A 180 degree change

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”

-Wayne Dyer

Day 10/30

I was lying on the couch today, completely bored out of my wits and for the first time in my life, dreading my birthday that’s going to arrive in 3 days. At the exact moment, my best friend called and told me that the Amazon delivery guy needs to understand the directions to my home and he was also on the line. I realized that she planned a surprise gift for me and I jumped in excitement. Finally, SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

The package was delivered and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw what it contained. It was a pair of mint green shoes that was on my wish list for a very long time!! I recollected having discussed it with her many months ago and I couldn’t believe that she remembered.

I feel so blessed to have friends in my life, who care about me, listen to everything I say and truly wish for my happiness. My day changed from a boring one to one filled with happiness and excitement in a split second.

Why am I dreading my birthday this year? Let me give a disclaimer here, it’s only this year that I’m not excited for my birthday. I usually count the days to my birthday and plan something special to make it memorable. This year though, I feel very unsettled. I don’t know what the future holds. My life isn’t moving forward according to the conventional timelines of the society. I’m dreading any calls know with the fear of being asked the same questions I don’t have an answer to. I have started to avoid some of my close friend’s calls too because I don’t have anything new or interesting to share about my life anymore. I know everyone around me who is asking these questions about my future might be asking it out of concern. But it has instilled a deep fear in me, fear of never crossing those milestones in my life. I am truly scared.

I don’t know what to do to get out of this situation in life. I desperately wish for my life to take a 180 degree change. I want the society to stop asking me these questions. I want to be in control of my life again. I want to feel settled.

Reset, restart, refocus

Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

#8/100

I’m always excited for every new beginning, be it a new month, new year or even a new book for that matter. During my school days, the start of every new term thrilled me to bits. New term meant starting afresh, new books, new classes, new people, basically turning over a new leaf. All past mistakes, hiccups, misfortune takes a back seat and there’s renewed hope for the future.

You get innumerous opportunities to start afresh in your life. However, I tend to leave things unfinished when they don’t go as per plan. I am a self confessed perfectionist. Please don’t confuse a perfectionist as to someone who ‘likes‘ to be perfect. The dictionary meaning of a perfectionist is “a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection“. Do you think it’s a good thing to be a perfectionist? A perfectionist has an extremely low tolerance for any flaws whatsoever. Anything that falls short of their idea of perfection is thrown out of the window without being given a second chance. If we consider a simple example of studying for an exam, a perfectionist would want to go through the thickest book on the subject, study everything thoroughly, take an insanely long amount to cover everything. They either burn out completely by the mid of it leaving things unfinished or end up doing a great job at it if they manage to complete it. Things gradually changed once I became more at peace with my natural self, complete with my imperfections and shortcomings. It was a slow, organic process of self introspection and discovery that took a long time to manifest into the person that I currently am. I also became less concerned with the thoughts and comments of people who were critical of my journey of self growth. I realized their judgments stemmed from their own sense of insecurity and didn’t positively impact my life.

New beginnings are great, they give everyone a fresh new start, a fresh new hope. Our existence and this world is built on hope, hope for a better future. That’s the reason people are exhilarated by the end of a year and celebrate it joyously. Every new resolution, timetable, purchase, course is scheduled at the beginning of a new day/week/month/year. Embracing change requires a great deal of self motivation and the lure of a fresh start somehow instills a sense of hope in people.

I always used to wait for a new month to schedule all my new habits. However, a year and a half ago, I embarked on my weight loss journey in the middle of a week on an impulse and that has been one of the best decisions of my life. Not only did I stuck through my resolve till I reached my desired weight, I was consistent throughout. So what was different this time? My intense desire to accomplish my goal. I just couldn’t wait for a new week or month to embark on the journey I was so passionate about. I realized that all these years, I just hid behind the facade of a “fresh start” to stay cooped up in my comfort zone. We just need to keep our mind focused on the journey, bring us back to the process when the mind starts seeking results, keep the mind busy and happy by giving it interim rewards, read, live and breath positive affirmations to keep the hope held high for the future. Since I speak from my personal experience of accomplishing a goal that I once believed was impossible for me, faith and hope can work wonders in your life. Always find ways to reinstate your hope and your life will flourish.

