It’s getting scary

“Fears are nothing more than a state of mind.”

–Napoleon Hill

Day 24/30

The covid-19 situation in India is getting scarier by the day. People are struggling to get beds in hospitals, medicines aren’t easily available, test results are taking longer than 2 days, the health care system has broken down, the number of active cases has reached it’s peak, the number of daily cases have crossed all time high. In short, the situation is murky and it’s getting worse by the day.

I don’t want to play the blame game here and try to find out what went wrong. It’s not one single person’s fault. Right now, the situation is so bad that we don’t know how long it’ll take for this dark phase to end. In the last week alone, I must have heard a new case in my contacts (friends and extended family) for every single day of the week. Covid has hit way too close to our home and we are scrambling for safety.

My aunt had been hospitalized because of covid about 12 days back. Initially we were told that she had a mild infection and was stable. As days passed by, her condition started deteriorating. Yesterday, my cousin messaged me saying that she is critical. A shiver ran down my spine, I did not expect this. Most of the cases that I’ve heard till now had a positive recovery rate. I was hoping that it would be the same with my aunt. I took life and the current scenario for granted. I was sure that it would be a mild infection and she’ll be back home soon. Yesterday’s news broke me completely. I am scared. Hoping against hope that she’ll be back hale and hearty soon.

Please don’t take anything in life for granted. We need to be grateful for everything that we have in life. Our time on this planet is limited and very precious. Respond to that message, take that call, listen to those stories, forgive and forget, move past those grudges, don’t let anger and ego ruin any relationship, make time for your loved ones.

Praying that the situation gets better, praying that my aunt gets better.

Please take care of yourself and your loved ones. Eat healthy food, workout, take care of your mental health, wear a mask, stay safe. We are not bigger than this virus.

Pat your back

“It takes strength to be proud of yourself and to accept yourself when you know that you have something out of the ordinary about you.”

–Abigail Tarttelin

Day 23/30

I gave a job interview today and it was brutal. The interviewer asked me some really tricky technical questions which I’m sure I gave inadequate answers to. In a normal scenario, I would have been really tough on myself, felt really embarrassed and indulged in negative self talk till I would break down.

Not today.

I feel proud of myself for attempting to give this interview while fighting my fears and anxiety about it. I feel proud of myself for trying very hard and giving my utmost best throughout the difficult session. I feel proud of myself for taking action and doing things that scare me the most.

I’m always hard on myself but I don’t want to do that this time. I absolutely cannot change the past. This interview has widened my thinking capability and has been an incredible learning experience. That certainly can’t be counted as a loss.

Instead of being your worst enemy, try and become your best friend today. The outcome of any situation in life cannot be predicted but you can align your thoughts to be more helpful and positive. And I’m training my mind to do just that. To see the good in every situation and take everything as a learning experience.

Be proud of yourself and pat your back, for a change!

It’s okay, you can do this

“Either you run the day or the day runs you.”

–Jim Rohn

For any anxious person, the first response to change is always fear and a desperate desire to run away from the situation. I call this the “I just want to go home” syndrome. I act like a fish out of water whenever I am forced to come out of my comfort zone. I gasp for air and flop around hopelessly till I’m put back into the water. In the real life scenario, I try my level best to become comfortable in the new situation as soon as possible. I realize much later that I was able to handle most of the new situations or any changes in my life. There was no real need for me to be anxious and panicky about it in the first place, especially to an extreme extent.

I’ve recently decided to try a new trick to calm myself down when I encounter any uncomfortable circumstances in life. As soon as I realize that I have to deal with a new situation in life, my mind works overtime and with 10x speed to blast out anxious and mostly doubtful thoughts. The overall environment created by these anxious thoughts turn negative if not dealt with at the right time, in the right manner. The source of most of my stress in life is related to career and office work. Yesterday when my boss told me about a new task that I didn’t have any knowledge about, my first response was of fear. Within a split second, my mind started spitting out a truck load of “What if?” questions.

• What if you don’t understand?
• What if it’s difficult and beyond your capacity?
• What if they figure out you can’t do this?
• What if they don’t find your effort worthwhile?
• What if?…What if?….What if?

