Chasing growth

I’ve had a long hiatus from blogging. The reason I couldn’t post regularly anymore is because I sensed a feeling of stagnancy in my writing. I felt that I was writing about the same stuff, time and again and had nothing new to offer to this community. The break was needed and a lot of things happened in my life during this period of 4 odd months that I was away from word press, with the exception of my monthly recaps. I feel much better now, mentally and I consider that a huge plus considering my frame of mind in the last 4 months.

My initial purpose of starting this blog was to write about my thoughts and feelings freely here and gain some mental clarity in the process. Today, I’ve come back here to do the same thing. I’ve had a nagging thought going on in my head for a long time now and I desperately wanted to stop pondering over it. I tried drafting this post multiple times in the last 2 weeks but just wasn’t able to get my thoughts together. It’s Sunday today and I have all the time in the world to complete this post and bring a closure to my thought process on this topic.

Let me start with a question. How close are you with your childhood friends now? I guess this question is relevant to the people who have crossed the major milestones in their lives (school > college > job > marriage). As we grow older and shoulder more responsibilities in life, our priorities changes at times and we aren’t able to sustain the same level of connection with our friends in the same manner as during our teenage or young adulthood days. Some may accept this change quickly and move on with their lives. Others may wait endlessly for things to revert back to good old days and refuse to come out of their comfort zone. The sooner we realize that each and every person we know is capable of change, sometimes into a completely different version of them that we no longer connect to, the better it is for us to prioritize our own growth.

For the longest time, I was upset and hurt at these people who left without a trace, who went from talking about every random thing in the world everyday to finding it difficult to hold a conversation, who only contacted me only when they needed to get some information or work done, whose thought process or ideologies did not resonate with me anymore. There were times when I could see my close friends in pain and agony because of their mindset and negative beliefs and I felt absolutely helpless as my words or actions were of no help to them. It made me feel incapable of providing support, emotionally drained and mentally exhausted. I blamed myself for not being a good friend, not being there for my closed ones when they needed me the most, not being able to help them out of their misery. This also took a toll on my mental health as I felt guilty of not being a good friend or even a helpful human being and I blamed myself for leaving such people in distress to concentrate on my own well being.

However, in the past couple of months I’ve realized that you don’t need to change your core nature, your beliefs in the pretext of helping others. The ones who seek help, will figure out a way of dealing with their troubles (if you no longer serve the purpose) and connect with those who make them feel better in their own right. You shouldn’t blame or bash yourself for not being the one helping them or be upset with them for reaching out to others for support. While they are away figuring out their lives, it’s imperative that you concentrate on your own and make sure that you make yourself a priority.

We spend most of our life in our head, amidst our thoughts. Naturally, we need to ensure that our mind is the most positive and encouraging place to be. Feed the thoughts that foster your growth, keep the negative thoughts at bay, nourish them by being grateful towards our existence and thankful for all the opportunities that have led to our growth in life. There is no one way to lead a happy life but we can figure out the things that definitely don’t add value to it.

Recently I saw an amazing keynote speech by Hal Elrod, #1 international bestselling author of The Miracle Morning. He discussed an amazing rule that he swears by to keep his emotions in check.

He calls it the 5- minute rule.

According to it, when things go wrong, it’s okay to be completely negative–but not for more than five minutes. With this rule, Elrod learned to set a timer, moan, complain, whine, and express every negative emotion he liked during a period of five minutes, and then took a deep breath to say three remarkably powerful words:

Can’t Change It.

“It’s simply an acknowledgement that I can’t change what’s already happened, so there’s no value in wishing it were different,” he explains.

With this, I’ll stop thinking about ways to change the external factors in my life or regret my past actions. I’ll work on taking complete responsibility of my life and make sure to do everything to improve it’s quality. It makes no sense to blame our circumstances for everything that goes wrong as it doesn’t provide any solution or help us with the way forward.

Accept it, own it and hustle harder.

To the good place

“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.”

-Thomas Campbell

Day 26/30

To my dear aunt who lost the battle to covid today, hope you are in a better place now and not hurting anymore.

It’s getting scary

“Fears are nothing more than a state of mind.”

–Napoleon Hill

Day 24/30

The covid-19 situation in India is getting scarier by the day. People are struggling to get beds in hospitals, medicines aren’t easily available, test results are taking longer than 2 days, the health care system has broken down, the number of active cases has reached it’s peak, the number of daily cases have crossed all time high. In short, the situation is murky and it’s getting worse by the day.

I don’t want to play the blame game here and try to find out what went wrong. It’s not one single person’s fault. Right now, the situation is so bad that we don’t know how long it’ll take for this dark phase to end. In the last week alone, I must have heard a new case in my contacts (friends and extended family) for every single day of the week. Covid has hit way too close to our home and we are scrambling for safety.

