Smile please!

“Nothing in this world can torment you as much as your own thoughts.”

-Anonymous

Day 6/30

Two people very close to me are dealing with mental health issues in their lives. While one has shut herself to the world completely, other one is finding it hard to express what’s going on on her mind. It’s really difficult when people close to you are going through something inexplainable and mentally destructive. It takes a while to come out of such situations and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel very helpless to see them in pain and it hurts me to not know what to do to make them feel better.

I remember going through something similar last year. It took a while for me to get back on tracks and finally have a reason to wake up in the morning. I absolutely HATE it when I lose control of my life. Our thoughts, especially the negative ones, have the power to make you feel like crap and physically drain you of all your energy. Yes, it’s that intense! To come out of such situations, we need to find life worth living. Mental health issues give you every reason to lose hope and interest in life. When you finally snap out of it (and YOU WILL), you realize that your life is WORTH living and your existence matters more than the world to a lot of people.

Being happy is not a moment, it’s a daily, conscious practice. It’s hard work but extremely fulfilling.

There are certain daily rituals I forced myself to incorporate so that I never revisit that dark part of my life anymore. I am not practicing any of them now and can see a dip in my energy and happiness levels. I don’t know if this a sure shot way of living a happy life but they worked for me in the past. Doing these on a daily basis did help divert my mind from negative chatter box. Everyone has two voices in their heads, just like the angel and devil voices they show on TV. When I was on my fitness journey 2.5 years back, I mostly listened to my positive voice and was able to find the confidence to continue the hard task. The negative voice paid an occasional visit to destroy my confidence but my positive voice was relentless.

So what was my daily practice?

• GRATITUDE JOURNALING : This one is very important. I and my mom went for a walk outside today when we passed by group of homeless people. It was a large family with small kids without a house over their head or food to eat. I noticed that the mother in this family was playing with her kid, who was really having fun. They were happy! I on the other hand, live in a big spacious house, splurge money on food takeaways and can buy anything that my mind desires (within my budget and capacity) right away! Yet, there were occasions when I found it difficult to be happy? How? Why? Compared to many people on this planet who don’t even know where the next morsel of their food is coming from, I am privileged and blessed to have everything I want in life. The least I can do is be grateful for all my blessings. It’s very important to spend a good amount of time each day (at least 10 minutes) to write down 3 things that you are grateful for and feel it deeply when you thank the Universe for it. You can top it off by writing down 3 highlights of each day at the end of it, to pay attention to all the great things that happened during the day. Many a times, we just breeze through a day on auto pilot mode without paying any attention to it. Don’t live for the big days, every day has something to offer, make each day worthwhile.
• MEDITATE : I cannot stress enough on the benefits of meditation. Again, this one is not a one time thing. You need to follow it daily, consciously and consistently to reap it’s rich rewards. It helps you to not dwell on any thoughts, especially the dark ones. It trains your mind to step out of it’s place and view our thoughts as passersby on a busy street. Eventually, with practice, our mind will be able to focus better, learn to let go, not be sucked away by negative thoughts and just in general, be happy.
• WORKOUT : We all know that working out releases endorphins, which are known as the happiness hormones. So yes, working out guarantees a feeling of fulfillment and happiness by the end of it. Now, people might be busy in their daily lives to find out time for workouts. Even a 5 minute jump rope session can be effective than no workouts. And you most definitely can find 5 minutes each day for yourself.
• JOURNALING : When we are going through a rough patch in life, all we want to know is that we are heard. But many a times, the people around us, friends and family won’t really understand what we are dealing with. They might not have the right words to make us feel better or the time to patiently hear us out. Although a journal might not be able to provide you a solution, it will LISTEN to you. Write down everything, the good, back and ugly and live each day as it comes. Be present in your life and focus on the moment.

I know I have mentioned this many times before but I wanted to reiterate it because of my closed one’s mental health issues. If I was granted one wish in life, I will ask for the absolute and total removal of mental health issues (anxiety, depression, fear, judgements, prolonged sadness, trauma etc) from each and everyone’s lives. Till the time I am granted this wish, I am going to practice my way to happiness.

Trust me, it’s not that hard.

24 hours

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.”

