Chasing growth

I’ve had a long hiatus from blogging. The reason I couldn’t post regularly anymore is because I sensed a feeling of stagnancy in my writing. I felt that I was writing about the same stuff, time and again and had nothing new to offer to this community. The break was needed and a lot of things happened in my life during this period of 4 odd months that I was away from word press, with the exception of my monthly recaps. I feel much better now, mentally and I consider that a huge plus considering my frame of mind in the last 4 months.

My initial purpose of starting this blog was to write about my thoughts and feelings freely here and gain some mental clarity in the process. Today, I’ve come back here to do the same thing. I’ve had a nagging thought going on in my head for a long time now and I desperately wanted to stop pondering over it. I tried drafting this post multiple times in the last 2 weeks but just wasn’t able to get my thoughts together. It’s Sunday today and I have all the time in the world to complete this post and bring a closure to my thought process on this topic.

Let me start with a question. How close are you with your childhood friends now? I guess this question is relevant to the people who have crossed the major milestones in their lives (school > college > job > marriage). As we grow older and shoulder more responsibilities in life, our priorities changes at times and we aren’t able to sustain the same level of connection with our friends in the same manner as during our teenage or young adulthood days. Some may accept this change quickly and move on with their lives. Others may wait endlessly for things to revert back to good old days and refuse to come out of their comfort zone. The sooner we realize that each and every person we know is capable of change, sometimes into a completely different version of them that we no longer connect to, the better it is for us to prioritize our own growth.

For the longest time, I was upset and hurt at these people who left without a trace, who went from talking about every random thing in the world everyday to finding it difficult to hold a conversation, who only contacted me only when they needed to get some information or work done, whose thought process or ideologies did not resonate with me anymore. There were times when I could see my close friends in pain and agony because of their mindset and negative beliefs and I felt absolutely helpless as my words or actions were of no help to them. It made me feel incapable of providing support, emotionally drained and mentally exhausted. I blamed myself for not being a good friend, not being there for my closed ones when they needed me the most, not being able to help them out of their misery. This also took a toll on my mental health as I felt guilty of not being a good friend or even a helpful human being and I blamed myself for leaving such people in distress to concentrate on my own well being.

However, in the past couple of months I’ve realized that you don’t need to change your core nature, your beliefs in the pretext of helping others. The ones who seek help, will figure out a way of dealing with their troubles (if you no longer serve the purpose) and connect with those who make them feel better in their own right. You shouldn’t blame or bash yourself for not being the one helping them or be upset with them for reaching out to others for support. While they are away figuring out their lives, it’s imperative that you concentrate on your own and make sure that you make yourself a priority.

We spend most of our life in our head, amidst our thoughts. Naturally, we need to ensure that our mind is the most positive and encouraging place to be. Feed the thoughts that foster your growth, keep the negative thoughts at bay, nourish them by being grateful towards our existence and thankful for all the opportunities that have led to our growth in life. There is no one way to lead a happy life but we can figure out the things that definitely don’t add value to it.

Recently I saw an amazing keynote speech by Hal Elrod, #1 international bestselling author of The Miracle Morning. He discussed an amazing rule that he swears by to keep his emotions in check.

He calls it the 5- minute rule.

According to it, when things go wrong, it’s okay to be completely negative–but not for more than five minutes. With this rule, Elrod learned to set a timer, moan, complain, whine, and express every negative emotion he liked during a period of five minutes, and then took a deep breath to say three remarkably powerful words:

Can’t Change It.

“It’s simply an acknowledgement that I can’t change what’s already happened, so there’s no value in wishing it were different,” he explains.

With this, I’ll stop thinking about ways to change the external factors in my life or regret my past actions. I’ll work on taking complete responsibility of my life and make sure to do everything to improve it’s quality. It makes no sense to blame our circumstances for everything that goes wrong as it doesn’t provide any solution or help us with the way forward.

Accept it, own it and hustle harder.

