Hope is all we have

“Hope can be a powerful force. Maybe there’s no actual magic in it, but when you know what you hope for most and hold it like a light within you, you can make things happen, almost like magic.”

-Laini Taylor

I didn’t have a very comfortable life as a child. We had many financial and household issues to deal with. Everyday was a struggle for us, especially my mom. However, if I were to compare my mental strength back then to now, I was way more happy, hopeful and positive in the past. I refrained from overthinking every single aspect of my life, I was hopeful and positive of a bright future, I knew things would turn out in our favour sooner or later. I had something to look forward to, I had a lot of goals for my future, the future seemed like a happy dream that I was eager to convert to reality.

Things did work out in our favour. Most of my childhood goals have been accomplished (from earning a degree, getting a stable job, fulfilling the basic materialistic goals such as buying a branded cell phone to fancy clothes to renovating my house). Life should be amazing, I should be happy, I shouldn’t have anything to crib about anymore. Well that’s the issue, why does all of this still seem difficult? Why do we forget everything that has worked for us and always focus on the things that we don’t have? Why does my mind have to overthink every single moment of my life and present me with situations that always seem unfavorable and scary? I was never this confused during my childhood when we had very few reasons to be happy or grateful for. But now when I have a zillion things to be happy about, my mind keeps redirecting me to that one thing that I don’t have or that one goal I might never achieve!

I had problems back in my childhood as well. But I was hopeful of a happy future and that dream kept me alive. It gave me the energy to fight the devils of my mind and just focus on the task at hand. As I grew up and came across more failures in life, my hopeful nature lost it’s sheen and my mind started storing and reliving the real life experiences of feeling lost, disappointed, hurt and scared. Because of this I’ve reached at a phase in life where every new decision causes my mind to relive all the pain and trauma I’ve experienced in the past. Thus, I’m unable to think straight, hope for a bright future, work towards a goal or simply be happy without overthinking any aspect of my life.

Overthinking sucks big time. It makes every simple decision of my life into a life or death situation. It completely drains my energy and distorts my ability to think straight. I know happiness is not a destination but a life long journey. A single event or goal in our life doesn’t have the ability to keep us happy forever. It’s a daily process, a life long effort and developing a hopeful attitude towards life.

I might have mentioned this many times before but I need to reiterate it to myself as I’ve lost my track and fallen deep into the black hole of overthinking. It has drained me and is now clouding my judgement. It isn’t allowing me to enjoy a single moment of peace and happiness without thinking twice about it. Few minor changes that I’m planning to make henceforth to avoid my mind to take control of my life.

• Practice being in the present : Focus only on the present moment
• Focus on what I have control over : Ignore what we can’t change, work on things we can control
• Write down your thoughts when it gets overwhelming : Maintain a daily journal
• Figure out solutions than mulling over problems : Think about all the possible way out and how it can be effective in solving the problem
• Become a person of action : Especially in making simple decisions, take decisions right away rather than pondering over it indefinitely.

I’ll share my thoughts and experiences on the effect of making these simple changes in my life soon. Till then, let’s be happy and focus on living our life to the fullest!

Wish I knew this earlier

“The past is a place of reference, not a place of residence; the past is a place of learning, not a place of living.”

–Roy T. Bennett

Although I haven’t ran the whole course of my life yet, there are some lessons I learnt pretty late. When we are young, we are filled with confidence and optimism about the future and believe that we can move past any challenges in life. However, we end up giving up the reins of our life to fate during the later stages in life. As we grow older, we realise that we could have channelised that high amount of confidence and optimism into something productive and fruitful that would help us be more in control of our life.

These are some lessons I’ve come accross either through internet or bitter experiences or analysing the life led by people around me. Although I wish I knew this earlier, I’m really glad that I’m aware of it now and have worked on it to improve the overall quality of my life.