–Wayne Dyer

Day 5/30

How to make the best use of your time? Start living in the moment. I know, I know! It’s easier said than done. I am never in the moment. When I was a kid, I used to perpetually live in the past. I used to keep rewinding my life experiences and regret everything that I felt was wrong with it. I always wanted to do better, be better. Nothing was perfect enough for me.

When I grew up and started working, I started living in the future as well as past. I used to day dream about my bucket list and dream of achieving them. Again nothing in the present moment felt right. I kept my expectations high and mentally strained myself to achieve all of them in order to feel happy.

It was in lockdown last year when I discovered the foolproof way of being happy. I started applying this trick in my life and it effortlessly made me happy, every single time. At a time when I felt that everything was going wrong with my life, I found it very easy to find things that made me happy, effortlessly. How did I do it?

I started paying attention and found happiness in small things!

From getting a window seat in bus to listening to my favorite BTS song, these tiny actions made me happy than I’ve ever felt in my life. It was a tough time to deal with and under usual circumstances, I would have succumbed to the negativity in my life. But I was so tired of being anxious, scared, unhappy and bored with my life that I was willing to try anything.

I have been feeling very bored and useless since the last 2 weeks. Though I don’t know the reason behind it, I am extremely tired of it. I am FED UP. I want to feel alive, energetic and happy again. I never want to feel like this in my life again. I have taken time for granted. I purposely waste my time for no reason and wait for the day to end. I while my time doing things that I don’t actually wish to do. I sense a huge loss of control in my life and I desperately want it BACK.

I am going to take life, ONE DAY AT A TIME. Ever day is beautiful and I wish to live each day to the fullest. I know rest days are important and help you recharge and rejuvenate. However, I have never felt “rejuvenated” after prolonged period of rest. I am extremely low on energy and motivation. Consistent efforts on our goals are always better than going all out on important occasions. Good habits require regular practice and consistency, in short, our efforts!

These are few good habits that I wish to incorporate in my life :-

• Plan your new day the night before
• Wake up at 5 am daily
• Meditate for 20 mins daily
• Workout for 30 mins minimum
• Gratitude journaling/ daily journaling
• Read 40 pages daily
• Study for your career progression
• Revisit your goal progress at the end of each day

This is the first challenge of my “Lifestyle transformation” journey. I am on my way to make every day worthwhile and earn my leave. Let’s do this!

I give up

“To heal a wound you must stop scratching it.”

-Paulo Coelho

My father has badly hurt my feelings, time and again. I hold terrible grudges against him since childhood. He has let me down throughout childhood and has never admitted to his mistakes. He is extremely selfish even when he is supposed to be a “caregiver” according to the universal rule of our society. Needless to say, I end up having expectations from him (really basic ones, I swear!) which always remain unfulfilled. He only cares about himself and his convenience at all times.

Yesterday, I felt extremely helpless. Even though he hasn’t fulfilled his moral obligations towards me, I am expected and obligated to do so. Whenever I am asked to do this, all the memories of being terribly hurt in the past, disappointments, unfulfilled wishes, unmet expectations come rushing back to me and I feel helpless. He has absolutely “NO RIGHT” to expect anything from me, yet he does so, with pride. I end up screaming, yelling, trying to bring some sense into him without respite. Nothing works, nothing has ever worked when it comes to this man.

I have no choice left but to give up.

I give up having expectations from him, of any kind or nature whatsoever

I absolutely do not give him power to make me feel helpless and hopeless in life

I take back his ability to act as a hindrance in my journey of personal growth

I do not wish to enter into conflicts of any kind or nature with him

I take total responsibility of building my life from scratch and do not expect any help or support, whether emotional or financial from him

I will fulfill all my obligations towards him without fighting it (whenever I have tried to fight my way out of this, they end up mounting and become multi fold. The Universe is never in sync with my escape attempts and wants me to go through this pain. All I can do is change my attitude towards it so that it stops hurting me or have any impact on me.)

This is not a one time process and will require daily dedicated practice till the time I am immune to this pain and don’t allow such situations to have an adverse impact on my mental health. I wish to never feel hopeless and helpless in my life anymore due to such situations.