My aunt had been hospitalized because of covid about 12 days back. Initially we were told that she had a mild infection and was stable. As days passed by, her condition started deteriorating. Yesterday, my cousin messaged me saying that she is critical. A shiver ran down my spine, I did not expect this. Most of the cases that I’ve heard till now had a positive recovery rate. I was hoping that it would be the same with my aunt. I took life and the current scenario for granted. I was sure that it would be a mild infection and she’ll be back home soon. Yesterday’s news broke me completely. I am scared. Hoping against hope that she’ll be back hale and hearty soon.

Please don’t take anything in life for granted. We need to be grateful for everything that we have in life. Our time on this planet is limited and very precious. Respond to that message, take that call, listen to those stories, forgive and forget, move past those grudges, don’t let anger and ego ruin any relationship, make time for your loved ones.

Praying that the situation gets better, praying that my aunt gets better.

Please take care of yourself and your loved ones. Eat healthy food, workout, take care of your mental health, wear a mask, stay safe. We are not bigger than this virus.

What’s my why?

“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”

–James Allen

Day 21/30

When it comes to my career, my motivation to get a new job has never been an advancement in my career. My initial jobs were the ones I desperately sought to earn money. The financial conditions of my family was terrible and I didn’t know better than to get a job. I found one but the job description or company didn’t light up my soul. I cried on my way to office on the second day of my new job as I didn’t like anything about that place. I had to continue because of various reasons but quit after 4 years after I got my current job. My current job is great when it comes to work life balance but I’ve felt stagnant here ever since I’ve joined. There has been no growth whatsoever and I feel trapped here, every single day.

I have been randomly applying to a lot of jobs these days so that I get an opportunity. But the process hasn’t led any results as I was unclear about my “Why?”, the real purpose behind getting a job. This time it’s different. As my family’s financial situation is quiet stable now and I don’t seek shorter working hours anymore, my focus is on learning. I really wish to challenge myself a little, learn new things, motivate my own self.

If your “Why” is intact, you’ll be able to clear through all hurdles along the way. If you have your “why” clear in mind, nothing and no one will stop you from working on to become the best version of yourself.

It’s time for me to introspect, figure out my “Why” and schedule all my activities and tasks to achieve that goal. The Universe will forever be in your favor, if you do this. Trust the process.

Deconstruct to reconstruct

“Every day, you reinvent yourself. You’re always in motion. But you decide every day: forward or backward.”

—James Altucher

Day 18/30

Sometimes you just burnout. Your daily routine doesn’t seem fruitful anymore. You get upset by the end of the day because of your procrastination on important tasks throughout the day. You feel lost, demotivated and desperately seek a fresh start. You write down a to-do list for next day, it consists of everything that you wish you would do but you’ve never attempted it even once in your whole life. Like waking up at 5 am (when your usual timing is 8 am), reading 50 pages of a book (usual count 0), workout for 30 mins (usual count 0) so on and so forth. You get the point. Things don’t exactly transpire the way you’d wish for the next day and thus begins the endless loop of self pity and unproductivity. How do you get out of it? Let me lay down small tips that might help!

• Deconstruct your day : Find out 3 key tasks from your daily routine that you’d wish to change. It can be very simple tasks like drinking 1 liter water or reading 10 pages of a book.

• Reconstruct it step by step : If you are habituated to have a bath in the evening, try having it in the morning the next day. Skip junk food for a day. Make it very simple and short and challenge yourself you attempt just these 3 tasks the next day. Since the tasks are simple, attempting them shouldn’t seem too difficult. Once you accomplish them, you’d have the confidence to increase the level of these targets the next day. Take each day as it comes. Don’t try to become wonderwoman the very next day!

• Convert your mind into a trainer : You know those taskmasters in the gym who set your goals, motivate you to achieve them every single day, envision your long term targets, keep a tab on your progress and make sure you succeed! You have an in house trainer that wouldn’t cost you a dime, YOUR MIND! I know this works since I’ve tried it before. Our mind has 2 voices, one always recommends the easy way out (the procrastinator), the other motivates you to chose the right path (the taskmaster). Try to concentrate on your mind’s chatter for a day. Your mind always gives you 2 choices. Your intuition always knows what’s right for that moment but there’s another voice which makes your procrastinate everything and choose the lazy route out. Force yourself to listen to the taskmaster at least 3 out of 5 times and you’ll be sorted.

That’s it for now. These are very simple and basic steps that has the power to change your lifestyle, slowly and steadily. A big change in our life might not take overnight but we can make sure to change our life, one brick at a time.

Making healthier choices

“We were meant to grow. When we don’t grow, we seek diversions–some harmless (if unproductive), others destructive–to fill the emptiness.”

