety. I never felt this before but after I gave a shoddy attempt at this interview, I realized that I suppress myself. I deliberately sabotage my attempts to excel at my work for reasons unknown to me. I know I am capable of doing much better at my workplace and my career yet I never try my best. There is something that holds me back and I will try to find out what it is to the best of my ability. As of now, this realization is a great starting point to work on improving myself in this extremely important aspect of life.

Pouring my thoughts and feelings here have made me feel better already. Here’s to finding those tiny little things that help us cope with the inconsistencies in life, a little better each day!

Like a puppet on strings

#91/100

“To become better, you have to admit your ignorance—at least to yourself.”

― William A. Pasmore

I need to write about this because it affected me a lot yesterday. I’m sure I’ll eventually move past it and might end up doing what I always do, try to make amends. As of now, I feel let down and somewhat hurt.

I had an argument with someone over something very trivial yesterday. The underlying reason of the argument is a non-issue, what affected me was the lack of empathy and understanding as is the case always. I am not a perfect person, no one is. I make a lot of mistakes, sometimes act defensive when people attack me for them, victimize myself in many situations but when I know I’m wrong and have hurt people with my actions, I admit to my mistakes and apologize. I know an apology doesn’t magically make a hurtful situation better, but it’s a starter and the right thing to do.

The person I had an argument with yesterday, never admits to their mistakes, EVER! I don’t remember the last time they apologized. Whenever there has been an argument between us, I am somehow made to realize that my behavior is the prime reason behind it and everything somehow ends up being my fault. I am made to realize that if I can be more accommodating about their feelings and emotions, there would not be any disagreements. Consider a situation where this person truly likes a TV show that makes them happy. I have appreciated it and understood that it’s a source of joy to them. This person now wants me to like the same show, in the same manner and be as happy about it as it makes them. I tried watching the show and it didn’t spark my interest. When I tell this fact to them, they feel that I’ve made a half hearted attempt and make me feel bad for not trying enough.

The issue is not about the TV show, I swear! It’s about how I am made to feel guilty about my choices which somehow becomes a cause of their unhappiness. They try to unknowingly enforce their choices on me and expect me to react proactively. I guess, I am okay with that as well. What irks me the most is that they never admit to their mistakes! Every situation is addressed by them through their viewpoint without considering the responses given to them by others. They react in a manner that shows that they know what’s best for them as well as for every person they talk to and cannot fathom any disagreement to their viewpoints by any means. In case we disagree, it’s our fault and we are in the wrong, despite the circumstances of the situation. They have the amazing ability to turn every situation in their favor with their manipulative usage of words. I really don’t know if I make sense here, all I wish to highlight is such kind of toxic behavior makes us feel helpless as we don’t really know what’s the right way to deal with such situations and people.

I really felt like a puppet, expected to say and do as I’ve told. When I highlighted the fact that I could see the strings and wish to set myself free, I am told that being a puppet is the right thing for me and acting hostile will make the situation unfavorable for everyone.

The actual situation might not be as bad and the person mentioned here is a family member. I know they have my best interests in their mind. But this is how I feel currently and I am not able to shrug it off easily. Maybe it’s time for this person to admit that they can be wrong too, at least in 1 out of 10 situations!

There’s always a way out

“When someone points a gun at your face, “you take the gun, or you pull out a bigger one. Or, you call their bluff. Or, you do any one of a hundred and forty six other things.”

-Harvey Specter

#27/100

I watched the show “Suits” recently and was hooked till the last season. When Harvey Specter, one of the main characters in the show, suavely uses the above dialogue, the only thought I had in mind was, “Yeah, good for you, you are a fictional character, your writer will always have a way out for you!” I firmly believed that it’s diametrically different in reality. If you have a gun pointed to your head in real life, YOU DIE!

However, after experiencing a bit of life, I have come to realize that this might not be the case always. There have been many instances in my life where I felt like I had my back against the wall. However, with time, not only was I able to get out of the situation, it didn’t really seem as hazardous as I imagined it to be. Over time I was able to completely erase these kind of perilous situations from my memories that once gave me anxiety and panic attacks.

The basic instinct of every human being is to survive, non-existence is our biggest fear. Whenever we face a situation that is beyond our control, our brain immediately sends out fear signals to avoid it completely. But if we get past the initial inertia, we can come out with some way out for every situation. I’m not talking about a situation where you have a gun pointed to your head, I wouldn’t know what to do either. I am talking about the smaller, more relatable situations.

Like, you have been given a project to complete at work and haven’t been finding time to pursue your other interests. Eventually you give up on the hobbies that truly gave you happiness and push yourself to the brink of constant sadness. As you can see, the initial few days of handling any kind of change in your life is overwhelming, post that once you are used to a routine, you can always squeeze time out for your interests.

If you love sports, you can find time for it during your off days if not every day, if you wanted to hit the gym each day, you can resort to home exercises, if you want to learn a new skill, you can download an app or find a buddy with similar interest, you can always find an easier way to fulfil your interests. It’s very easy to blame your external situations for all your inadequacies, but if you look closely, you have the solution to all your problems deep within your mind. You just have to pay attention.

