It’s getting scary

“Fears are nothing more than a state of mind.”

–Napoleon Hill

Day 24/30

The covid-19 situation in India is getting scarier by the day. People are struggling to get beds in hospitals, medicines aren’t easily available, test results are taking longer than 2 days, the health care system has broken down, the number of active cases has reached it’s peak, the number of daily cases have crossed all time high. In short, the situation is murky and it’s getting worse by the day.

I don’t want to play the blame game here and try to find out what went wrong. It’s not one single person’s fault. Right now, the situation is so bad that we don’t know how long it’ll take for this dark phase to end. In the last week alone, I must have heard a new case in my contacts (friends and extended family) for every single day of the week. Covid has hit way too close to our home and we are scrambling for safety.

My aunt had been hospitalized because of covid about 12 days back. Initially we were told that she had a mild infection and was stable. As days passed by, her condition started deteriorating. Yesterday, my cousin messaged me saying that she is critical. A shiver ran down my spine, I did not expect this. Most of the cases that I’ve heard till now had a positive recovery rate. I was hoping that it would be the same with my aunt. I took life and the current scenario for granted. I was sure that it would be a mild infection and she’ll be back home soon. Yesterday’s news broke me completely. I am scared. Hoping against hope that she’ll be back hale and hearty soon.

Please don’t take anything in life for granted. We need to be grateful for everything that we have in life. Our time on this planet is limited and very precious. Respond to that message, take that call, listen to those stories, forgive and forget, move past those grudges, don’t let anger and ego ruin any relationship, make time for your loved ones.

Praying that the situation gets better, praying that my aunt gets better.

Please take care of yourself and your loved ones. Eat healthy food, workout, take care of your mental health, wear a mask, stay safe. We are not bigger than this virus.

Good old days

“The end of labor is to gain leisure.”

-Aristotle

About 3 years back, I bought a book called “Word Power Made Easy” with the intention of improving my vocabulary in English language. It was a thick bright red book loaded with information that I desperately wanted to read. Everyday, I came back home tired from work and the moment I lay my eyes on the book, my mind convinced me to push the task to next day. The weekends were spent meeting friends, going out or doing absolutely nothing on most days as I was worn out during the weekday. One fine day, I thought to myself, “Enough is enough!I I’ll carry this book with me to work and read it whenever I find time!”. That’s how the book found it’s space in my office bag. I diligently carried it to work with the intention of reading it during the office commute. But that day never came. The only progress I made with the book were a few pages in the beginning. Other than that it ended up increasing the weight of my office bag. I had to remove it from my bag eventually and place it back on my bookshelf, where it lay gathering dust on it’s cover.

Last year as soon as the lock down was announced and I started working from home, I decided to do something everyday that wouldn’t have been possible due to the usual office routine. That’s when I was reunited with this book. I did one session everyday throughout the lock down. It gave me immense pleasure to learn about the origins of each word in the English language as read the book each day with the curiosity of a child. I stopped the practice as soon as I was called back to work. I could have still continued it, as it barely took 30 mins of my daily time but I discontinued it as now my mind was filled with anxiety about office work, commute, future and every other thing under the sun.

Yesterday, I saw the book again and couldn’t help but feel nostalgic about the endless free time I had during the lock down. I ended up doing a session even after the hectic day at work. During the lock down, I didn’t have to wake up early just because I had a train to board to office, I had my breakfast in peace rather than quickly gulping a glass of milk before I rushed out of my home as I was running late for work, I didn’t have to worry about not getting a seat in the train, I could take mini breaks from work whenever I wanted and could watch shows or read a book just to break the monotony. Aah, I could go on. I felt like a free bird during away from office during the lock down. Now I feel trapped by the force of routine life that I’m required to follow each day! Isn’t our career supposed to give us an identity, make us financially independent and make us happy? I have achieved the first two milestones long back but I’m yet to find a way to make my career a source of my happiness!

Ironical situation

#90/100

“Nothing is better than having a great friend to work with, so you can vent to each other to make the day go faster.”