Hope is all we have

“Hope can be a powerful force. Maybe there’s no actual magic in it, but when you know what you hope for most and hold it like a light within you, you can make things happen, almost like magic.”

-Laini Taylor

I didn’t have a very comfortable life as a child. We had many financial and household issues to deal with. Everyday was a struggle for us, especially my mom. However, if I were to compare my mental strength back then to now, I was way more happy, hopeful and positive in the past. I refrained from overthinking every single aspect of my life, I was hopeful and positive of a bright future, I knew things would turn out in our favour sooner or later. I had something to look forward to, I had a lot of goals for my future, the future seemed like a happy dream that I was eager to convert to reality.

Things did work out in our favour. Most of my childhood goals have been accomplished (from earning a degree, getting a stable job, fulfilling the basic materialistic goals such as buying a branded cell phone to fancy clothes to renovating my house). Life should be amazing, I should be happy, I shouldn’t have anything to crib about anymore. Well that’s the issue, why does all of this still seem difficult? Why do we forget everything that has worked for us and always focus on the things that we don’t have? Why does my mind have to overthink every single moment of my life and present me with situations that always seem unfavorable and scary? I was never this confused during my childhood when we had very few reasons to be happy or grateful for. But now when I have a zillion things to be happy about, my mind keeps redirecting me to that one thing that I don’t have or that one goal I might never achieve!

I had problems back in my childhood as well. But I was hopeful of a happy future and that dream kept me alive. It gave me the energy to fight the devils of my mind and just focus on the task at hand. As I grew up and came across more failures in life, my hopeful nature lost it’s sheen and my mind started storing and reliving the real life experiences of feeling lost, disappointed, hurt and scared. Because of this I’ve reached at a phase in life where every new decision causes my mind to relive all the pain and trauma I’ve experienced in the past. Thus, I’m unable to think straight, hope for a bright future, work towards a goal or simply be happy without overthinking any aspect of my life.

Overthinking sucks big time. It makes every simple decision of my life into a life or death situation. It completely drains my energy and distorts my ability to think straight. I know happiness is not a destination but a life long journey. A single event or goal in our life doesn’t have the ability to keep us happy forever. It’s a daily process, a life long effort and developing a hopeful attitude towards life.

I might have mentioned this many times before but I need to reiterate it to myself as I’ve lost my track and fallen deep into the black hole of overthinking. It has drained me and is now clouding my judgement. It isn’t allowing me to enjoy a single moment of peace and happiness without thinking twice about it. Few minor changes that I’m planning to make henceforth to avoid my mind to take control of my life.

• Practice being in the present : Focus only on the present moment
• Focus on what I have control over : Ignore what we can’t change, work on things we can control
• Write down your thoughts when it gets overwhelming : Maintain a daily journal
• Figure out solutions than mulling over problems : Think about all the possible way out and how it can be effective in solving the problem
• Become a person of action : Especially in making simple decisions, take decisions right away rather than pondering over it indefinitely.

I’ll share my thoughts and experiences on the effect of making these simple changes in my life soon. Till then, let’s be happy and focus on living our life to the fullest!

Monthly recap : May 2021

It’s the end of May and I feel kind off empty. I spent quality time with my family, watched shows with my sister and managed to maintain a good workout streak throughout the month. However, I always feel bad when good things come to an end. I don’t know what June holds for me but the only wish I have is to have mental peace. I remember having a great time at my vacation in March this year. I enjoyed every second of it and was the happiest I have been in a long while. I wish I could be that happy my entire life. I wish I could learn the secret to be happy forever.

Mental health

• Meditated for 17/31 days. I wasn’t able to meditate easily this month. I had to force myself each day and was extremely distracted during the time that I meditated. I broke my streak on 23rd May and didn’t feel like starting back again.
• Journaled/documented my day for 0 days. I pushed myself to write on some days but quit after writing a single line.
• Practiced gratitude journaling for 0 days. I didn’t write it down but before sleeping I tried to recollect 3 good things that happened during the day and be thankful for it on most of the days this month.