I’ll try to use the following techniques to deal with such situations whenever I need to encounter them :-

• Take deep breaths when the mind starts churning out negative thoughts at the speed of light
• Calm yourself down, go for a walk or a stroll, listen to music, write in your journal, do anything that works to divert your mind from the current situation
• Be quiet, try to avoid conversation with the person who is the source of your pain (in my case I end up using harsh words to prove my point which ends up making me feel guilty without having any impact on the person)
• Know that you are NOT at fault here, you are NOT being punished, nothing is being taken away from you, you are NOT destined to be unhappy or in pain, this is NOT your reality. The Universe always has a way of balancing things out, GIVE with an open heart and positive mindset
• You are HELPING someone out of their misery, you ARE doing a good deed, try to avoid taking such situations to heart, have NO expectations in return

I somehow feel that this the thing that has been holding me back all this while. If I make a tiny change in my mindset, I can look forward to a fulfilled and abundant life.

It’s a challenge, alright

“Real difficulties can be overcome; it is the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.”

–Theodore Newton Vail

I started working out 2.5 years back. I was never into sports during my childhood days. As I was a chubby kid, I mostly stayed indoors while the kids from my building played outdoors in the evening. I feared not being not being able to compete, not being fast enough, being made fun of! When I started out 2.5 years back, I noticed I had better endurance and stamina than I thought. I was much stronger than I thought. The first month was extremely difficult but things started easing out from the second month onwards.

2.5 years later, I feel much stronger and fitter than when I started out. I am able to attempt most of the new exercises with a day or two’s practice. But there are few exercises that I have never attempted or have failed miserably after trying. One of them is the push-up.

Can you perform a push-up? If yes, then dear friend, you earn my envy. Ever since I started working out, I’ve tried through every possible means to attempt a perfect push-up, failing each time. Yes, I am impatient when it comes to workouts, I go all in and try to achieve perfection as soon as possible. My high energy and determination has worked well for most of the exercises, except the almighty PUSH-UP. I was very dejected yesterday when I couldn’t even perform 1. I almost gave up on this exercise after my mind tried to convince me that it isn’t made for me.

There’s a challenge going on in my runner’s group wherein we have to perform push ups daily and increase the count by the end of this month. Most of my runner’s group members perform a push-up decently well, at least their posture is right. I can’t seem to fix my horrible shoulder posture while performing the push-up after trying every possible trick in the book. I wish there was an easy way around this, I wish someone could help me fix my posture.

Well, I’m not ready to give up yet. I really wish to conquer this challenge and try my best to clear my mental block around this exercise. Yes, mind gives up way before my body does. In this one month, I have to work hard to bring my mind in sync wit

Well, I’m not ready to give up yet. I really wish to conquer this challenge and try my best to clear my mental block around this exercise. Yes, my mind gives up way before the body does. In this one month, I have to work hard to bring my mind in sync with the body and give my best efforts in breaking the self imposed push-up jinx.

I’ll probably jump with joy and celebrate the day I perform a push-up with correct posture. Yes, this is currently the biggest challenge of my life!!

See you at the end of this month when I’ll share my experience with this challenge!

My younger self

“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.  Tiptoe of if you must, but take the step.”

-Unknown

I was quiet an insecure child growing up. I more or less disliked every aspect of my personality. At times I was laid back and always procrastinated till the last minute for any school activity. I was overweight and made fun of by my cousins who I cared about the most. We didn’t have much money in the family and grew up in a dingy little house which I was ashamed about. I wanted to be an organized person but kept failing at keeping up with the elaborate study schedule that I prepared with much gusto, every DAMN time. I was a shy and introverted girl and was scared to speak even in a group of close friends. I had social anxiety and dreaded any situation where there was even a remotely possible chance of having people’s attention on me. I was ALWAYS late to any place, be it school or classes or meet up with my friends.

As a child, I desperately wanted to change these aspects of me that I as embarrassed about. I wanted to quickly grow up and change myself for the better. I felt growing up and earning money will be the solution to all my problems. I grew up, earned money and became more conscious of myself than I ever was before. Happiness still eluded me. I found a new found trouble in the form of “work stress” and was anxious 24*7. I was still scared to speak in a group, lived in a house that I was ashamed of and was overweight. I kept longing to become the person my younger self would be proud of and change my life for the better. But that day never came and I stopped hoping for it.