-Anonymous

I am a shy and introverted person by nature. I have tried and engaged myself in limited social interactions throughout my life. I have a close knit group of friends who know me best and put up with my absence or lack of prompt replies. I am really grateful to them though it can get really annoying at times. I’m trying to be better at keeping in touch with my loved ones.

However, when it comes to my workplace, social isolation is my biggest fear. I start out slow as always, but end up making some great connections at work who teach me new things, motivate me to do better, make me laugh and in general help keep my happiness at a soaring high level at my workplace. I don’t have a team in my current organisation which means I had absolutely no one to talk when I started working at this place. The first 3 months were painfully slow and boring. I wouldn’t lie if I said that I used to count every single minute till the end of each and every day in office. Slowly I made few friends at office who made me lose track of time which was all I wanted at that time!

When I rejoined office after the lock down this year in June, I was worried because my closest office colleague hadn’t joined back. But I still had the colleagues who sat around my office bay area to keep me company. My colleague who sits across my desk has been a constant support throughout my running journey. He kept motivating me to sign up for a half marathon with him and it’s safe to give him all the credit for my first successful half marathon attempt this year.

Yesterday, I came to know that the entire bay across me have shifted their desks to a new location. To term this event heartbreaking is an understatement. I’ve been left all alone at my desk again. Life at this workplace has come a full circle for me as the situation has reverted exactly back to my initial period at this place. I have no one but my work to keep me company now. I know that I can visit them at their new location, but the situation is different than sharing the same office bay and having them around throughout the day.

This looks like the biggest sign from the Universe nudging me to make genuine efforts in finding a new job. I will try my best to overcome my anxiety related to situational changes and the accompanying procrastination so that I can find a job that makes me feel fulfilled and happy. It’s time to move on!

Can be better

#87/100

“I hope you do not let anyone else’s expectations direct the course of your life.” 

– Julianne Donaldson

In my previous organization, we were given a lot of work and there was never a moment to spare. The attrition rate was very high which practically forced us to be on our toes, learn different skills and grasp new work in a short period of time. The first few months were a blur, I never understood what I did at work. Slowly things made sense and by the time I left the organization, I was solving issues that I always admired my seniors for doing. In one of my review meetings, I was praised by the senior management for my quality of work which was better than was expected. The expectation there was basic, do the work allotted to you accurately and avoid making errors. Any work done beyond this expectation was applauded like handling a team well or completing work well within the deadline even with a low staff count.

Things changed (for the worse) when I joined my current organization. Firstly, I am part of the cost function here (I don’t make money for the organization) in a team filled with sales professionals and traders, hence looked down upon. No one says that directly but one can sense it from other people’s behavior or the general work environment. Secondly, I don’t get any feedback on my work from the only person whose opinion matters, my boss! I started with zero expectations (visibly excited to learn new things from scratch) which fizzled out in a month when the person who taught me work left the organization. I realized that I am on my own from now onwards without anyone in my team. I tried understanding my boss’s expectations but he was always vague in his communication. My boss who is 30 years my senior, has a very old school mentality of learning at work. Instead of giving more work, he expects me to ask him if he has any work. He wishes that I interact with every one in my vicinity and learn about their job. That’s how he wants me to learn everything about everything.

I tried doing it in the beginning. I probably didn’t give my best attempt as this way of learning was against my personality. I am a shy and introverted person, it takes immense mental strength for me to ask someone a normal query. I keep thinking that I’m disturbing the person or might not get a satisfactory response. This is not a new thing, I’ve never asked any queries to my teachers from school to college, I always tried finding my own answers. But this was the prime expectation from my boss and I had no clue how to live up to it. I kept shrugging it to off to a point that every single unsatisfactory response from my boss makes me feel that he HATES me! It’s really nerve wracking to end each work day on an unsettled note truly believing that I’ve disappointed my boss. He doesn’t say anything to me on my face but gives sarcastic replies at times proving my suspicion right.