Personal Growth

This section is for a new skill or talent that I’ve acquired in this month, tried a new activity or thing that has pushed me out of my comfort zone.

• I read 120 pages of a book in about 3 hrs. The book was super engaging and I completely lost myself in it. There was a power cut in our area because of cyclone tauktae so I had nothing else to do than read. (Book : Atomic Habits by James Clear)

Workouts

• 1 long run in this month. 8.07 kms indoors within the confines of my small room at home.
• Completed the 28 day SuperHIIT series by Tanvi Parikh. I am extremely proud of myself for completing this challenge and maintaining a 28 day continuous workout streak. This has been my highlight for this month.

Education

• Zero progress with CFA level 1 curriculum.
• Zero online courses completed in May

Entertainment

• Completed reading 0 books (More than halfway through 2 books.)
• Watched 2 amazing K-dramas this month that I loved. Crash landing on you and School 2017. K-dramas have the power to transfer me to a whole new world filled with love, warmth and innocence. It reminds me of my childhood when I was optimistic, happy go lucky and extremely hopeful in life.

May you have been amazing. June…..Please be good!

Becoming receptive

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

–Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I had read “The Secret” long back in 2008 after it was suggested to me by my class teacher. I read the book randomly without understanding a word in it. However, my sister was very intrigued by the book and spent days and weeks on the internet to find out all the related concepts discussed in the book. It was the first time in my life that I came across the concept of “Law of Attraction” and absolutely rubbished the claim. The book literally said that “Treat the Universe like a genie, ask your wishes, truly believe that you will receive it, act has if you have already received it and voila, your wishes will come true!” How was I supposed to believe in something as vague as that? Also my life was pretty uncomplicated during those days, I was always full of hope and positivity and truly believed that I had control over my life and future.

As I grew up and started experiencing failures and setbacks in life, I realized that life wasn’t as straight forward as I thought. We don’t get everything we dream of, things don’t always work out in our favor, sometimes we get rejections even after trying our best and many a times we keep waiting for better days to come. I turned to “The Secret” again during my C.A. final exam days in the year 2012, when I was in stress 24*7 and it helped me immensely during that time. It helped restore my faith and hope in the Universe, it made me forget about my negative feelings and focus on the bright side of every situation.

It’s been more than 9 years to the last time I believed in the power of “The Law of Attraction“. I let life take control of my destiny and stopped believing that I too have the power to rewrite my future. I know it might sound way too nonsensical to many of you at the moment but the only reason I am trying to get back to believing in the power of the Universe is because it had helped me immensely in the past.

Lately I have noticed few instances in my life where I got a glimpse of few things I have desired since long, only to be taken back from me. This applies to my job search and a fitness watch that has been on my wish list since forever. It felt like my prayers were answered finally by handing me these desires only to be snatched away from me at the last moment. As soon as I realize that there’s even a slightest chance for my life to change, I start overthinking all of my life’s decisions and start questioning if I really need those things in my life. I have never felt this confused ever in my life before. My thoughts aren’t clear, I don’t know what I truly want and any change in my life is only triggering a sense of fear instead of excitement or wonder. This should certainly not be the case.

While researching about this phenomena, I stumbled upon an amazing article by Rose Stein (https://thoughtcatalog.com/rose-stein/2016/04/this-is-how-you-should-open-yourself-up-to-the-universe/). Do give it a read, it is precise and just what a confused soul is seeking. For people who feel confused and stuck in life, she has suggested 5 guiding ideals that’ll help clear our thought process and make us receptive to the Universe and it’s infinite possibilities.

• Trust
• Openness
• Gratitude
• Acceptance
• Intention

I really wish to get more clarity in my life and this article gives me hope. I have decided to delve deep into the practice of gratitude journaling, setting a powerful intention, deeply believing in the power of the Universe, opening myself up to the abundance and most importantly accepting my current situation instead of running away from it.

I choose to be receptive and will work hard to clear the unnecessary blocks in my mind.

Action replay

“All it takes one song to bring back 1000 memories.”