A few days back, I found my old diaries inside my book shelf. As I started to read my old diary entries, I couldn’t help but feel bittersweet about my emotions when I wrote them. It reeked of desperation. And a realization dawned upon me that I HAVE BECOME THE PERSON I desperately wanted to become as a child. My life has had a 180 degree change in the last 3 years ever since I’ve joined this workplace which I crib about all the time. I am no longer overweight, my house is renovated and I’m proud of it, my social anxiety is under control, I AM ORGANISED about most things in life and I try to diligently work towards my goals in life. Yet, I was unhappy. I couldn’t believe that I was unhappy even after achieving ALL of my childhood goals. I AM THE PERSON MY YOUNGER SELF WANTED TO BE ALL MY LIFE. This realization has been path breaking for me.

I have decided to live in the present moment as much as I can, celebrate the little wins and document each day of my life. Life has treated me fairly well and I shouldn’t have any reasons to complain about. Yet, I crib and cry over the little things that would have been insignificant and completely manageable to my younger self. My present life seems like a fairy tale when I look through the eyes of my younger self. I’ll try my level best to make most of everything in my life going ahead and live it in the best possible manner. Each day is a blessing and I wish to celebrate my life. While my present self is giving me a disapproving look, my younger self is jumping with joy with this idea. I plan to listen to my younger self this time!

Is silence really golden?

“Never dull your shine for somebody else.” 

–Tyra Banks

We’ve heard of this phrase innumerable times during our childhood especially from our teachers. “Silence is golden“, it’s better to be silent than to say something that would harm others or have a negative impact on them. Agreed. Recently I came across a situation where this phrase doesn’t stand right at all.

I met someone few days back who left a very confusing impression on me. When you meet a new person, you either have a good impression or a bad impression. Here, I failed to figure out this person, even a tiny bit, after spending almost half an hour with them. I know half an hour is too short a time frame to understand someone. But the purpose of this meeting was to know each other better and the other person refused to come out of their shell.

What would you think of a person who has no likes or dislikes, no interests or passion, no hobbies whatsoever. We could conclude that they are comfortable with all aspects of their life, just the way it is. I’d be relieved if this is the actual situation. Till I met this person, I truly believed every human being has at least one thing that they truly care about, something that lights up their eyes or just simply makes them happy. This person had nothing! The flip side to this situation is a scenario I’m scared of. This person’s voice could have been suppressed from a young age, told specifically what’s good or bad for them, not allowed to make any mistakes, not allowed to choose the path of their liking, in short, people around him could have controlled all major decisions of their life to the extent that they never had the freedom to explore their identity!

My thoughts did run haywire here but that’s the impact of silence expressed by this one person in my life who I barely knew! I always try to clearly express my views than to leave someone confused or hanging. Don’t be scared to own your personality and be unwavered by people’s views about you. Fear of other people’s judgement kills more dreams than any external factor.

BE UNABASHEDLY YOU!

12 goals for 2021

My goals are usually very descriptive and never ending. I love writing down goals and I’m curious to experience life in general. Although I’m tempted to write down every goal in the book each year, I’ve decided to stick to 12 most important ones this time. I’m jotting down these goals here as my wish list for the Universe. It’ll be great fun to revisit them at the end of the year and figure out how many goals I managed to accomplish.

1. Travel to South Korea and attend BTS concert live
2. Clear Chartered Financial Analyst^® (CFA^®) level 1 exam (scheduled on 21st February), earn a scholarship for Level 2 exam
3. Run 10 kms under 60 minutes and half marathon under 2 hrs 15 minutes
4. Meet my other half (Dripped in cheese, I know. The wait has been excruciatingly long!)
5. Lose body fat, gain muscle definition (will define this in absolute terms once I check my current measurements)
6. Read 50 books and watch 50 shows/movies
7. Join the 5 am club (wake up at 5 am everyday)
8. Help mom lose weight (10 kgs) and become the fittest version of herself
9. Complete 12 online courses
10. Cross the 500 articles and 1000 followers mark on my blog, The Supermode.
11. Speak, read and write fluent Korean
12. A 50% increase in my current pay scale, upgrade in my designation at work (through my current job or a new one)

That’s it and I’m all pumped for 2021!

When things seem uncertain

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. ” 

-Gilda Radner

Everything in my life seems uncertain at the moment. Ever since I turned 30, I feel the presence of a ticking time bomb right above my head. I don’t know how much time is left for it to blast but not knowing it makes me want to quit everything and move to a place far away. My mind keeps making desperate plea for clarity and peace.