• Join a sport or participate in that extra curricular event :- I was a big time nerd and truly believed studies are the only thing that I should be doing as a student. I was horribly wrong. I realised the importance of fitness and communication much later in life. Learning a sport helps not just in developing strength and stamina but also becoming more disciplined, learning from our failures and facing challenges headstrong. We live in a very sheltered environment as far as school and college is concerned and have people around to help with our requirements. Once we are thrown into the real world, every new situation seems life threatening and we fail to blend in with the crowd. Learn to make new friends, talk to more people, learn about their experiences, participate in events that force you out of your comfort zone. That’s how you realise that every single person on this planet is dealing with their fear and insecurties and you learn to feel less intimidated by people, especially strangers.
• Be financially independent : It’s very important to chase our dreams and passion and figure out the purpose of our existence. However, we also need to find a way to be financially independent along the process. Unless we have unlimited financial resources left to us by our ancestors, everyone needs to work for their survival in this world. Make sure you incorporate the golden habit of saving early on in your life, learn about financial planning, take advise from experts to grow your corpus, make financially sound decisons when it comes to material purchases, know your long and short term financial goals. Once you feel financially sound, you can take all the big decisions in life with more confidence.
• Make meditation a part of daily routine : We all know the wonderful benefits of meditation however it can take a painfully long time for us to visibly see the changes in our life. Till that time, we are required to meditate cosistently without expecting any instant gratification. And that my friend, is an extremely difficult task. It’s better to think of it as a part of daily routine that we need to follow without fail like brushing our teeth or taking a bath. Yes, meditation is undoubtedly the best tool available within our control which can help in maintaining a sound mental health. And making it a daily routine is the best way to reap it’s rich rewards later on in life.
• Everyday is equally important : Most of the days in my life are a waitlist for the special ones/the D days/an important day to look forward to. We feel happy on these special days and dread to get back to the “normal routine” to be followed on the other days. If we can learn to tweak this mindset, there will be a visible change in our happiness levels. The best way to do this is by maintaining a daily journal. It’s just a 5 minute daily practice that requires you to revisit your day and write down whatever made an impact on you that day. This small practice can help you be more grateful and pull your attention back to the present moment. Document your day, focus on making daily progress, make memories, click pictures, life certainly isn’t about those few special days, everday is equally special.

And that’s all I’ve learned and try to implement in my day to day life to feel at peace and more happy in general. Hope it helps you too!

Just a reminder

Day 27/30

12 goals for 2021

My goals are usually very descriptive and never ending. I love writing down goals and I’m curious to experience life in general. Although I’m tempted to write down every goal in the book each year, I’ve decided to stick to 12 most important ones this time. I’m jotting down these goals here as my wish list for the Universe. It’ll be great fun to revisit them at the end of the year and figure out how many goals I managed to accomplish.

1. Travel to South Korea and attend BTS concert live
2. Clear Chartered Financial Analyst^® (CFA^®) level 1 exam (scheduled on 21st February), earn a scholarship for Level 2 exam
3. Run 10 kms under 60 minutes and half marathon under 2 hrs 15 minutes
4. Meet my other half (Dripped in cheese, I know. The wait has been excruciatingly long!)
5. Lose body fat, gain muscle definition (will define this in absolute terms once I check my current measurements)
6. Read 50 books and watch 50 shows/movies
7. Join the 5 am club (wake up at 5 am everyday)
8. Help mom lose weight (10 kgs) and become the fittest version of herself
9. Complete 12 online courses
10. Cross the 500 articles and 1000 followers mark on my blog, The Supermode.
11. Speak, read and write fluent Korean
12. A 50% increase in my current pay scale, upgrade in my designation at work (through my current job or a new one)

That’s it and I’m all pumped for 2021!

Would I be any different?

“There is no paycheck that can equal the feeling of contentment that comes from being the person you are meant to be.”

-Oprah Winfrey

I’ve had a tough childhood and have always considered this as a good excuse for all of my failures in life. For the longest time, I have blamed my father for not giving the rest of our family the means to do well in life. I still do this at times when I feel frustrated or stressed for not having things under my control. There is a nagging thought I have every single day and that’s my lack of efforts in living life to my full potential.

I always believed that my childhood experiences have shaped my personality, the good, bad and ugly. While I’m proud of all of my accomplishments, I’m fairly unsatisfied with the importance of career in my life. While growing up my family faced a lot of financial crunch, I took up my current profession and job to give a comfortable life to my family. I never wanted to experience financial trouble ever in my life. That was my sole motivation to earn a degree and look out for a job. As soon as I achieved this purpose, my life felt empty and directionless. I started hating my profession, job and everything related to one of the biggest aspect every human’s life, my career.