–Jim Clemmer

Day 15/30

I truly believe we always have two choices while taking any decision in our life, a right one and an easier one. The easier one gives immediate reward which is short term, the right one requires hard work but gives fulfilment and the reward is long term. Which option do you choose in most of your decisions in life?

Well, I have mostly picked up the easier option. Well, who doesn’t like an instant reward? That’s what we all crave right? But true happiness and fulfilment lies in making the harder choice.

Choose your hard! We always pick one that gives instant gratification. However, picking the difficult one makes sure that the reward is worthwhile and long lasting. Choose your hard!

A jolly good day

“Happiness is a gift and the trick is not to expect it, but to delight in it when it comes.”

-Charles Dickens

Day 13/30

It’s my birthday today and I didn’t expect it to go so well. Actually, I had no expectations at all. The only thing I knew was under my control was completing my target of running 13 kms today since my birth date is 13. I knew that if I managed to accomplish this first thing in the morning on my birthday, my day will be sorted.

When the clock struck 12 am on 13th, my best friend and sister called to wish me. My best friend had already sent me my birthday gift 2 days earlier. It’s an amazing pair of mint green sneakers that had been on my wish list for a very long time. My sister gave me a gift that shook me to the very core. I had been eyeing a running watch from a reputed brand for a long time. It was on my wish list and would have been a big achievement for me once I managed to catch hold of it. MY SISTER GIFTED ME THE WATCH! It took me more than a minute to understand what’s going on when I opened the gift and saw the brand name. I absolutely DID NOT expect this.

The day started with a 13 km run, I knew this was totally under my control to set the tone for the day. As soon as I came back, I responded to all the wishes. It honestly MADE my day. Everyone remembered my birthday and made sure to wish me. They poured their wishes and blessings on me and that made me feel extremely grateful and special. Birthdays are really special as we feel like everyone is celebrating the day we were brought to existence and that fills my heart with gratitude.

The secret to happiness is LOW or NO expectations and I couldn’t agree more. I have always felt empty and sad towards the end of my birthdays all these years as I had many unfulfilled expectations. Last year I had an incredible birthday even after being under complete lockdown as I did not expect anything. The same story repeated this year as well yet I had a very blessed birthday. That’s the mantra I’m going to follow all my life.

A 180 degree change

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”

-Wayne Dyer

Day 10/30

I was lying on the couch today, completely bored out of my wits and for the first time in my life, dreading my birthday that’s going to arrive in 3 days. At the exact moment, my best friend called and told me that the Amazon delivery guy needs to understand the directions to my home and he was also on the line. I realized that she planned a surprise gift for me and I jumped in excitement. Finally, SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

The package was delivered and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw what it contained. It was a pair of mint green shoes that was on my wish list for a very long time!! I recollected having discussed it with her many months ago and I couldn’t believe that she remembered.

I feel so blessed to have friends in my life, who care about me, listen to everything I say and truly wish for my happiness. My day changed from a boring one to one filled with happiness and excitement in a split second.

Why am I dreading my birthday this year? Let me give a disclaimer here, it’s only this year that I’m not excited for my birthday. I usually count the days to my birthday and plan something special to make it memorable. This year though, I feel very unsettled. I don’t know what the future holds. My life isn’t moving forward according to the conventional timelines of the society. I’m dreading any calls know with the fear of being asked the same questions I don’t have an answer to. I have started to avoid some of my close friend’s calls too because I don’t have anything new or interesting to share about my life anymore. I know everyone around me who is asking these questions about my future might be asking it out of concern. But it has instilled a deep fear in me, fear of never crossing those milestones in my life. I am truly scared.

I don’t know what to do to get out of this situation in life. I desperately wish for my life to take a 180 degree change. I want the society to stop asking me these questions. I want to be in control of my life again. I want to feel settled.

Given-Taken

“When two givers indulge in a connection, it’s like magic. It’s alchemy. I water you, you water me, we never drain each other, we just grow.”

-Anonymous

Day 8/30

Life would have been so much better had the world be filled with givers. However, that’s not the case in our world. Most people are takers and that’s the main point of contention in many relationships. There are many people who want everyone’s attention, they want to be the center of the Universe, they want people to care for them, guide them, notice them, help them and in return they’ll still complain that the other person is not doing enough. Can you notice the dynamics of a classic giver-taker relationship here?

Givers are self sufficient, they can handle their emotions and needs well on their own. They have expectations from takers too. But the takers are so immersed in their own life that givers learn to take care of themselves. However, takers end up being extremely dependent on givers for all of their emotional needs. The worst part is that no matter how much the giver gives, takers are never satisfied. They’ll always find faults and shortcomings in the taker’s efforts to keep them happy.