The thoughts started to pile up as it was easily absorbed by my mind. Then, I decided to put my foot down and do something about it. I took action in the form of repeating a positive affirmation. I kept chanting, “IT’S OKAY, YOU CAN DO THIS!” till the pile of thoughts turned to dust. Surprisingly, it didn’t take a long time and I felt amazing after dealing with my thoughts monster, face to face or in this case, thought by thought.

I don’t know if I’ll able to use the same technique and make it work always. But I’m surely on the lookout for more such tactics now to deal with the enemies of my mind. Like we have various self defense techniques to tackle any unwelcome situation that could turn perilous, we need to develop an array of self defense techniques for our mind to counterattack the barrage of negative thoughts created by it.

It’s okay, you can do this!

Am I losing control?

“Control what you can control. Don’t lose sleep worrying about things that you don’t have control over because, at the end of the day, you still won’t have any control over them”

–Cam Newton

I’m back after a brief hiatus. The last time I posted here about a week back, I had undergone my RT-PCR test for detection of corona virus and was awaiting it’s results. Thankfully, I tested negative and could carry on with my normal life. My parents heaved a sigh of relief as they were a million times more worried and scared than me. Over the weekend, I got the opportunity (blessed as I got tested negative right before it) to go on a short getaway with my friends. This was a long awaited trip and we enjoyed every bit of it.

Back home, I was forced to dive straight into reality. Going on vacations rejuvenates me yet I’m never pumped up to get back to my normal routine after the end of the trip. On the other hand I’m left with an intense feeling of doom and gloom which takes a while to get over with.

In the past week, I underwent a roller coaster of emotions. It started off from feeling extremely happy about myself and the results of my fitness routine to pitying my existence. I get extremely worked up even at the mention of my marriage at home. It is something my mother is really looking forward to, but this might be one of the most difficult things I have to undergo in life. I truly believe now that I had a slight bit of control over all my earlier problems in life.

I read a TV actor’s love confession on Instagram yesterday, she said that every person deserves a partner who understands us, believes in us, inspires us, helps us grow and truly cares for us. These are simple personality traits of a decent human being yet it feels like an impossible task to find such a person. An unmarried girl who has crossed the age of 30 is directly or indirectly made to feel like a burden in the eyes of the society. Even though she is completely happy and content with the manner in which she has led her life, all of her achievements fall short before the mention of her unmarried status. My relatives and most of the people who are dearly concerned about my marriage today were missing when my family led a difficult life throughout my childhood. No one offered to help us with the expenses on our education yet these people are willing to pay money (huge sum to the tune of Rs.35,000) to a marriage broker to find a prospective groom for me. Few of the marriage broker’s requirements were a pictures of me in traditional attire and answers to questions such as, “Does the girl know how to cook food?” or rather “Is the girl comfortable in cooking food for the family after coming back from work?“. While cooking is a necessary life skill which I wish to posses, my male counterparts are never asked such questions even when they lead the exact same life as us!!!

In the midst of this I gave an interview for a job which I couldn’t prepare for, owing to my own carelessness and blamed it on my anxiety. I never felt this before but after I gave a shoddy attempt at this interview, I realized that I suppress myself. I deliberately sabotage my attempts to excel at my work for reasons unknown to me. I know I am capable of doing much better at my workplace and my career yet I never try my best. There is something that holds me back and I will try to find out what it is to the best of my ability. As of now, this realization is a great starting point to work on improving myself in this extremely important aspect of life.

Pouring my thoughts and feelings here have made me feel better already. Here’s to finding those tiny little things that help us cope with the inconsistencies in life, a little better each day!

Just breathe it out

#89/100

“Life is short. We can live it lost in thought or we can choose to be present as life unfolds around us.”

-Headspace

Meditation! I must have ignored this important and extremely powerful habit for a happy mind all my life. I just couldn’t bring myself to stay still at one place and concentrate on my breathing. It made absolutely no sense to me. The biggest misconception that I had in my mind was that meditation was supposed to immediately calm me down and clear my anxious thoughts. That’s not how it works. About 4 years back I encountered a difficult situation at work. I had made a huge error and was petrified of the consequences. I was constantly anxious and my mind didn’t leave any stone upturned to churn out one negative thought after another. There was no respite even at home as my mind continued the negative thought pattern. That’s when I decided to give meditation a shot at calming down my mind. I could see a positive result from barely few days of consistent practice. While the thoughts continued to disrupt my mind, I was slowly learning to acknowledge them and let it go. I didn’t even realize when I did it. My anxiousness subsided eventually when everything got sorted out at work and not one of my negative thoughts manifested into reality.