I have spent a lot of time blaming my father, my childhood, our family circumstances for not being able to achieve better things in life. I have also conveniently BELIEVED that my life would have been a lot different if I had the privilege of experiencing a comfortable childhood. That was far more easy for me than taking responsibility for my life.

Come to think of it, I don’t think my life would have been any different with a better childhood. I would still be the same person, with the same level of motivation and ambition in life, maybe even less as I wouldn’t have a solid purpose to dream big. I probably would have ended up doing nothing great in my career and led a comfortable life handed over to me by my wealthy father. WOW! This realization just hit me hard! My inability to achieve my full potential cannot be attributed to my childhood! It’s because of my half hearted attempts, my laziness to plan and chase my goals, it’s all ME!

Now that I know this well, I want to know what I’m truly capable of. I want to realize my full potential. I want to be the BEST in what I do and keep learning new things in life till the end of my existence on this planet. I’m truly pumped up and excited to start this new chapter in my life. I will share my journey, learning experiences and achievements here. Eagerly looking forward to see how life looks like on the other side of regrets, self sabotaging thoughts and all things that bog me down. I promise to utilize every ounce of my strength to fight the demons of my mind.

Can be better

#87/100

“I hope you do not let anyone else’s expectations direct the course of your life.” 

– Julianne Donaldson

In my previous organization, we were given a lot of work and there was never a moment to spare. The attrition rate was very high which practically forced us to be on our toes, learn different skills and grasp new work in a short period of time. The first few months were a blur, I never understood what I did at work. Slowly things made sense and by the time I left the organization, I was solving issues that I always admired my seniors for doing. In one of my review meetings, I was praised by the senior management for my quality of work which was better than was expected. The expectation there was basic, do the work allotted to you accurately and avoid making errors. Any work done beyond this expectation was applauded like handling a team well or completing work well within the deadline even with a low staff count.

Things changed (for the worse) when I joined my current organization. Firstly, I am part of the cost function here (I don’t make money for the organization) in a team filled with sales professionals and traders, hence looked down upon. No one says that directly but one can sense it from other people’s behavior or the general work environment. Secondly, I don’t get any feedback on my work from the only person whose opinion matters, my boss! I started with zero expectations (visibly excited to learn new things from scratch) which fizzled out in a month when the person who taught me work left the organization. I realized that I am on my own from now onwards without anyone in my team. I tried understanding my boss’s expectations but he was always vague in his communication. My boss who is 30 years my senior, has a very old school mentality of learning at work. Instead of giving more work, he expects me to ask him if he has any work. He wishes that I interact with every one in my vicinity and learn about their job. That’s how he wants me to learn everything about everything.

I tried doing it in the beginning. I probably didn’t give my best attempt as this way of learning was against my personality. I am a shy and introverted person, it takes immense mental strength for me to ask someone a normal query. I keep thinking that I’m disturbing the person or might not get a satisfactory response. This is not a new thing, I’ve never asked any queries to my teachers from school to college, I always tried finding my own answers. But this was the prime expectation from my boss and I had no clue how to live up to it. I kept shrugging it to off to a point that every single unsatisfactory response from my boss makes me feel that he HATES me! It’s really nerve wracking to end each work day on an unsettled note truly believing that I’ve disappointed my boss. He doesn’t say anything to me on my face but gives sarcastic replies at times proving my suspicion right.

I know I’m not going to be around working for this person all my life. This phase is temporary. It’s just that every single day at work becomes a burden when you feel unwelcome and somewhat hated. Oh yes, he has never really appreciated any of my work till now, it’s been around 2.5 years that I’ve joined this workplace. He compares people’s achievements to his own and feels that the present generation doesn’t work hard enough. You guessed it right, he is a ‘baby boomer’. His work ethic and knowledge is admirable, he earned it all on his own. When you have done so much in life, it becomes difficult to appreciate anything that’s less than yours. That’s where empathy comes into place. You lived a different life, it’s unfair to have unnecessarily high expectations from the present generation and mock them for not doing better. Everyone is doing the best they can.

This is one of the main reasons on having terrible Monday blues and dreading the end of each vacation. I don’t wish to go back to being burdened under the painfully heavy weight of my boss’s expectations. The only way out is to do my best and enjoy what I do. My sanity and happiness is always a priority and anything that goes against it doesn’t have a place in my life.

