Monthly recap : February 2021

And it’s the end of second month of 2021 already. The first 2 weeks of this month went quiet well for me. I sort of had an intense argument with my mom in the 3rd week which adversely impacted my mental health thereon. Although we are past that argument, things aren’t back to normal yet. However, this month ended on a fantastic note in the form of my participation in an event. This was definitely one of the BEST decisions in my life and surely one of my biggest highlights this year. (More about this in my detailed blogpost soon.)

Mental health

• Meditated for 27/28 days. Although quantitatively this looks like a lot, qualitatively my meditation practice has been below average this month. On most days I could only complete a meditation session of 5 mins, there were days when I did a 3 min session too. However, the benefits of constantly practicing meditation have finally started to show. I’m able to handle stress and anxiety comparatively better than I used to, however, I still have a LONG way to go.
• Journaled/documented my day for 26/28 days. (I’ll be completing the the journal for last 2 days of February today). I’ve been quiet diligent at this activity and it has surely helped me in focusing my attention to the present moment.
• Practiced gratitude journaling for 15/28 days. There has been some improvement in this area. Initially I used to write about random things without feeling any real gratitude towards it. I did it for the sake of doing it. But in the last few days, I intentionally write about things that have actually made me feel happy and grateful for. This has definitely help create a more effective gratitude journaling practice.

Goals for March:- 20 min meditation everyday (maintain my streak on headspace app), practice journaling and gratitude journaling everyday. (Same as last month)

Personal Growth

This section is for a new skill or talent that I’ve acquired in this month, tried a new activity or thing that has pushed me out of my comfort zone.

• I participated in a Fitness Competition for women in my town. This event helped me rediscover my strenghts and weaknesses in a way I never imagined. I prepared for this event for the whole month of February and was suprised at the progress in my fitness level just with the help of consistent practice.

Goal for March :- Cross 500 followers on my blog before my birthday on 13th April

Workouts

My focus was on preparing for the fitness event due to which I had skipped many of my weekly HIIT sessions. I was lazy and skipped my running sessions too this month. Mediocre progress in this category as far as routine practice is concerned.

• 2 long runs in this month
• Participated in a running event where I stood 6th overall, Saw a dramatic improvement in my pace from 6.30/km to 5.19/km.
• HIIT workouts twice a week during the weekdays (ranging from 20 to 30 mins)

Goal for March:- Work on increasing strength, toning muscles and improving overall fitness. Lose body fat and have a toned body

Education

• Zero progress with CFA level 1 curriculum. Took an extended break as my exams have been deferred to July 2021
• Completed an online course on The Science of Well Being by Yale University on Coursera

Goal for March:- Complete first reading of pending 2 subjects of CFA and 2 online courses

Entertainment

• Completed reading 2 books, No Regrets: The Guilt-Free Woman’s Guide to a Good Life by Kaveree Bamzai and 21.1 Running Mistakes: And How to Fix Them for Peak Performance by Kapil Arora
• Completed 2 series, K-drama called Start Up and Indian series Mismatched

Goal for March:- As I have a 2 week leave from office this month starting next Monday, 5-5-2, complete 5 books, 5 movies and 2 series

March 2021, here I come!

Is silence really golden?

“Never dull your shine for somebody else.” 

–Tyra Banks

We’ve heard of this phrase innumerable times during our childhood especially from our teachers. “Silence is golden“, it’s better to be silent than to say something that would harm others or have a negative impact on them. Agreed. Recently I came across a situation where this phrase doesn’t stand right at all.

I met someone few days back who left a very confusing impression on me. When you meet a new person, you either have a good impression or a bad impression. Here, I failed to figure out this person, even a tiny bit, after spending almost half an hour with them. I know half an hour is too short a time frame to understand someone. But the purpose of this meeting was to know each other better and the other person refused to come out of their shell.

What would you think of a person who has no likes or dislikes, no interests or passion, no hobbies whatsoever. We could conclude that they are comfortable with all aspects of their life, just the way it is. I’d be relieved if this is the actual situation. Till I met this person, I truly believed every human being has at least one thing that they truly care about, something that lights up their eyes or just simply makes them happy. This person had nothing! The flip side to this situation is a scenario I’m scared of. This person’s voice could have been suppressed from a young age, told specifically what’s good or bad for them, not allowed to make any mistakes, not allowed to choose the path of their liking, in short, people around him could have controlled all major decisions of their life to the extent that they never had the freedom to explore their identity!