I stopped practicing meditation the moment situations got better in my life and I technically didn’t ‘need’ it anymore. That’s where I went terribly wrong. Meditation helps in improving our overall physical and emotional well being if practiced daily. I have tried making it a habit few times in the past and failed terribly. In the past, I scheduled my meditation session at a time during the day which made it easier for me to delay it indefinitely. I made a small change in my daily routine to incorporate my meditation session, first thing in the morning. I start my day with a 20 min meditation session every morning and carry on with my daily activities after that. This schedule has worked pretty well for me in the last 12 days and I feel great. I’ve noticed a decrease in my junk food cravings as I am able to not dwell on those thoughts for long. I’m pretty excited to experience the long term benefits of this powerful new habit in my life.

There are various ways to meditate, I personally use a guided mediation application called ‘Headspace’. The techniques shared in the application are easy to follow and the video animations are catchy enough to sustain my attention. In the initial days I had to force myself to sit at once place quietly and meditate. It sure has gotten easier over time and scheduling it first thing in the morning has been extremely beneficial in being consistent at it.

Apart from reducing anxiety, stress and calming the mind, the long term benefits of meditation include better emotional health, an increased sense of self awareness, improved attention span, helps in fighting addictions as well as improved sleep. This habit seems like a long term investment with no immediate rewards but I surely want to continue long enough to reap it’s benefits in the future. Making it a daily habit surely helps in being consistent.

Fix it up

#88/100

“If you say you can or you can’t you are right either way” 

-Henry Ford

Our water purifier at home wasn’t working in the right manner for a long time. We got it a few months back but were struggling with it’s inadequate performance ever since. It used to take an unimaginably long time to fill the water tank with it’s extremely slow pace of filtering the water. We were told that it was due to the low water pressure from the source. We tried to make peace with it’s slow pace of working and got used to it. Our patience reached the limit when the speed of filtering the water declined drastically and we completely ran out of drinking water. We called a technician today who fixed up the purifier and now it works like a charm. I couldn’t believe how happy it made me. Everyday when I looked at the water purifier, it gave me this nagging feeling that something isn’t right. Fixing up this particular thing gave me a sense of happiness that I cannot describe in words.

This really got me thinking. Every time I complete a task that has been long due, my heart explodes with happiness. I get a great sense of accomplishment which lights up my day. There’s always some work or task that I procrastinate everyday for various reasons. The task could be complicated, scary, unknown or uninteresting. When I finally get around to attempt it and eventually complete it, it makes me feel immensely fulfilled. I can’t imagine the amount of progress in my life that I could make if I could push myself to attempt such tasks right away instead of taking an eternity to work on them.

Our normal day consists of 90% routine work and 10% new work/tasks that we either procrastinate or tasks that we believe will end up in a “failure” which I certainly don’t wish to experience. Unfortunately I believed hat as long as I continue to work on things that I am aware of, I don’t need to deal with any disappointment or sadness. The secret to a happy and rather remarkable life lies in attempting those tasks which our mind deems impossible. “I can’t lose weight”, “I can’t get a new job” or “I can’t clear this exam” are the first I thoughts I had when I faced the specified situations. I said all of this without trying my best. I was scared to give my best yet remotely consider the situation where I could fail or not get what I desired.

Fixing this small little element of my house today made me wonder about the other elements in my life that aren’t working well. There is a long list of things that could help turn around my life, yet I’m scared to attempt them. Instead, I waste my time and avoid getting out of my comfort zone. Just imagine how our life would be if we truly believed in ourselves and started working on the long pending elements of our life. Starting today, I’ll start paying attention to such tasks and do my best to attempt it right away.