Start your day right

#50/100

“Inaction only makes a task more daunting in your eye. Act quickly, before you overthink, get anxious or give up.”

― Avina Celeste

Clearly I’m not an expert who can advise you on how to get your work done and be productive in life. I have dealt with chronic procrastination before. I still can be quiet an annoying procrastinator and terribly lazy at times. Over the years, I have come across few tricks that have worked well for me to complete my tasks well before time and get a good night’s sleep knowing that I have been productive today.

Although I have a good sleep schedule, I can’t avoid negative thoughts on those nights where I feel I have been unproductive throughout the day. This has happened with me almost all my life. When I was a student, I loved making schedules and timetables to study. But I never understood why I was always unable to stick to those timetables. I know now that it was my anxiety acting up and building unnecessary stress and fear in me to work on my tasks. I wish I had this realization back in the days. It would have definitely help me make better use of my time.

Well, it’s better late than never. I have picked up few techniques from my experiences that help get my work done, at least in most cases. I’m still the same person with a better ability to fight the evils of anxiety, fear and laziness.

The thing that works best for me is preparing a ‘to-do list’. Yes, I still get excited while preparing schedules. Preparing a to-do list helps me organize my tasks on a sheet of paper (you can use any method) so that I have a fair idea of tasks on hand (than leave it to the mercy of my unpredictable memory). I really wish to jot down a to-do list every night for the next day to be mentally prepared for each new day. Now this is something I really need to push myself to do. Next up, start before you can think. Yes, you have your to-do list in place which gives you an idea of the work you have to do during the day, pick one task (possibly the most difficult one) and start right away. You can spend some time on thinking of ways to get it done in the best possible manner but I tend to slag around and waste my time when I do this. On most weekends, starting from Saturday, I used to wake up late and then sleep some more till I came back to my senses at the end of Sunday. My weekends started getting more productive once I created a early morning running schedule and forced myself to stick to it each time. Once I got the most difficult thing done first thing in the morning on a weekend, the rest of the day just passed by blissfully. I am a morning person, I like to get to work first thing in the morning as those are my most productive hours. For night owls, I suggest you understand your productive hours and complete your work during that period of time. The last and most important thing that works for me is to plan well ahead of time. I hate last minute jitters, trust me when I say that it doesn’t help in the quality of work at all. I have shrugged off work to the last minute all my life and ended up with a feeling of extreme dissatisfaction at the end of it. It’s better to pre-plan your work and add it to your to-do list each day so that you are able to work on it bit by bit each day.

That’s about it! These are the ways I’m sticking to currently to avoid that nagging feeling of disappointment at the end of each day. Hope it helps you in some way or the other. Do let me know if it does!

Liebster Award

#31/100

I feel blessed and extremely happy to be nominated for the “Liebster Award” award by Anjali from https://chasingthemaximumlife.wordpress.com/. She is a beautiful soul who has been my constant support on this blogging journey. Her content is remarkable and can been seen through her sincere and genuine blog posts. Please drop by her blog and shower her with all your love and support as she is truly amazing! Thanks a million Anjali!!

Rules: 

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
2. Answer the 11 questions given to you 
3. Nominate up to 11 other bloggers
4. Ask your nominees 11 questions 
5. Notify your nominees once you have uploaded your post. 

My answers to Anjali’s questions :-

1. Where do you see your blog in a year’s time?

A year is a long time, I haven’t envisioned any specific annual goal for my blog yet though I should. I just want to be a better writer, have more clarity in my thoughts and be able to convert my thoughts to words in the best manner possible. I hope to have more than 1000 followers by then (might sound too farfetched at the moment, but a girl can dream!)

2. If you could live anywhere on earth (and take whomever you wanted along), where would it be?

WOW! That’s a magical question. I would love to live in South Korea with my sister and mom.

3.  Would you rather lose the ability to read or lose the ability to speak?

I cannot fathom losing the ability to read. Both are very essential senses but for the sake of this question I’ll go with losing the ability to speak.

4. What’s that one negative thing you would get rid of so that you can have a better life?

I sometimes can get impatient with my goals. I feel like doing everything, right now. I need to go slow and break down bigger goals into smaller tasks on a daily basis so that it’s easier to accomplish.