-Anonymous

Day 9/30

While mindlessly scrolling through YouTube today, I stumbled upon an old song that I was addicted to as a kid. I played the song and it felt like I was transported back to my childhood days when I used to listen to that song on loop. Who needs a time machine to revisit your past when you have music? I relived every single memory I had of those times when I used to listen to this song, my thoughts, aspirations and dreams during those time and most importantly, my innocence. Before all the setbacks and failures, the roller coaster like ups and downs in life, I was a young kid beaming with POSITIVITY and HOPE for the future. I used to think and believe that I will achieve all my goals and get everything I ever dreamed of. After all, hope is all I had during those days.

I also experienced deep emotions. I used to smile, laugh and also cry a lot. Now I’ve turned into a zombie who rarely cries and can literally count on her fingers, the last time I experienced the feeling of exhilaration and excitement in life. Life was so different back then. I had envisioned my life in a much different manner as a kid. I’m grateful for all the opportunities and blessings in my life. But, I want to be hopeful again, in the same manner and passion as I was as a kid.

There were certain things that I thought I’ll experience for sure (especially after watching countless rom-coms) which still haven’t panned out in my life. There are many things that have happened in my life that I could never dream of, I’m extremely grateful to the Universe for bringing abundance in my life, in the form of food, financial stability and opportunities.

I am currently reading a book called “Flow” by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. If you’ve seen the Arabian Nights, you would know how Aladdin felt when Genie told him that he will grant him 3 wishes (anything that he could dream of). This is how I feel with this book in my hand. The tagline of Flow is “The classic work on how to achieve happiness“. That’s what I need, I want to be happy, in any circumstances. Even if I fumble or fall, I want to bounce back stronger.

In Csikszentmihalyi’s words, flow is “a state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter; the experience is so enjoyable that people will continue to do it even at great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it” (1990)

Now imagine if you know how to be in flow, always. You’ll have a much better quality of life and be HAPPY effortlessly. That’s what I seek. I plan to read this book over the weekend so that I can reset my life and start afresh. I want to completely get rid of the feeling of being STUCK in life and I trust this book to get me out of this dilemma.

Let’s do this.

Given-Taken

“When two givers indulge in a connection, it’s like magic. It’s alchemy. I water you, you water me, we never drain each other, we just grow.”

-Anonymous

Day 8/30

Life would have been so much better had the world be filled with givers. However, that’s not the case in our world. Most people are takers and that’s the main point of contention in many relationships. There are many people who want everyone’s attention, they want to be the center of the Universe, they want people to care for them, guide them, notice them, help them and in return they’ll still complain that the other person is not doing enough. Can you notice the dynamics of a classic giver-taker relationship here?

Givers are self sufficient, they can handle their emotions and needs well on their own. They have expectations from takers too. But the takers are so immersed in their own life that givers learn to take care of themselves. However, takers end up being extremely dependent on givers for all of their emotional needs. The worst part is that no matter how much the giver gives, takers are never satisfied. They’ll always find faults and shortcomings in the taker’s efforts to keep them happy.

The takers are borderline selfish (some don’t even realize it), yet givers do their best to keep them happy. But it comes at a cost. Initially, givers do everything out of love and care for takers. But there comes a tipping point in every relationship (sooner or later) when the givers realize the importance of their own expectations and happiness too. And once the tipping point is breached, givers stop caring about the takers. From this point onwards, givers only try to discharge their responsibility without feeling any love or care for the takers.

If you are a giver in any relationship, make the other person understand your expectations and put yourself first. Only when your cup is full that you can help others. Do everything to make sure that your cup is overflowing with love and care for others so that you don’t burn out doing things for others without getting anything in return.

If you are a taker in any relationship, be conscious of your actions and make time to understand your givers expectations as well. A relationship succeeds only when both parties are happy and fulfilled.

The relationship in question can be anything, husband-wife, siblings, parent-children. Take efforts for people around you and they’ll always remember (sometimes give back) the gesture. Spread happiness and kindness around.