My thoughts did run haywire here but that’s the impact of silence expressed by this one person in my life who I barely knew! I always try to clearly express my views than to leave someone confused or hanging. Don’t be scared to own your personality and be unwavered by people’s views about you. Fear of other people’s judgement kills more dreams than any external factor.

BE UNABASHEDLY YOU!

My alter ego when I’m in love

#70/100

“When we are in love we seem to ourselves quite different from what we were before.”

— Blaise Pascal

I’ve always believed that love enhances the best traits amongst humans. I love the kind of couples who have managed to grow into the best versions of themselves after getting into a relationship with each other. Both partners need to play equal roles to bring out the best in each other, give that confidence boost when the other one is low, that little push when your partner doesn’t believe in themselves, basically compliment each other in a manner that helps achieve each other’s goals in life. Your partner becomes a source of your strength and helps you notice your inherent superpower if you haven’t realized it already.

Although I haven’t been in an actual relationship yet, I’ve had few one sided crushes, infatuations and possibly love (I’m still not sure!). Though my feelings were never reciprocated, I always noticed a big change in my personality whenever I started liking someone. Ever since I was young, I wanted someone to protect me and support me always. I wanted to be with someone who would love me despite my flaws (I considered being overweight my biggest flaw back then) and notice my personality rather than my outer beauty (or lack of it).

I had my first crush in school. I didn’t even realize when it happened. I used to blankly stare at this guy who didn’t care one bit about me. His friends started teasing him about it and my shy self couldn’t handle the obvious rejection. My second one was an infatuation (I considered it true love back then! LOL). We were interns (article ship at a C.A. firm) and I don’t even know why I fell for this guy. I was way too obvious with my behaviour (cared too much, gave too much attention). We talked as friends (or so I thought). I helped him with any work or information that he sought (at the drop of a hat!) and he never bothered to even keep contact with me after the end of our article ship. He didn’t even wish me when I cleared my C.A. exams (we gave the same attempt and he couldn’t clear, his tiny heart and giant ego couldn’t handle that I guess). The third one deserves a special mention. This time I felt like I met my soulmate. But he just wanted to be friends and made me his best friend, blame the Indian caste system! (that’s when I understood why they hand out consolation prizes in every race!!!). The last one made me believe that he liked me, persuaded me till he got his answer (just wanted to know if I liked him too) and ghosted me right when I sought commitment.

As I’ve said earlier, I always believed that a relationship completes a human. There are few things that one cannot absolutely do by themselves. They need someone to lend a helping hand when they are down and about. However, I was terribly mistaken! I turn into a possessive, zoned out, attention craving weak person who just can’t focus on anything but the guy once I start liking someone. I become way too giving and caring towards the guy and forget my existence in the process. I am willing to change myself completely to make the other one happy and forget what I want in life. Maybe that’s what lack of self love and desperate need to seek outside validation does to oneself.

Since I was overweight most of my life, I never truly believed in myself. After my weight loss, I slowly re-built my personality from scratch and refuse to allow anyone or anything to define me. I can safely say that I’m at the best shape of my life, mentally, when it comes to seeking outside validation. They say, you truly need to love yourself first before you can do it to anyone else. I’m truly grateful to have this realization in my life before I get into a relationship. I’m pretty sure my older self couldn’t have lasted long in any relationship or would have been trapped in a toxic one. I am very happy to be single and at peace with my own company in life. I work for my own goals, push myself to exceed my limits, bring me up after a setback, work consistently on becoming self aware, try to understand myself a little better each day and seek my source of happiness in the most basic things and events possible.

I know we read a lot about self love everywhere but are unable to apply it to our own life. It took a long time and I didn’t even realize as my life gradually changed for the better after I started believing in myself. Make small yet consistent efforts in your life to practice self love. It is truly the most important personality trait that helps you choose right, be right and live right!

Yes or yes

#58/100

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.