I know I’m not going to be around working for this person all my life. This phase is temporary. It’s just that every single day at work becomes a burden when you feel unwelcome and somewhat hated. Oh yes, he has never really appreciated any of my work till now, it’s been around 2.5 years that I’ve joined this workplace. He compares people’s achievements to his own and feels that the present generation doesn’t work hard enough. You guessed it right, he is a ‘baby boomer’. His work ethic and knowledge is admirable, he earned it all on his own. When you have done so much in life, it becomes difficult to appreciate anything that’s less than yours. That’s where empathy comes into place. You lived a different life, it’s unfair to have unnecessarily high expectations from the present generation and mock them for not doing better. Everyone is doing the best they can.

This is one of the main reasons on having terrible Monday blues and dreading the end of each vacation. I don’t wish to go back to being burdened under the painfully heavy weight of my boss’s expectations. The only way out is to do my best and enjoy what I do. My sanity and happiness is always a priority and anything that goes against it doesn’t have a place in my life.

Existential crisis

#86/100

“I don’t know if what I’m going to say will hurt or help, but screw it. Do you know what’s really happening right now? You’re learning what it is like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So… we’re all a little bit sad.”

-Eleanor Shellstrop from The Good Place

I’m watching an absolutely mind boggling American TV series these days called “The Good Place”. The show is witty, quirky, funny and the theme also involves a fantasy element which is a big win-win situation for me. What I love most about the show is the underlying philosophical interpretation of every human’s life in general. I’m drawn to philosophy and finding out the greater meaning of life, any person, show or thing that connects me over and above the basic knowledge of our existence has all my attention.

In one of the episodes of this show (I don’t want to give out any spoilers, watch it, you’ll be mind blown!), they discuss the concept of existential crisis, in a witty and funny manner of course. The show has an immortal being who doesn’t have a conscience. The concept of having regrets or guilt doesn’t apply to this being as they live on forever. They don’t have to deal with these feelings at the present moment as it disappears with time which they have in abundance.

Humans on the other hand have a fixed shelf life. Our biggest fear is the fear of non-existence. I always felt that I feared many things above death, but that’s not true. When I say I fear public speaking, I am scared to make a fool of myself and end up in an embarrassing situation. This will cause me to lose face in front of others and become non-existent in a manner that I won’t be acknowledged, respected or considered unworthy of attention. We constantly feel pangs of sadness, guilt and episodes of depression all through our life as we believe that we aren’t making the fixed time of our existence on this planet, worthwhile. At the end of each day I feel upset for not having a remarkable day, wasting my time is considered the biggest sin by my mind, I constantly fear the future, I feel like I would eventually die without living an extraordinary life.

The fear of non-existence can make us do crazy stuff at times. But it’s high time that we slow down a bit and pause to pay attention to the present. There’s no yard scale to measure an extraordinary life. You don’t have to do everything that’s considered cool or awesome by others to feel cool or awesome yourself. As long as you do every single thing that makes you happy, you are doing a great job! It’s time I lift the heavy burden of this self imposed deadline on my life and cut myself a little slack. I don’t wish to feel sad every Sunday evening for not having spent the weekend productively, upset before any big event for not having prepared well or empty at the end of my birthday for having to wait another year to feel special. I don’t know if we can truly be unbothered by fear of the unknown or regrets of our past, I will try to divert my attention to the present at every single opportunity I get. That’s what I learn in my meditation exercise every day.

Distractions are everywhere. Notice what takes your attention, acknowledge it, and then let it go.

-Headspace

I can and I will

#67/100

“Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.”

-Jim Rohn

It’s so easy to give up when the situations start getting a little tough. I keep getting frustrated, confused, blame myself for everything and can’t seem to find a way out. Losing hope and ending the battle seems like the only logical conclusion. I feel drained of my energy and nothing helps in reverting my personality back to my positive self.

But there’s a small, almost muffled voice inside my head says “Don’t give up, you are doing well!” I don’t know if that’s my subconscious mind or just my heart who only wants the best for me. I just don’t give up.

I’ve decided to channel my inner “Wonder Woman” to discharge my responsibilities well.

I know it’s easier said than done. More often than not, our mind starts behaving like the biggest antagonist of our life and doesn’t allow us to work efficiently. The strategy that I have decided is to prepare a daily schedule and work on all tasks without thinking twice about it. When we think about something, it leads to a continued phase of vicious overthinking. I don’t wish to fall in that trap again and get work done as much as possible.