The past week has been emotionally taxing. I never used to experience any mood swings or emotional upheavals as part of PMS before. However, anxiety has somehow befriended my hormones to give me the choicest of fears to deal with right before Aunt Flo decides to strike with cramps.

In the middle of this mental turbulence, I gave a job interview through the reference of one my closest friends. On the outcast, the job seemed perfect but I just couldn’t convince my mind to take it up. The job timings were odd (from 12.30 pm to 9.30 pm) and I’ve felt mentally harassed and tortured while working in these timings before. It would have been a different case had I enjoyed working in a corporate set up or I was passionate about my career choice. The primary reason I work in a corporate is to make myself and my family financially independent. My “job” and career as an accountant always feels like a routine, is burdensome, stressful and drains me of my energy as it’s far from my personality and purpose in life. Don’t take me wrong, I am grateful for my current life and all the opportunities I have been blessed with. It kills me to feel constantly “unfulfilled” and “unhappy” in life.

Even the thought of working at this new organisation made me feel extremely stressed and unhappy. I knew that I couldn’t put myself through any more mental pressure for the sake of increasing my pay scale. I finally told my friend yesterday that I couldn’t go ahead with the job process. I might have lost out on a great job opportunity that could have made a huge upswing in my earning capacity. However, I couldn’t bring myself to say “yes” to it, believe me I thought about it, A LOT. Surprisingly I don’t feel dejected by it at all. All I feel is extreme “uncertainty” and “anxiety” about my future.

As kids, we never looked for reasons to be happy. Now, happiness feels like the most expensive commodity in my life. I constantly feel the need to prove myself, work hard, go through pain and turbulence to “earn my happiness“. It feels like I’m on a constant wait for something, someone, to change the course of my life and make it better. Is there an end to this phase of my life? I hope there is because I’m EXHAUSTED of waiting.

I have decided to make 2021, MY GLOW UP year! Even if I start the year on a great note, I know for a fact that I WILL relapse back to my depressed self soon enough. It’s not because of the occurrence of a setback or failure, my positivity usually wears off when I realize that I’ve lost control of my life.

For 2021, I’ve decided to take cue from my “weight loss experience” and be “consistent” with my goals, by hook or by crook.

My mantras for 2021 :-

• What this means is that, my focus would be on my efforts in present moment rather than expected results in the future
• I’ve decided to give my best in the present moment, work hard to become the best version of myself and have faith in the UNIVERSE to unfold things in my life, what it considers BEST for me
• Stop fighting against all situations in life and fear that the Universe has turned it’s back on you
• Document everyday, each day is special
• Trust the process, go with the flow.

I guess I’m all set for the new year, are you?

Year in review : 2020

“It Doesn’t Matter Where You Came From. All That Matters Is Where You Are Going.”

-Brian Tracy

And it’s done, the most exceptional year of 21st century has finally come to an end. It’s 31st December 2020 and I’m starting a new tradition on my blog this year on wards. I started this year with a long list of goals in mind. My mental health was in shambles and I didn’t really have the confidence to fulfill any of these goals. I tried to do my best every day but it didn’t lead to any fruitful results. And then an inevitable situation took place, a pandemic shook the world and took over the reins of the entire mankind’s existence. We were scared and anxious yet dealt it with utmost resilience and strength. We learnt new things everyday and became more aware of the priceless blessing that is “life“. I am definitely a changed person by the end of this marvelous year. It taught me a lot, made me focus on the goodness of life, helped me work on myself and adopt a healthy lifestyle and most importantly gave me the gift of “time“. Here’s my 2020 year reviewed.

January

• Participated in the Tata Mumbai Marathon on 19th January and conquered my fear of running a distance of 21 kms at one go. I ran for 10 kms at a stretch at this race and was completely drained out when I crossed the 19 kms mark. I pushed myself to finish the race and have never felt more proud of myself! One of the most liberating experiences of my life!

• My office friend gifted me a box of cupcakes that made my efforts in preparing and running the half marathon totally WORTH it. This just made me feel extremely happy and motivated at the same time.

• I had the opportunity to run another long run, 26 kms on 26th January (Republic day, India). This was with the running group from my hometown and the experience was phenomenal.

• My childhood friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on 28th January. I went to see her the day she was born.

