“One” connection in millions of conversations

“What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined to strengthen each other, to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories.“

-George Eliot

Day before yesterday was Valentine’s day and like every year, there was nothing special about the day for me. I remember in school, excitedly waiting for Valentine’s day to get roses or chocolates or gifts from my secret admirers. Well, didn’t I think too highly of myself?! I didn’t get as much as a fallen leaf or a chocolate wrapper from my “invisible” admirers. I felt a little empty, at the end of each Valentine’s day and hoped that next year would be better. Well it’s been more than 14 years than when the thought first crossed my mind and I’ve spent each and every one of them, lonely and a tad bit depressed.

Initially I thought that my appearance was the culprit. I was overweight and had no trace of self confidence or self esteem in me. To top that, I was shy and introverted in nature. It was a mammoth task for me to talk to a new person (especially boys) without feeling the need to revisit every conversation thousands of times and mentally murder myself for saying something boring or stupid. Having guy friends was a HUGE step outside my extra comfort zone. It did make me feel less conscious of myself and I started becoming less critical of my appearance. Yet, I didn’t find the one, “MY ONE“

Time passed by and I graduated to the “adulting” zone from my teenage phase. There were way too many things on my mind to think about having a meaningful relationship in my life (yet I felt the absence of it on some days, Valentine’s day being the prominent one even when I vehemently denied it to my family and friends). I still was a work in progress on the “love myself” and “personal growth” space. I had an extremely hectic life which I absolutely hated and wanted someone to “save” me from my pitiful existence (yes, that’s how low I thought of myself back then!). None of the knights in shining armor found their way to my place and I was left all alone, to fight the demons of my mind and life.

Things changed eventually and I started hating myself a lot less. I embarked on the path of self discovery and found a lot of love and respect from my inner self along the way. I discovered my hidden talent in “long distance running” and hobbies (blogging, learning Korean language) that I absolutely enjoyed. The gaps in my life were filled up by these new activities. I enjoyed my own company and didn’t find anything amiss in life except the occasional bout of loneliness on certain empty days.

But then I turned 30 and suddenly everyone around me (courtesy : I have relatives-_-) started behaving as if I’m suffering from an illness (courtesy : I am unmarried) which needs a speedy cure. No matter how hard I try to ignore their talks, fears and expectations, it gets to me at times. I feel lost, directionless, lonely and unhappy many a times. Don’t worry, I try my level best to get out of it and always manage to do so. However, I’m seriously wondering how long this phase will last, when will I stop feeling (or made to feel) like an outcast, will there be a “happy ever after” in my life too?

Today is one of those blue & grey days where everything feels like an uphill battle. I’ve become less expressive and more neutral after all the misses & “almost” encounters of finding love in my life. I’m exhausted, drained and somehow numb to the constant barrage of “When will you get married?” questions and many many rejections! This phase of my life is totally out of my control and that irks me the most. Can the Universe atleast send me a sign so that I stop hoping for my happy ending and an escape from this painful phase?

I am genuinely tired!

A touchy subject

“SHE WAS BRAVE AND STRONG AND BROKEN ALL AT ONCE.” 

-ANNA FUNDER

I’m a patient person by nature. Meditation has really helped calm me down when life gets stressful. I also am aware of certain things or actions that instantly uplift my mood. Of late I have realized that a particular topic keeps disturbing my mental peace. I try to deal with this topic in the best possible manner however it keeps lingering on my mind for a long time. The topic in question is “marriage”.

I haven’t grown up in a loving environment as far as my parent’s marriage is concerned. My childhood traumas affected me throughout my teenage life and still come to bite me in my adulthood. My subconscious mind houses a lot of fears and negativity about marriage and it haunts me whenever someone brings up the topic in front of me.

I do want to get married but I am yet to find a compatible partner to share my life with. When milestones like this are age bound, the resultant decisions become extremely haphazard and are done only to make the society happy. I hope the Universe has got me covered in this matter as I really need all it’s blessings to make the right decision. I REALLY hope 2021 makes my life easier as far as “marriage” is concerned and I get to choose this phase of my life as per my wishes. I am hopeful and positive about the future as always. To end this post, I would like to share one of my favorite quotes which instantly brings peace and calm to my unsettled mind whenever I read it,

Indian Matchmaking

#46/100

A few weeks back, Netflix came up with a show based on the Indian Matchmaking process that quickly rose to number one slot in India. I watched the show in one sitting and thoroughly enjoyed it considering it as a satire on the “arranged marriage” culture in India. Though many viewpoints and comments made on the show were horribly wrong, I managed to get a good laugh out of it. However, there were many who thought that the viewpoints expressed on the show were grossly inaccurate and shows our country’s culture in bad light.