The takers are borderline selfish (some don’t even realize it), yet givers do their best to keep them happy. But it comes at a cost. Initially, givers do everything out of love and care for takers. But there comes a tipping point in every relationship (sooner or later) when the givers realize the importance of their own expectations and happiness too. And once the tipping point is breached, givers stop caring about the takers. From this point onwards, givers only try to discharge their responsibility without feeling any love or care for the takers.

If you are a giver in any relationship, make the other person understand your expectations and put yourself first. Only when your cup is full that you can help others. Do everything to make sure that your cup is overflowing with love and care for others so that you don’t burn out doing things for others without getting anything in return.

If you are a taker in any relationship, be conscious of your actions and make time to understand your givers expectations as well. A relationship succeeds only when both parties are happy and fulfilled.

The relationship in question can be anything, husband-wife, siblings, parent-children. Take efforts for people around you and they’ll always remember (sometimes give back) the gesture. Spread happiness and kindness around.

Make it right

“I just wanna be happier”

-Lyrics from song “Blue & Grey”, Album “BE’ by BTS

I had a 2 weeks mandatory leave from office (to be taken once a year as per company policy) which ends today. Since I value time off from my office way too much, I tried to live every moment of these 2 weeks. I travelled to Bangalore with my mom to my younger sister’s place as she works there, to spend time with her. We planned a short trip to Mysore and enjoyed it to bits. We also had a grand reunion with all of my maternal cousins and had a house party. More than the party, I just enjoyed the presence of every single member of my extended family whom I met after 2 years and loved spending time with them. When I was younger, we used to visit my maternal ancestral home in Mangalore once a year during summer vacations. Although we never had a full house with all of my cousins during most of these trips, we always had a blast whenever we met. This time too, we cherished all the old childhood memories and just loved the fact that everyone was present in the same room, at the same time after almost 2 years!

In the last 3 days of the vacation, my youngest cousin joined us at my sister’s apartment and we had fun like it was no one’s business. She shares similar personality traits with me and my sister which makes it a blissful experience whenever we spend time with each other. We talked till the middle of the night, shopped till we dropped (well my sister did, she doesn’t particularly enjoy shopping at local stores, ate a lot of JUNK food, laughed our hearts out and had a really GOOD time. I had planned to continue all my good habits such as reading books, meditation, workout, write in my journal on this vacation. I did it the first 3 days and didn’t feel the need to do any of it to be “HAPPY” the rest of the days. I genuinely enjoyed myself on this vacation and was stress free the entire time. I never skip any of these good habits back home because I REALLY need them to keep me SANE and HAPPY. These good habits are my escape from the monotony and stress of my life and that’s the reason I didn’t reach out to them to make me happy on my vacation.

I came back home after having a mind blowing vacation and still had 5 days to go for my leave to end. The next 5 days were spent lazying around, cleaning (tried cleaning my wardrobe and closet partially using the Marie Kondo method), EATING and enjoying every single second of free time that I had earned after living a year full of routine (Wake up > Office > Home > Repeat). It honestly felt amazing to not stress over waking up early, having a specific train to board, reaching office at a specific time, making a to-do list, waiting for lunch time to get out of the office and chill for sometime with my office bestie, get back to work, wait for the day to end, pray that I get a empty seat in the train, reach home starved and fatigued, have dinner while watching random videos on YouTube, finally go to sleep feeling unsettled and unproductive.

By the end of the day, the voices in my head keep questioning me about my life decisions,

• Where am I heading?
• Why can’t I do better?
• What do I really want?
• Why do I dread going to office?
• Why do I hate my career path at the moment?
• Why does office feel like a professional prison?
• Why did I feel like a free bird (like a prisoner on parole) during my vacation?
• When will I stop feeling like this?

I try to reason with my mind, find answers to these questions by self introspection without respite and eventually fall asleep. I wake up to a new day feeling optimistic but end up feeling the same way after repeating my monotonous routine.

I’m sure people reading this might find my dilemma trivial. Just find a new job, take a break, quit your job, follow your passion, think deeply about what you like, so on and so forth. I really admire people who LOVE their career. That’s what I am aiming for. Finding a career that doesn’t make you feel like running away from it during weekends and vacations is what I seek. I may seem delusional at the moment but I sincerely hope to find it soon. In the absence of this discovery, I might lead a robotic life, devoid of any emotions, passion and excitement in life and regret how I spent my time on earth by the end of it.

For all those who enjoy your work, I admire you and hope to be like you.

For the ones who feel the same way as me, hang in there. It’ll all make sense soon, just don’t stop trying. Fight hard!

A brand new work week awaits for me. Please send me all the positive energy in this Universe, I really need it tomorrow!