When I earned my first and only scholarship

#5/100

I’m a chartered accountant by profession. I had cleared my exams way back in 2012. I almost gave up reading for good after studying for these exams. Forget further studies, I was mentally exhausted to even pick up a novel to read.

Cut to 7 years later, I finally wanted to study further, get another professional certificate/degree. I’ve always been an avid reader, I’m curious about the ways in which the world operates. Let me put it out straight, I ain’t a studious person but I do enjoy gaining information. Studying just for the sake of giving exams is probably one of my nightmares!

After researching through various short term courses and certifications, I finally zeroed down on CFA (Chartered Financial Analyst). I was fairly sure that I wanted to do this course. However, there was one big glitch. This course was extremely expensive. There are 3 levels to this course, the entry fees to the first level and examination costs was a whopping USD 1,150 (INR 86,000). I am anyways a known procrastinator, the exorbitant fee to this course made me second guess my decision of enrolling for it.

While I was in two minds about opting for this course, my friend told me about a “Women’s scholarship” offered by the CFA institute. Although she told me to not keep my hopes high, there was no harm in trying for it. I just had to answer few questions about why I deserved the scholarship and how the CFA degree would help me in my professional goals. I gave my best to answer the questions, applied for the scholarship and ‘tried’ to forget all about it. I refrained from registering for the exam till I heard about the institute’s decision. I knew I had very slim chances of being awarded the scholarship but somehow I couldn’t let my hope die a silent death.

Every morning I refreshed my mailbox to look for the institute’s reply. This went on for over a month. One such morning, I woke up hazily to a routine weekday. I refreshed my mailbox out of habit and there it was, the institute’s reply!

I got the scholarship! My joy knew no bounds! This was probably the sign I was waiting for. The scholarship waived off the fees to USD 350. I enrolled for the course right away. After experiencing few setbacks, I sometimes had pessimistic reaction to certain situations in life. This scholarship somehow restored my faith in the Universe. It was that positive beam of light that I was struggling to find since a long time.

Seven hours

#2/100

These seven hours have had a huge impact on my life. It’s the amount of time I am forced to spend commuting to and fro from my office. Why you ask? To satisfy the egos of few humans who are most certainly dead inside and seek weird pleasure by harassing those who help them run their business. Shouldn’t they be grateful? Of course yes! Do they lack empathy? A resounding yes! What’s making them do this? Primitive way of thinking which allows them to take selfish decisions and ruin the life of people who are the reason for their existence in the first place.

Even if I somehow get used to these seven hours that have made me lose my peace of mind, how do I deal with a person I’ve lost all respect for? I was made to feel like a nobody, unappreciated for my efforts and sincerity, thrown to the pits of doom with no return. What irks me further is the complete disregard towards the unsafe situation of the world outside and mental health condition of those who are dealing with it. How do you slowly destroy a person? Ignore their existence, make them do things which will crush their purpose and shatter their soul.

Is there a point of return from the very depths of doomsville? I believe there is! It’s the ladder of hope but there’s a catch! You need to build it slowly and steadily by sowing seeds of belief, faith, love and trust. Hope for a new you, faith in the process, belief in your inner superpower, love for thyself in it’s glorious mess and trust that you can make it.

When you have been let down multiple times, it’s time to pack and snap the fragile strand that’s holding the rope together. Look at your palm, it’s grazed from holding the rope so tight. It’s time to let go.

Life is simple, we do tend to complicate it. Happiness is a much better choice but somehow difficult to embrace. How do humans find negative banter easy to conform to? Does negativity present a more realistic picture than happiness?

I completely dislike how I feel when I’m down and about. Happiness makes me strong and indestructible. Life’s reality only lies in the next second, everything else is an illusion. Negative emotions are always about the next hour, day, year or life which makes them a bag full of crap!

These seven hours have given me a perspective, led me to the true face of the devil, made me realize what doesn’t confirm to my inner personality and helped me experience emotions that have absolutely no place in my life. I choose happiness now and always. I stand up for myself and will break all chains to keep myself sane, happy and content.

I deserve to be happy, I am happy!