-John Milton

There are so many things I wish to do in life. Yet, I don’t do most of them. Some things are beyond my capacity or reach, for everything else, my heart and mind are never in sync.

There have been many situations in life where I wished to do my best. Like giving a presentation in front of a room full of people (which I have rehearsed many times), performing a choreographed dance sequence in front of an audience (after many hours of practice) or doing well at a job interview. I have a fear of public speaking. I’m unable to perform well when I know I’m being watched and “judged” by other people. What is this fear really? For years, it has made me lose many opportunities to excel in life and upgrade my personality. Why do I fear public speaking so much? Why does my mind only say “no” to any opportunity that requires me to be in the limelight?

My oldest memory of public speaking was the fancy dress competition event in school. My costume was up to the mark yet when it was my stage to deliver the dialogue on stage, I stopped mid sentence as I forgot the rest of the sentence. But I didn’t fear anything at that time, I didn’t know what fear was. As years passed by, my fear of being judged by other people increased multi fold. I started caring way too much about what other people thought of me and desperately wished to hide myself whenever I was asked to speak in front of other people.

My weight loss journey also helped me to shed my insecurity and self esteem issues. That’s when I realized, my fear of public speaking stemmed from the fact that I was extremely conscious about my weight. After I lost my weight, I forced myself to do my best under the limelight whenever I got the chance to.

I understand that our mind (rather gene’s) primitive instinct is to survive and avoid death under any circumstances. And I had read somewhere that human beings tend to feel inconsequential when faced with negative remarks. We fear that we might make a fool of ourselves when we don’t perform well. This would make us lose face in front of the society which would render our existence as futile. We have a inert fear of non existence on this planet, which co relates to our gene’s prime most need to survive.

Fear is important, only in case of a real threat to our existence. In all other cases, our mind creates a psychological illusion of fear whenever it senses a situation of treat towards it’s existence. Let us try to be aware of our emotions, understand what situations affect us and in what manner and work towards not missing out real opportunities in the name of fear. Let’s love ourselves enough to work on ourselves.

Just the way you are

#44/100

Out human mind is so fickle. I believe we are under a constant state of metamorphosis in our thoughts, likes, dislikes and every single detail that makes us who we are. We wouldn’t be able to relate to our past self today. I was in conversation with my younger sister about my personality back in the day (probably a decade ago) and it left me questioning my choices in life!

I was a very happy child turned into a cowardly teenager. I had all sorts of issues, self esteem, low confidence, hatred towards my own self, body weight, you name it, I had it. But all those issues and my battle in overcoming them have made me the person I am today. When I was going through those issues, I never ever imagined in my wildest dreams to reach a point in life when I won’t have them anymore. I still can’t imagine it but those issues have toned down a lot and have given me the strength to deal with them in the right manner.

When I was younger, one of my biggest concerns was not standing up for myself. Forget big issues, I couldn’t even say “no” when I desperately wanted to. I always thought that people will ditch me if I don’t go by their choices. I never voiced my thoughts or let anyone know if I had a difference of opinion. What made me change this destructive behavior? I learnt to love myself, brick by brick, step by step. About 2 years back, I saw the movie “You can heal your life” at a close friend’s suggestion. The entire movie is based on the concept of accepting and loving our self. It seems like a really basic concept but the most difficult one to implement. If we ever pay close attention to our thoughts, it’ll blow our mind into a million pieces. Our thoughts can be fiercely negative and horrific at times. A few moments in silence with our thoughts might make us wonder as to why we hate ourselves so much. Learning to love ourselves is the first step to a better life and calmer mind. Just imagine if you could make your mind your best friend, won’t you be invincible? There won’t be any room for negative thoughts or emotions, our mind will motivate and push us to be the best in every situation, just like a best friend does.

Once I had this realization, I could work on changing myself for the better. It took a lot of effort to reach my current version and I’m still a work in progress. But, I’m definitely a lot more happier and content with my personality and life now. Let’s not be so harsh on ourselves, our inner child needs all the love and care it can get. Let’s feed our selves with positive thoughts, be grateful for our life and make it easy to forgive ourselves.

I got over it!

“If you’re going through hell keep going.” 