Monthly recap : February 2021

And it’s the end of second month of 2021 already. The first 2 weeks of this month went quiet well for me. I sort of had an intense argument with my mom in the 3rd week which adversely impacted my mental health thereon. Although we are past that argument, things aren’t back to normal yet. However, this month ended on a fantastic note in the form of my participation in an event. This was definitely one of the BEST decisions in my life and surely one of my biggest highlights this year. (More about this in my detailed blogpost soon.)

Mental health

• Meditated for 27/28 days. Although quantitatively this looks like a lot, qualitatively my meditation practice has been below average this month. On most days I could only complete a meditation session of 5 mins, there were days when I did a 3 min session too. However, the benefits of constantly practicing meditation have finally started to show. I’m able to handle stress and anxiety comparatively better than I used to, however, I still have a LONG way to go.
• Journaled/documented my day for 26/28 days. (I’ll be completing the the journal for last 2 days of February today). I’ve been quiet diligent at this activity and it has surely helped me in focusing my attention to the present moment.
• Practiced gratitude journaling for 15/28 days. There has been some improvement in this area. Initially I used to write about random things without feeling any real gratitude towards it. I did it for the sake of doing it. But in the last few days, I intentionally write about things that have actually made me feel happy and grateful for. This has definitely help create a more effective gratitude journaling practice.

Goals for March:- 20 min meditation everyday (maintain my streak on headspace app), practice journaling and gratitude journaling everyday. (Same as last month)

Personal Growth

This section is for a new skill or talent that I’ve acquired in this month, tried a new activity or thing that has pushed me out of my comfort zone.

• I participated in a Fitness Competition for women in my town. This event helped me rediscover my strenghts and weaknesses in a way I never imagined. I prepared for this event for the whole month of February and was suprised at the progress in my fitness level just with the help of consistent practice.

Goal for March :- Cross 500 followers on my blog before my birthday on 13th April

Workouts

My focus was on preparing for the fitness event due to which I had skipped many of my weekly HIIT sessions. I was lazy and skipped my running sessions too this month. Mediocre progress in this category as far as routine practice is concerned.

• 2 long runs in this month
• Participated in a running event where I stood 6th overall, Saw a dramatic improvement in my pace from 6.30/km to 5.19/km.
• HIIT workouts twice a week during the weekdays (ranging from 20 to 30 mins)

Goal for March:- Work on increasing strength, toning muscles and improving overall fitness. Lose body fat and have a toned body

Education

• Zero progress with CFA level 1 curriculum. Took an extended break as my exams have been deferred to July 2021
• Completed an online course on The Science of Well Being by Yale University on Coursera

Goal for March:- Complete first reading of pending 2 subjects of CFA and 2 online courses

Entertainment

• Completed reading 2 books, No Regrets: The Guilt-Free Woman’s Guide to a Good Life by Kaveree Bamzai and 21.1 Running Mistakes: And How to Fix Them for Peak Performance by Kapil Arora
• Completed 2 series, K-drama called Start Up and Indian series Mismatched

Goal for March:- As I have a 2 week leave from office this month starting next Monday, 5-5-2, complete 5 books, 5 movies and 2 series

March 2021, here I come!

Yes or yes

#58/100

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.

-John Milton

There are so many things I wish to do in life. Yet, I don’t do most of them. Some things are beyond my capacity or reach, for everything else, my heart and mind are never in sync.

There have been many situations in life where I wished to do my best. Like giving a presentation in front of a room full of people (which I have rehearsed many times), performing a choreographed dance sequence in front of an audience (after many hours of practice) or doing well at a job interview. I have a fear of public speaking. I’m unable to perform well when I know I’m being watched and “judged” by other people. What is this fear really? For years, it has made me lose many opportunities to excel in life and upgrade my personality. Why do I fear public speaking so much? Why does my mind only say “no” to any opportunity that requires me to be in the limelight?