Initially, when I was asked to travel to office which involved a commute of 8 hrs per day, I was very upset to skip my workouts for those days. I really enjoy working out, it keeps me sane and gives me an endorphin rush that can’t be put to words. Today, after giving up on my workouts for several office-commute days, I managed to squeeze in a 10 min skipping session in the morning. It was a small session but made me feel more productive than my usual long routines. It’s because I did something that I believed was practically impossible. The adrenaline rush after completing such tasks is inexpressible.

Do you have any such thing in mind which you have been missing out on? Try making time for it tomorrow and realize the true potential of the human mind.

Free as a bird

#13/100

The other day while having a general conversation with one of my closest friends about my work life, she asked me a basic question that put me into a deep thought. I told her I wasn’t enjoying my work at the moment and am very confused about what I want to do in life. She asked me to tell her about any activity apart from work that I really enjoyed to do. I do have such activities like running or writing but I couldn’t envision a career in them at the moment. I really enjoy them as my hobbies, without a specific rule book attached to it.

She told me then that I like to travel and explore. I like to be ‘free as a bird‘. The realization made by this simple sentence hit me hard. Tears welled up in my eyes, my eyes went moist right now while typing the sentence. This is exactly what I want to be. I want to be free from any expectations to act or behave in a certain manner, dependency to continue something that my mind doesn’t enjoy doing, low tolerance to mistakes and failures, the need to beat the competition and not better my own self. My mind and personality aren’t made for cut throat competition. I like to be free willed, set targets for my own personal development and achieve them, only gain motivation from my peers and not be forced to be better than them on paper to gain a promotion. After working in a corporate job for 8 years, I feel more alienated from the crowd than be a part of it. I feel like running far away and never return back.

I have some responsibilities at home at the moment which need my support and attention. Until then, I need to convince my brain to help me out and make me happy doing what I am supposed to do. Alas, our brain doesn’t act that way. If our brain wholeheartedly rejects something, it takes a long time to even understand that something’s wrong. I’m watching a very insightful video currently on the “Neuroscience of depression”. It’s such a brilliant video which explains everything that goes wrong in our brain when we experience depression. The worst part of it is that nothing is under our control. However, as with everything in life, there is a silver lining here as well. Depression is treatable. You can have a lot more understanding of your thoughts if you try to understand how your brain works.

As far as I am concerned, I’m really trying to live each day as it comes. I try to find happiness in small things like watching my favorite videos or eating good food. I’m also regularly practicing meditation which is like a deep relaxation for my mind. I instantly feel refreshed after a 20 min meditation session.

I do secretly pray to be “free as a bird” sooner than I can imagine. 🙂

Thank God it’s Friday!

“Life must be terrible for working people, considering they spend every Friday night celebrating a two-day break from it.”

Robert Black

#7/100

When I was in school, we had 2 holidays in a week. One would fall in the middle of the week on Thursday and the other one was our beloved Sunday. I was so used to the 2 day holiday routine in school that adjusting to just one during my college days was bit of a task. As I was studying for Chartered Accountancy exams during those days, I had classes throughout the week, even on Sunday. However, the fact that I didn’t have a break from my routine even on a Sunday had little impact on me. Throughout the week I had work, studies as well as the company of my friends to keep me busy. I did long for a rest day or vacation or just some time to laze around however the lack of it didn’t make me unhappy.

Once I began my professional journey, I realized the true meaning and longing for the weekend. My only motivation to drag myself out of my bed on Monday was the lure of the weekend in 5 days. By the time it was Wednesday, I had already started celebrating the onset of the weekend. Friday became the most happy day of my life, no external situation or being could hamper my mood on a Friday. Usually there’s nothing that I plan to do during the weekend that I patiently wait for. Even when I note one mentally or physically write down a plan, I forget all about it on the Saturday morning. Weekend for me became a 2 day escape from my daily routine, the life that I’m required to live to earn a living.

Don’t get me wrong. My daily routine or rather weekdays aren’t that bad. I have a comfortable job. However, there’s something about what I do for a living that bothers me. Every night during the weekdays, I reluctantly fall asleep knowing that I’m not living my best life. Trust me, I wasn’t like this during my student days, I was oblivious to the situations around me and had limited worries to take care of.

So what’s the difference between my student days and now? Back then my only worry was preparing and excelling in my exams. That’s all I had to do. I truly believed that if I could just clear my Chartered Accountancy exams, I’d be able to erase the existence of stress, worry and negativity from my life.I felt that lack of money was the root cause of all problems in my life. As I became a full grown adult, I had the unpleasant realization that things don’t really work that way.

What is it in my current daily routine that I desperately seek a timeout from? My core personality highly disapproves my professional identity. I do not indulge in work on a daily basis that feed my mind, soul and inner child. That’s why they are desperate to be their true authentic selves during the weekend, when I don’t have any professional commitment. That’s why Fridays are special and weekends celebrated. I truly envy people who don’t experience such feelings, have a life they absolutely enjoy and don’t wish to escape from any part of it. For now I’ll try to find all those little things that maintain my sanity and keep me happy.