Well, I can’t speak for the country in general, but my experience in this regard has been somewhat similar to the show. About 2 years back, I registered myself on a matrimonial website. Ever since I created an account on it, the only thing I wished to do was to delete it ASAP. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are many people who have managed to find their life partners through such websites. After being on it for more than 2 years (unfortunately I’m still a part of it), I have concluded that virtual dating/marriage is not my cup of tea. The process is so technical and mundane, it makes working in a corporate job a joy ride compared to it.

The initial few requests that I received wanted to match our “kundalis” (horoscopes) before initiating a conversation. Yes, it’s 2020 and we still allow the position of stars and moon to dictate the terms of our life. Then came a gentleman (at least he considered himself one) who tried very hard to show that he is the ‘quintessential modern’ guy with an open mindset. After barely talking for a week, he wanted to know if I had made up my mind to marry him, say WHAT? I didn’t give him an answer as I was unsure at that moment. A few more days in and he tells me that he is talking to other girls as well. Come again? Did I hear it right? I was extremely upset and wanted to call it off but he sweet talked me into believing that I was the only person he has connected with and he wanted to continue talking with me to know me better. Call me naive or extremely DUMB, I believed him and continued. After almost 1.5 months of daily calls and messages, I had made up my mind but he had another plans. The moment I asked him to decide about our future, he gave me a lame ass reply and ghosted me.

Yeah, this incident hurt me terribly at that time and I took a long time to recover from it. It took me a while to try my luck again with these websites. After a lot of misses, I connected with a guy who made it easier for me to converse with. We (rather I) had a lot of good conversations for week when he asked me a question which ended up becoming a deal breaker for him. He asked me if I had any addictions, when I replied in the negative, his demeanor had a visible change. He started conversing less and gave me to the point replies. Owing to my last experience, I didn’t want to leave without finding out the reason behind the change in his behavior. Turns out he found me too “perfect” for him and felt that I would change him if we got together. I really didn’t know what to say. I was glad that it ended and I got my closure.

After a long time of believing that I needed to be married to be happy, I’m finally at a place in my life where I’m truly enjoying (or at least try to) every tiny detail about my life. I don’t have the intense desire to be with someone who can change my life for the better. I somehow have found solace in my own self and realized that the only person who can change my life is I, me and myself. Ever since, I’ve had this realization, I don’t feel unhappy with such experiences or disappointments. I have found the strength to stand up for myself and know what’s completely right for me.

Meanwhile, my life in the “Indian matchmaking” scene is still the same. No matter how educated or successful you are in life, a girl is made to feel incomplete if she isn’t married. A distant uncle called my mother today to tell her how happy my cousin made him by calling off her inter-caste marriage, quitting her job as an air hostess and marrying a guy from our community. Apparently, my cousin had a “bad” image for hanging around with her guy friends and partying in clubs (seriously?????). He sent my mother a proposal for me. I found the guy decent enough to share my details with. My mother gets a call back in an instant, “Don’t let her know, but do we have any pictures of her in a saree or salwar kameez instead of jeans? And there we go again!!

Soulmates

#19/100

“It’s so easy to fall in love but hard to find someone who will catch you”

-Anonymous

Ever since childhood, I’ve been a big fan of romantic comedies. I find intense love stories too cheesy or dramatic. Rom-coms make me go through various emotions without failing to make me laugh throughout it. That’s exactly why I’m pulled towards it like a magnet. It probably started when SRK swooned Kajol in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. This movie’s theme was based on the idea of best friends who discover later that they love each other. Since this was the first movie I had watched when I was sensible enough to understand love stories, my entire idea of love was based on the theme of this movie.

Life moved on and my idea of love has changed dramatically since then. With each new movie or show, I get new perspectives on this very important element of every human’s life. My favorite rom-coms always have amazing male characters. Although every character is different from each other, I always end up falling in love with the chivalrous characters who respect their woman and cherish them. These traits aren’t too much to ask for however I haven’t come across such adorable men in real life. I know many men who are amazing human beings and I absolutely respect them for that. I guess, I’m talking about the male lead of my life.

This is one phase of life that no one has any control over. I recently completed a series where the male lead was heads over heels in love with the female lead and didn’t beat around the bush to express his feelings for her. He knew she was the one and waited patiently for her to realize that. Rom-coms are beautiful. They always tend to teleport me to a parallel universe where every story has a happy ending. However at the end I’m jolted back to reality with a huge void in my heart. I’ve been patiently waiting for my male lead every since I watched Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Unlike in movies/shows, this process can be excruciatingly slow for some people.

I know I’ll eventually find a new rom-com that’ll fill the void for a little while. Sometime’s life tests my patience to a level that I feel like giving up on this dream. But a new beautiful rom-com ends up reassuring my faith in destiny and soulmates. No one knows what the future has in store, it’s better to dream of a happy ending than otherwise.