5. Favourite thing to do when you’re sick?

Rest and browse through the internet, maybe watch a show along the way.

6. Would you rather be a famous director of a famous actor? And why?

This is something I’ve never thought of. If I have to choose one, I’ll go with being a famous actor. Recently I’ve been mesmerized by the acting skills of a Korean star. He absolutely loves his profession and creates magic on the screen in whatever role he portrays. It seems interesting to play different roles on screen. For a person like me who wants to try everything in life, becoming an actor sounds like an interesting opportunity.

7. Do you trust your own memory? Why or Why not?

Absolutely. I have a pretty good memory. It has helped me a lot throughout my student life while preparing for my exams. It’s one of the things I’m proud of.

8. Favourite guilty pleasure food?

CHOCOLATE ANYTHING.

9. Favourite appetizer?

Any dish made of paneer. I really love “Paneer Kasturi” made by a local restaurant in my residential area.

10. Your favourite genre? Why?

If this relates to book/show/movie then ROMCOMS all the way. It makes me go through various emotions throughout the show/movie/book. I need a good comic element along with romance in any entertainment medium to keep me hooked.

11. What is your blog related wish for 2020? Your favourite genre?

I wish to complete my 100 day posts challenge without any hiccups. I don’t have a favourite genre when it comes to reading. I like anything that can keep me engrossed.

My nominees for the award :-

Bhanu from Surat Diaries

Manisha from A Human Just Like You

Pooja from Lifeisfinewhine

Recuperation

Anusha from blatherskite

Nawazish from The Lightening bug

My questions to the nominees :-

1. Why did you start blogging?
2. Who/what is the biggest inspiration behind your blog?
3. Do you like cats or dogs more?
4. What is the one thing you want to change about your past?
5. What makes you angry and what do you do to calm yourself down?
6. What is your favourite song that you are hooked to these days?
7. If you can pick one superpower, what would it be and why?
8. What is your favourite movie of all time?
9. Is there a particular food that can instantly lift your spirits?
10. What is the one adventure sport that you wish to try?
11. What is the first country on your vacation bucket list and why?

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and gratitude always.

-Supermode

-The Lock-down Tag-

#29/100

I went through Anusha’s post on her blog for this tag and found her answers super cool and interesting. She very graciously decided to nominate me for this tag and I’m extremely thankful for this sweet gesture. Please do check out her blog, she has put out some pretty amazing stuff out there that’s sure to mesmerize all the readers. (https://blatherskiite.wordpress.com)

This time I won’t be picking out specific nominations, please feel free to nominate yourselves for this tag if you find it worthwhile. 🙂

Rules for Award

• Thank the person who nominated you
• Answer the blogger’s questions
• Nominate other bloggers

Answers for the questions asked by Anusha :-

1. Overall, how are you handling the quarantine?

I’m sure like any other introvert, this quarantine has been more of a blessing than a hindrance to me. I’ve had a hectic routine every since I got out of school and have never spent such a long duration of time at home. Some days I was productive, on other days I just did nothing. My hectic life was on pause this entire time and I’ll most definitely cherish it for years to come.

2. Have you violated any of the restrictions? If yes, what rule(s) did you break?

Violating rules freaks me out! My conscience will kill me if I even think of doing anything out of line, so no.

3. What viral recipes have you tried during the lockdown?

I don’t keep a track of any viral recipes but I did cook a lot during the lockdown. I started with baking, had a lot of failed attempts before I could bake a proper cake for my mother’s birthday. Here’s a picture for you guys. I was very thrilled when it turned out decent enough, my mom loved it!

4. What activities have you missed the most during quarantine?

The only thing I missed was outdoor running.

5. Do you wear a mask when you leave the house?

Yes, most definitely.

6. Are you an essential worker? If yes, what is your job title?

I’m not a frontline worker but I do work for a bank which has been categorized under essential services. I am a business analyst for the treasury function of a private bank.

7. How do you exercise during the lockdown?

I absolutely love working out. Even before the pandemic struck the world, I preferred working out at home and have never set foot in a gym. I follow HIIT workout routines on YouTube.