My oldest memory of public speaking was the fancy dress competition event in school. My costume was up to the mark yet when it was my stage to deliver the dialogue on stage, I stopped mid sentence as I forgot the rest of the sentence. But I didn’t fear anything at that time, I didn’t know what fear was. As years passed by, my fear of being judged by other people increased multi fold. I started caring way too much about what other people thought of me and desperately wished to hide myself whenever I was asked to speak in front of other people.

My weight loss journey also helped me to shed my insecurity and self esteem issues. That’s when I realized, my fear of public speaking stemmed from the fact that I was extremely conscious about my weight. After I lost my weight, I forced myself to do my best under the limelight whenever I got the chance to.

I understand that our mind (rather gene’s) primitive instinct is to survive and avoid death under any circumstances. And I had read somewhere that human beings tend to feel inconsequential when faced with negative remarks. We fear that we might make a fool of ourselves when we don’t perform well. This would make us lose face in front of the society which would render our existence as futile. We have a inert fear of non existence on this planet, which co relates to our gene’s prime most need to survive.

Fear is important, only in case of a real threat to our existence. In all other cases, our mind creates a psychological illusion of fear whenever it senses a situation of treat towards it’s existence. Let us try to be aware of our emotions, understand what situations affect us and in what manner and work towards not missing out real opportunities in the name of fear. Let’s love ourselves enough to work on ourselves.

Do I really procrastinate?

#54/100

“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand—and melting like a snowflake.”

– Francis Bacon

For the longest time I sincerely believed that procrastination = laziness. You have a list of tasks at hand for the day, you know it’s too important to complete them on time, you have plenty of time to strike of each task from your to-do list, yet, you choose to slack! I’ve done it with my studies, while getting ready to go out and majorly with my office work.

For the last 3 days, I have been waking up early to get a good head start on the day and complete my workout before I start my office work. I got the waking up early part right each day, however, every single day I procrastinated till the last minute and had to rush through my workouts and office work. This got me thinking, what really went wrong?

I had a super productive weekend this week. I woke up early both days and completed all my planned work. I even managed to squeeze in a 10 km run on Sunday when my mind tried it’s best to convince me against doing it. On Monday I noticed my energy levels dipping, I was gloomy and it was easier for my mind to convince me to procrastinate.

The point I’m trying to make here is that procrastination is not a state of mind or force of habit. In my case, I tend to procrastinate when I don’t like the task at hand. I’m an introvert by nature, going out to socialize with people can be a nightmare for me sometimes. I always procrastinated when I had to leave my house to attend social events. I don’t like being part of the corporate rate race. That explains my extreme procrastination when it comes to office work. I enjoy reading but studying for an exam makes me anxious and stressed. The fear of not performing well in the exams always overpowered my fear of exams itself. That’s why I always procrastinated on my studies. If I don’t study well, I can blame my lack of preparation for it and be a victim of the situation. On the other hand, I am always punctual on the days of my running events, for my trips or attending a highly anticipated event.

Not every situation in life is going to be as per our wishes. We can be depressed even after manifesting all our goals and achieving the life of our dreams. Life is how you make it. If I hate my current job, I’ll manifest more reasons to hate it. If I work hard on liking what I do, whatever it is, the universe will manifest more reasons for me to find things that I like. It may feel pretentious at first, but to manifest the life of my dreams, I need to pretend that I’m living it in the present. I absolutely couldn’t relate to this advise when I read it in self help books. How can I be happy or find reasons to be happy in a situation that I absolutely despise? Recently I hit rock bottom, I absolutely couldn’t find any reason to be happy in the present or visualize it in future. Being unable to imagine a happy future is the most painful thing one can experience. I got over it by trying to find happiness in the small stuff. As I concentrated on that, I found more reasons to be happy about.

I really need to use this technique at the work place too. I absolutely hate it at present. Starting tomorrow, I’ll try finding reasons that make me happy and fulfilled at my workplace. I’m really excited to see how this experiment turns out. Will I finally be able to be passionate about my work? Only time will tell though I’m optimistic about it!!