My manner to combat overthinking and negative thoughts is to prepare a list and act on it immediately. Hopefully next time, I have a story of hope and positivity.

HaPpY despite the odds

#66/100

“Life is a journey, and if you fall in love with the journey, you will be in love forever.” 

–Peter Hagerty

Do you know why we feel so nostalgic about our childhood memories? Why do we always feel that we were happier as kids? “Adulting” is mostly associated with stress, anger and frustration. Then comes the quarter life, mid-life crisis situations. Why is everything a crisis once we grow up? Firstly, once we grow up, other people start having expectations from us to do certain things and behave in a certain manner. Secondly, as kids, the one thing we enjoyed the most was the freedom to do what we wanted. As a child we didn’t realize it. Most of the kids don’t particularly enjoy studying and they feel forced to do it. Yet, as kids, our desires were basic and we found time to fulfil all of them. Once we grow up and have to take care of personal and professional responsibilities that take up most of our time. Happiness is all about doing what is in sync with our mind and heart. When we don’t do such things for whatever reasons, depression slowly crawls it’s way to our lives.

For the last couple of days, I’ve been meaning to wake up early, be organized with my work, complete everything before time and strike off items from my to-do list. Yet, I’ve been experiencing insane bouts of laziness ever since I’ve been with additional responsibilities at home after my mother fractured her arm. Every day in the morning all I wish to do is continue sleeping to avoid experiencing another day filled with activities that I don’t particularly enjoy. What should I rather be doing in such situations to keep my cool and be happy?

As I’ve said few times before, I’ve been experiencing indescribable happiness from small little things/events that take place in our daily life. As I’m feeling overwhelmed with work at the moment, the only thing I wish to do is sleep a little while longer to avoid facing a new day. At the end of the day, I feel content to have completed other responsibilities on time. Yet, I experience a big void as I was too lazy to indulge in activities that truly light up my soul.

Doing things that make your inner soul happy is a foolproof way of being consistently happy despite the odds. That’s exactly what I’m procrastinating now and am unable to experience happiness at the end of the day.

Please make time for activities that truly make you happy. These things should be part of your daily life and can be as basic as listening to your favorite song. This might give you the much needed happiness boost to make each day worthwhile.

A long wait

#32/100

Did you ever have to wait for something to end for a long time? Like the initial few months at a new place where you know no one, being that introverted guest at a party just because you were called by a close friend, a fracture cast, a toxic workplace, association with a demanding boss or something else on similar lines. You really dislike being in that zone, experiencing those painful emotions yet you have to wait for a certain period of time till it ends.

Yet somehow when it ends, you aren’t as happy as you thought you’ll be. After going through a difficult time for such a long time, wishing for it to end as soon as possible, you still have a weird feeling, could be disguised as sadness, when the end time is near. There was a concept shown in the show “How I met your mother” where one of the main leads wants to quit his job because he hates it. He hates every element of the job, the paperwork, his colleagues, bad coffee at the cafeteria, every single thing. But when he musters enough courage to quit the job, his last few days aren’t as happy as he thought it would be. Instead, he started liking all those elements that he hated before. That’s when his friend Robin tells him that he’s got the “Graduation Goggles”

Graduation goggles is the nostalgic feeling one has about a time or someone in their life when it is about to end, even if the time was completely miserable.

-Robin from “How I met your mother”

I’ve had braces for almost 3 years now. There has not been a single day in my life when I wanted them off me. They can be really frustrating and painful at times. I’ve been patiently waiting for my dentist to tell me that it’s finally time to remove them. The gaps in my teeth have filled up and they look in excellent shape now. Few days back when I realized that it might finally be the time I bid adieu to my braces, I somehow sensed a weird feeling. The feeling of nostalgia, FOR MY BRACES! I’ve had it for 3 painful years and have always wanted them to go off. How could I even remotely miss having my braces around? Looks like I’m experiencing Graduation Goggles too. I went to visit my orthodontist today and she told me there’s still few months to go for the braces to be removed. I somehow was frustrated as well as relieved. Since braces treatment involves a long duration of time, I had envisioned few goals to be completed by the time my braces are removed. Now that the time has arrived and my goals are incomplete, I sensed a sigh of relief when my orthodontist told me I still have some time left. Maybe I could complete those goals and happily celebrate the removal of my braces a few months down the line. Because no one can ever deny the fact that having braces can be the most nerve wracking experience of any human’s life!!!