February

• Travelled to Mussoorie and Delhi with my friend and had a complete blast. I didn’t want to come back to my daily life and return to work after this mind blowing vacation.

March

• Tried an Ice-cream thali for the first time in my life. Needless to say, the experience was FABULOUS, especially for a desert junkie like me.

• Completed my first long workout of 2020, a 45 min HIIT session. This was a stress buster for me as our Indian Government had just announced a complete lock down at this time. I was left at home without a laptop or remote access to complete my office work. My anxious thoughts ranged from losing my job to being asked to come to work at any cost despite the travel restrictions. I’m glad things worked out well in the end and I started working from home.

• Due to the lock down, the access to my staple comfort food such as ice cream and momos were restricted. I decided to try making them at home with the help of our dear old YouTube. 2020 has made me much more confident with my cooking skills and I am happy with my progress with this very important life skill. Cooking is also a stress buster for me and I tried out a lot of interesting recipes.

April

• I turned 30 this month. I had big plans of celebrating my birthday in Goa which could not see the light of the day due to the pandemic. Contrary to my expectations, I had a pretty awesome birthday, in fact, it is the most memorable one of my life till date. (P.S. I tried baking a biscuit cake for myself which did look like a cake but tasted exactly like biscuits!)

• I re-attempted baking a cake for my mom’s birthday on 27th April and this one turned out way beyond my expectation.

May

• I started to get a little anxious of being called back to office. The cases in India were mounting however the senior management of my organization didn’t really believe in the “work from home” agenda. They started having meetings on finding out ways to call back people to work.

June

• I went out of my comfort zone to record a dance sequence for my choreographer friend’s birthday. I had mentally given up when I first saw the dance steps however I pulled through with a lot of support and motivation from my amazing friends.

• The complete “work from home” situation came to an end when my boss called me back to work (albeit in a rude manner!). I normally use the Mumbai local trains for my office commute which had been shut to avoid the spread of virus. The only alternative was a bus service from a stop which was 10 kms away from my home. I left my home at 6 am on 29th June for my office which starts at 9 am. The bus commute took an exhausting 4 hrs due to traffic in the morning. I reached home around 9 pm that day. I hated my organization for forcing us to travel to office, in the middle of a pandemic without easy travel arrangements in place. Well, I knew that this was a challenging situation and crying about it wouldn’t make it any easier. Music was my savior during this time. I listened to BTS songs on repeat during my bus ride. I experience motion sickness while travelling hence didn’t have any other way to utilize my travel time (crazy 8 hrs) in a productive manner. I also started experiencing episodes of depression and anxiety. Since I didn’t get diagnosed by a professional, I don’t know if I was suffering from depression but all my symptoms pointed right at it.

July

• I posted my first article on this blog after a hiatus of almost 10 months on 17th July (my last article before this was in September, 2019). This was a path breaking step that changed my life for the better. I was reconnected to my first love, writing and it was my constant support to cope up with the tough situations I was facing in life back then.
• I decided to take the most difficult yet BEST decision of my life by entering into a “100 day daily blogging challenge” on 24th July. I honestly didn’t have the confidence to complete this one yet dived right into it as blogging was the only thing that gave me mental peace at that time.

August

• BTS released their song “Dynamite” on 21st August and the world has not been the same ever since. This song felt like a tight hug every single time I listened to it during my bus rides. My bus ride felt a lot less exhausting only due to the existence of this song in my life. Thank you BTS for “Dynamite”
• I gave my first job interview after a break of almost 2 years on 25th August. I have terrible interview anxiety and even the thought of it can send a shiver down my spine. I somehow forced myself to not bunk the interview (I’ve done it on multiple occasions before) and face my fear head first. I GAVE THE INTERVIEW AND FELT A LOT MORE CONFIDENT ABOUT MYSELF FOR GIVING A DECENT ATTEMPT!
• My amazing friend gave me the most incredible gift for my 30th birthday. She sent it to me in August because our country was in lockdown during my birthday in April. I have written an article about it the gift too, it made me immensely happy!! (https://thesupermode.wordpress.com/2020/08/15/surprise/)

September

• My blog hit a 100 FOLLOWERS in this month. I felt blessed, grateful and extremely happy for all the support showered on my blog. I was pumped and motivated to continue doing what I loved the most, blogging!
• My amazing friends showered me with more birthday gifts. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve the MOST AMAZING friends in my LIFE! Life is good!! 🙂

• My mom accidently fell down at home and fractured her arm. It was a little difficult to manage work and household chores during this time but we sailed through.
• I got an allotted shares in the IPO (Initial Public Offer) of a company. The odds of getting selected were 73 to 1 and I felt extremely blessed to have got the opportunity to get an allotment. I was on cloud 9!
• I hit a total of 1000 LIKES on my blog. It felt SURREAL to say the least.