8. Have you subscribed to any new subscription services since the lockdown started?

Yes! I started meditating regularly during the lockdown to calm my anxious mind. I use a brilliant app called “Headspace“. It has amazing courses on meditation and mindfulness and has been helping me out a lot. I subscribed to their annual pack when I stumbled upon a huge discount on their website.

9. What did/does your daily schedule look like before the pandemic started?

My day used to start at 6 am, workout for 30 mins and get ready for office. I had to board the 7.30 am local train for my office. I used to study for my upcoming CFA Level 1 exams on the train or utilise the time to watch movies/listen to music. Post work I reached home by 7/7.30 pm, freshened up and study again for an hour. I spent time with my mother, talk on the phone with my sister who stays in a different city and sometimes catch up with my close friends. Weekend mornings were reserved for runs and the rest of the day was spent in relaxing or catching up on shows/reading books/meeting up with friends.

10. Do you think that the pandemic is getting better or worse?

I honestly am not following the news related to the pandemic at all. I hope and wish it gets better as soon as possible. Thinking about it makes me very anxious hence I decided to divert my mind from it as much as possible.

Questions for the nominees (Same as the ones I answered)

1. Overall, how are you handling the quarantine?
2. Have you violated any of the restrictions? If yes, what rule(s) did you break?
3. What viral recipes have you tried during the lockdown?
4. What activities have you missed the most during quarantine?
5. Do you wear a mask when you leave the house?
6. Are you an essential worker? If yes, what is your job title?
7. How do you exercise during the lockdown?
8. Have you subscribed to any new subscription services since the lockdown started?
9. What did/does your daily schedule look like before the pandemic started?
10. Do you think that the pandemic is getting better or worse?

Thank you so much for reading and for appreciating my work. It means a lot! 🙂

Have you ever felt unsettled in life?

So I’ve been going through this phase for quiet sometime now, I guess the Covid-19 situation might have just aggravated it further. I feel very unsettled in my life. I don’t mean to say I’m depressed at the moment, might have experienced bouts of anxiety when I was asked to resume work about 3 weeks back, but the feeling of not having things under my control.

Before you guys jump to conclusions and write me off for spelling out a common phenomena that everyone experiences in their life, let me tell you I’ve been feeling like this for a long time now. It might have started roughly about 4 years back when I gradually started losing interest in my professional work. My mind kept asking me questions as to what purpose does tallying balance sheets and calculating P&L serve the mankind in general. I know it very well that it’s an important job to do, people need to know how much money they have made so that they can make more the next time. I realised in the end, it’s all about money! I really don’t know if I’m that crazy about money to spend my whole life calculating it, in different ways and forms of course!

This whole mystery of finding one’s life’s purpose has made me go through several emotions. 4 years back when I realised I need to find my purpose, this thought gave me an interim purpose of going through various content online, watching videos, talking to people to help figure out my own purpose. Then the initial excitement of being exposed to helpful content online, listening to various people who have it all sorted gradually waned leaving me with this additional burden of not having figured out my purpose yet!

Is there a rulebook or textbook or anybook that gives out the exact instructions to solve this great mystery of life? They really should have made it for atleast people who suffer from OCD. It can get annoying to the point that nothing makes sense anymore. As I said, the inital excitement and energy has completely dissapeared, my younger self might abandon me completely if she found out how I turned out eventually. I was a person who believed in the lamest of fairy tales, innocently believed and trusted people around, made a wish and really believed that it would turn true. Now, I’m just few points short in unclocking my next avatar, the cynic!

This sure seems like a very first world problem right? There are people around us who don’t know where their next morsel of food will come from and mighty me is complaining about not finding her “purpose” in life! Seriously, is that even a problem. While I’m totally empathetic towards the people who’ve had it extremely difficult in life and do whatever little I can to help them, I’m really not able to silence this nagging thought inside my head that keeps saying, this is not it, you are wasting your time, something is not right!

They say the best way to help yourself is to start by loving yourself. The question that I have now is whether I need to love myself in a manner that I’m able to forgive myself for the possibility of not EVER finding my purpose in life or should I love myself enough to keep giving myself chances when I fail to find it despite my best efforts? Does this thing called purpose even exist in life, or it’s just a ploy by the self help gurus to help sell their books and speeches?

Aah, seriously though, please share the rule book to life, I really want to go back to the person I was 4 years back who had no such thoughts, striding through life in oblivion!