Keeping up with your word

#82/100

Image credit : Vectortoons (Source : https://vectortoons.com/products/a-very-afraid-girl-trying-to-hide-herself-from-danger)

I wasn’t going to write about this today but I’m unable to bring my mind to think about anything else right now. I really hope writing this post will help calm me down a bit. Last month, I had committed to my running group to attend a team relay run scheduled to take place next month. Last week, my running group mentor formed the teams and asked us to register for the event. After giving my name for the event, I also committed to attend a trip planned by my girl gang and it happens to fall on the same day as the run. This trip is my priority and I have to withdraw my name from the event. This was pure carelessness on my part. I should have informed my running group in advance before the team formation was done. Now I am in a soup and I’m freaking out!

I’m really scared. I don’t know how to get out of this situation. My running group members are few of the most inspiring people I know. The group mentor just removed a member from the group for irresponsible behavior. Going by her messages, it seems like this member informed last minute about his inability to attend the relay event. I’m going to have to do the exact same thing soon. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I really don’t know why I’m freaking out. I really look up to my running mentor and don’t wish to let her down.

This doesn’t really sound like a big dilemma but has somehow made me very stressed. I have to pull myself together and inform my running mentor about my withdrawal from the event. I really hope she doesn’t take it the wrong way. Gosh, this is hard! Probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long time.

I’ll have to do this tomorrow. I really hope this situation magically sorts out in a manner favorable to all. Till then, I’ll try not to overthink and hope for the best!

Interview anxiety

#81/100

A job interview is not a test of your knowledge but your ability to use it at the right time.

-Anonymous

“Hi, we’ve scheduled your interview for Monday at 4.30 pm.” I begrudgingly say yes and mentally prepare myself to experience a highly stressful time till the end of the interview. If I have 4 days till the interview, I think about it every millisecond of the 4 days and wish for the misery to end as soon as possible. If I were to rank my biggest fears in life, attending job interviews would sit comfortably in the second position right below public speaking, giving it a very close competition.

I don’t know what it is about attending job interviews that makes me so anxious. It could be the stress of knowing every technical aspect of the job, dealing with the embarrassment of not being able to answer a question, the expectation of creating a great first impression, the fact that we are being judged on the basis of our behavior and answers or the self loathing that follows after the end of what you would consider a “bad interview”.

Over the years, I’ve become better at coping up with the anxiety of attending a job interview. I’m less critical of myself and have gained more confidence to deal with the stress of attending an interview. Yet, I’m never able to prepare well and keep pushing the learning bit to the last minute. I don’t know why I do this, I tend to waste my time till the last hour and frantically rush over whatever little I can study at the last hour. Let me list down few techniques and my experiences with such situations to help people like me to turn their anxiety into something productive.

• Set out your intention : Write down or mentally note the reason behind attending the interview. It could be to gain interview experience, earn more salary, the desperate need to change your current job or just a career switch. This would help you focus better on the preparation and give you a solid reason to counter your fears.
• It’s never as bad as I think : As scared as I am to attend job interviews, the actual ones turn to be much easier and manageable than my fears about it. Before the interviews I imagine the interviewers to be the meanest people on earth who throw extremely technical questions at me and judge me if I don’t answer them. This has never happened till date and I’ve been interviewed mostly by warm and humble humans.
• Take a deep breath : My heart tends to race extremely fast right before and during the first few minutes of the interview. One technique that has helped me calm down is taking deep breaths. It gives my mind a breather as well and acts as a slight distraction for my mind from it’s racing thoughts. While taking the deep breaths, I try counting them so that I can divert my mind’s attention to my breathing. It works pretty well for me.
• Prepare : Anxiety is a constant state of fear of the unknown. The best way to deal with such fears is to face them, head on. I’ve cancelled numerous job interviews before just to escape the ordeal of attending them. This has only caused my fear to multiply. I always feel much better and a little proud of myself after attending an interview, despite the outcome. It’s always helpful to take time out to prepare as much as you can before the interview to give yourself a much needed confidence boost. As you attend more interviews, you can find out areas where you can focus more on and be well prepared the next time.
• Reward : I tend to celebrate after attending every job interview as it’s I consider it a big accomplishment regardless of the outcome. There are times when I get disappointed with my performance and tend to beat myself up for lack of better preparation. Nevertheless, every interview ends up being a great learning experience and should be viewed as one.