October

• Had my longest meditation streak on Headspace for 10 days. I have been unsuccessful several times in the past to create a daily meditation habit. Finally started it in 2020 and couldn’t have been more happy about it.

• My sister surprised us with a visit after spending almost 8 months apart. She stayed with us for more than 1.5 months which has been the longest time she has been at home ever since she started working in a different city away from our hometown.

November

• Completed the “100 days writing challenge” successfully on my blog on 1st November. I never thought I could finish the challenge when I jumped into it 100 days back. We can ACHIEVE everything we want if we are CONSISTENT in our efforts.
• Finally got the opportunity to go on a trip for the spinster’s party of my friend to a resort close to my hometown. Had a blast with my friends there, it was one of the most memorable weekends of my life! 🙂

• Got this unimaginable bridesmaid hamper from my friend. It had things I never expected or planned to buy on my own. She made sure we got the BEST possible gifts on this planet and it made us feel extraordinarily special.

December

• For the first time ever, we got a Christmas tree home and had a ball decorating it. My mom casually told me her wish to get a Christmas tree home this year to celebrate the beautiful festival of Christmas and spread some much needed joy and positivity around. There were a lot of hiccups till the point of getting this tree home but we were blessed to get our wish fulfilled right before Christmas eve.

• Completed my second longest run of 2020, a freaking 25 kms in 2 hrs 54 mins!!! I honestly did not think I could attempt another long run after a hiatus of almost 6 months from running practice. This feat reinforced my faith in the phrase “IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE UNTIL IT’S DONE“

And that’s it. I just don’t feel like bidding 2020 goodbye. I look forward to 2021 with hope and positivity as always.

Wishing you a very happy NEW year. May this year bring you more and more reasons to be HAPPY!

Full stop to self sabotage

“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.”

-Alyce Cornyn-Selby

I haven’t related to any other quote in a long time more than the one above. To give you a little background, I have a tendency to plan huge goals for myself. get excited about it, be motivated by it, plan detailed schedules around it, YET, not work on it! Sounds absurd right? I managed to break this toxic pattern 2 years back during my weight loss journey. I had to force myself to take each day as it comes and work on my goals everyday. That immensely helped me achieve my weight loss target.

For the past couple of weeks, I have noticed a resurgence of this toxic pattern and it’s not pretty. I had scheduled a long run today, woke up at the designated time, had kept my shoes and clothes ready the night before, yet didn’t show up for the run. My mind gave me various reasons to abort the plan and I LISTENED TO IT. The same pattern accompanies me with my preparation for CFA Level 1 exams to be held on February 21st 2021. I have started studying for it, I utilize my office travel time for it but when it comes to studying at home, it’s a NO SHOW. The other time my mind is engulfed in this toxic pattern is during my preparations for a job interview. I am never able to prepare for an interview beforehand, I just go through whatever material I can scan within an hour or two before the interview schedule.

While wasting my time, NOT STUDYING for my upcoming exam today in the afternoon, my brain finally realized that there’s a toxic pattern in play. I don’t know for sure but it looks like it’s my anxiety acting up, preventing me from working hard so that it doesn’t hurt when I fail. We know our brain’s “survival” mode becomes extra effective when it notices an upcoming threat to our existence. Facing failure is the BIGGEST blow to our self esteem and our brain wants to protect us from it at all costs. However, the results of my hard work is UNKNOWN in the present moment and will be determined in the future. Hiding away from the pain that the end result MAY or MAY NOT have restricts my learning process and GROWTH. While I haven’t been able to figure out a one stop solution to my anxiety yet, switching the purpose of my goals from an ACCOMPLISHMENT mindset to a GROWTH/LEARNING mindset should trick my brain into being less dramatic about the consequences. I’m planning to put this into practice right away and will share my findings in about a month or two. Let’s see how this little change in my thinking affects my life’s BIG PICTURE.