–Winston Churchill

#35/100

No, I’m not going through hell right now, life is pretty cool. However this quote is apt for the experience that I’m about to share today. For as long as I can remember, I’ve suffered from anxiety issues. Anxiety is a prolonged state of fear caused due to stress or negative thought patterns. Since I’m an introvert and shy person by nature, I have experienced anxiety everytime I’m under the limelight. I’m not talking about the actual limelight on a stage or for a performance. Holding a conversation with a new person, talking on the phone, going to a new place to get some work done, anything and everything unfamiliar makes me anxious and jittery. For the longest time, I have never been able to face a crowd of even friends or family, forget familiar people. Playing a game of dumb charades used to send a chill down my spin as I had to think on my feet while having everyone’s eyes fixated on me.

When I had started looking out for jobs after my graduation, my biggest fear was to attend an interview. It used to give me sleepless nights, I was never able to prepare for it as my anxiety would always get the better of me. I have bunked countless scheduled interviews just to avoid the fear and anxiety that I need to face before and during the interview. There were situations where I could literally feel my heart thumping and mind going blank. In one of my very first job interviews, I could barely speak!

Eventually after attending many job interviews, I got better in facing my fear. Yet, I’ve never been able to control my anxiety before an interview and have ended up cancelling many such schedules in the recent past.

I had an interview scheduled yesterday after almost 2 years.When you are in the process of attending interviews, you gradually get used to managing the fear. But when there’s a prolonged break and you have to face your fear after a long duration, the nervousness and anxiety tag along as if they never left your sight. Till the last minute, I felt like cancelling the interview. I could barely prepare for it because of my OCD related to preparation for any new event. When I need to prepare for anything, especially interviews, I put unnecessary pressure on myself to know everything under the sun. I really admire people who end up doing their best in every situation despite the fears and jitters. I somehow have to struggle really hard in this area.

After fighting rampant thoughts of cancelling it, I decided to attend it. I tried to convince my mind to play the role of a person who is confident and can handle such situations very well. I guess that’s the beauty of acting, when you persuade yourself that it’s not you who has to face the situation, you somehow muster enough strength to get over the performance anxiety. Also, the best way to conquer your fear is to face it. You might make a complete fool of yourself, but if you manage to get past the initial hesitation, you become better with each subsequent fear inducing situations.

Attending the interview, without thinking about the outcome, made me extremely happy and proud of myself. Life certainly is a culmination of all our experiences and the spirit to keep yourself happy despite the outcomes.

Down the memory lane

Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.

– Haruki Murakami

#10/100

I really don’t know if the human ability of keeping memories is a good thing. We’d most definitely love to recall the happy events but what about the sad ones? The pain of losing someone, that time when someone broke your heart, failing at that one thing which meant the most to you, betrayed by someone close to your heart or just being let down by your close ones, time and again. What do we do with such memories that just end up causing pain and sadness when we begrudgingly recollect them? Why doesn’t our brain have a functionality to selectively ignore the bad experiences and store only the good ones?

I know our life is a culmination of all types of experiences, the good, bad and ugly. But sometimes these bad remembrances have adverse effects on our present and cloud our vision for the future. A person’s likes, dislikes and entire personality is defined from the kind of encounters that they go through as a child. If a person had a bad childhood, they grow up having deep resentments and regrets in life. It is very difficult to let go of these bad emotions and carry on with their lives. They keep relapsing back to those horrific childhood memories and fear their present as well as future. Therapists and counselors tend to apply Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) while dealing with people with mental health issues. They try and understand the person’s childhood and all the events they have gone through to help them understand their emotions better.

Life would have been simpler with the existence of a reset button in our brain. We would be able to discard all the harmful memories and keep the ones that help us be happy and at peace with ourselves. A baby is born with a clean slate and an optimistic future. Before a human being develops the sense and ability to take their own decisions, their subconscious mind stores all the memories deep inside the brain from the word go. The good ones make you positive, gives you confidence, strength and happiness. The bad ones instills fear, anxiety, sadness, disappointment over events that your conscious mind has no control over.

In hindsight, the human ability of preserving memories is marvelous. They just have to work very hard on reacting to the emotions that are a consequence of these memories in a conducive manner.