My goal for the next job interview would be to get over my anxiety and push myself to prepare well for it well in advance. Hope to share a good interview experience whenever I have a next one!

Becoming unstoppable

#62/100

“Who you are today is not who you have to be tomorrow.” 

–Zdravko Cvijetic

Okay, so there have been few inconsistencies in my life of late. My routine has undergone a 360 degree change. I’m incredibly blessed to have a mother who understands the importance of having a stable mental health and doesn’t force me to do things I don’t feel like. Yet, I know I’m not giving my best. She has fractured her hand and needs complete rest at the moment. I am currently overwhelmed with the responsibilities of the house as well as office at the same time. I have been doing a terrible job at both since the day I took the responsibility.

I have the tendency to consider myself a victim of every uncomfortable situation that I’m put through. My initial reaction is to blame every person/thing that I consider responsible for being the reason behind my misery. My way to cope up with such situations is to do nothing about it. Since I’m a perfectionist, I take a long time to do any work that is expected of me. That makes it difficult for me to manage a lot of work at the same time causing me to procrastinate everything till the last moment.

But I’m really tired of finding the easy way out in all the difficult situations of my life. I always waste time when I have a lot of it. The minute I’m supposed to do something that I don’t wish to do, I’m reminded of all the work that I could have done in that time instead. My defense mechanism goes overboard to make me feel absolutely terrible at times.

So I’ve decided that this time, I won’t pick the safe route. I’ll get all work done, in the manner that I’m supposed to do, to the best of my ability. My mom is my biggest inspiration in life. Her grit and positivity always shines bright on me. The way she has handled all the difficult situations in life can be a rulebook to ones who get scared of it. She gets motivated to work harder when things don’t go as per her wish. I’ve hardly seen her disappointed with failures. She takes every mistake as a learning lesson and challenges herself to do better next time. This is exactly what I’m planning to do.

Cheers to a new challenge. If I can deal with all the brick backs life throws at me and end up learning something new in the process, won’t I become the person that I truly want to be? Be truly unstoppable! Let’s do this!!

Yes or yes

#58/100

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.

-John Milton

There are so many things I wish to do in life. Yet, I don’t do most of them. Some things are beyond my capacity or reach, for everything else, my heart and mind are never in sync.

There have been many situations in life where I wished to do my best. Like giving a presentation in front of a room full of people (which I have rehearsed many times), performing a choreographed dance sequence in front of an audience (after many hours of practice) or doing well at a job interview. I have a fear of public speaking. I’m unable to perform well when I know I’m being watched and “judged” by other people. What is this fear really? For years, it has made me lose many opportunities to excel in life and upgrade my personality. Why do I fear public speaking so much? Why does my mind only say “no” to any opportunity that requires me to be in the limelight?

My oldest memory of public speaking was the fancy dress competition event in school. My costume was up to the mark yet when it was my stage to deliver the dialogue on stage, I stopped mid sentence as I forgot the rest of the sentence. But I didn’t fear anything at that time, I didn’t know what fear was. As years passed by, my fear of being judged by other people increased multi fold. I started caring way too much about what other people thought of me and desperately wished to hide myself whenever I was asked to speak in front of other people.

My weight loss journey also helped me to shed my insecurity and self esteem issues. That’s when I realized, my fear of public speaking stemmed from the fact that I was extremely conscious about my weight. After I lost my weight, I forced myself to do my best under the limelight whenever I got the chance to.

I understand that our mind (rather gene’s) primitive instinct is to survive and avoid death under any circumstances. And I had read somewhere that human beings tend to feel inconsequential when faced with negative remarks. We fear that we might make a fool of ourselves when we don’t perform well. This would make us lose face in front of the society which would render our existence as futile. We have a inert fear of non existence on this planet, which co relates to our gene’s prime most need to survive.

Fear is important, only in case of a real threat to our existence. In all other cases, our mind creates a psychological illusion of fear whenever it senses a situation of treat towards it’s existence. Let us try to be aware of our emotions, understand what situations affect us and in what manner and work towards not missing out real opportunities in the name of fear. Let’s love ourselves enough to work on ourselves.