There’s always a way out

“When someone points a gun at your face, “you take the gun, or you pull out a bigger one. Or, you call their bluff. Or, you do any one of a hundred and forty six other things.”

-Harvey Specter

#27/100

I watched the show “Suits” recently and was hooked till the last season. When Harvey Specter, one of the main characters in the show, suavely uses the above dialogue, the only thought I had in mind was, “Yeah, good for you, you are a fictional character, your writer will always have a way out for you!” I firmly believed that it’s diametrically different in reality. If you have a gun pointed to your head in real life, YOU DIE!

However, after experiencing a bit of life, I have come to realize that this might not be the case always. There have been many instances in my life where I felt like I had my back against the wall. However, with time, not only was I able to get out of the situation, it didn’t really seem as hazardous as I imagined it to be. Over time I was able to completely erase these kind of perilous situations from my memories that once gave me anxiety and panic attacks.

The basic instinct of every human being is to survive, non-existence is our biggest fear. Whenever we face a situation that is beyond our control, our brain immediately sends out fear signals to avoid it completely. But if we get past the initial inertia, we can come out with some way out for every situation. I’m not talking about a situation where you have a gun pointed to your head, I wouldn’t know what to do either. I am talking about the smaller, more relatable situations.

Like, you have been given a project to complete at work and haven’t been finding time to pursue your other interests. Eventually you give up on the hobbies that truly gave you happiness and push yourself to the brink of constant sadness. As you can see, the initial few days of handling any kind of change in your life is overwhelming, post that once you are used to a routine, you can always squeeze time out for your interests.

If you love sports, you can find time for it during your off days if not every day, if you wanted to hit the gym each day, you can resort to home exercises, if you want to learn a new skill, you can download an app or find a buddy with similar interest, you can always find an easier way to fulfil your interests. It’s very easy to blame your external situations for all your inadequacies, but if you look closely, you have the solution to all your problems deep within your mind. You just have to pay attention.

Initially, when I was asked to travel to office which involved a commute of 8 hrs per day, I was very upset to skip my workouts for those days. I really enjoy working out, it keeps me sane and gives me an endorphin rush that can’t be put to words. Today, after giving up on my workouts for several office-commute days, I managed to squeeze in a 10 min skipping session in the morning. It was a small session but made me feel more productive than my usual long routines. It’s because I did something that I believed was practically impossible. The adrenaline rush after completing such tasks is inexpressible.

Do you have any such thing in mind which you have been missing out on? Try making time for it tomorrow and realize the true potential of the human mind.

Thank You!

Thank you, undoubtedly the most underrated phrase on this planet. No, I’m not talking about being thankful towards other people in your life (that’s a separate matter of discussion anyways!), but being thankful towards your own life!

So we get up every morning, travel to work, crib about the insane traffic on the streets or crowd in the public transport, crib about being at work, cry about the extra work hours, go back home, while away our time on the internet and sleep. This accounts for 60/70% of an average human’s life. While studying they can’t wait to work, while working they can’t wait to relax, while on vacation they dread the end of vacation and during retirement, they don’t know how they’ve spent their life.

We as humans have the tendency to take everything in our life for granted. Be it the food that we eat, the house we live in, the clothes we wear, the people we interact with, or a thing as simple as the air that we breathe. We keep waiting for something amazing to take place in our life, to earn more money, a better job, a better house, basically we keep sending happiness on a chase for a “better” something. Why do we end up making happiness a journey always? Since we’ve sent “our” happiness on a chase, we struggle to keep up with the journey and get depressed, anxious, sad and upset when the path seems too long. What we don’t realize is that we can convert this journey into an interesting ride and enjoy every millisecond of it!

When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was to grow up and earn money so that our family could have a better life. As an adult who has achieved most of her childhood dreams, I still feel that my life is unfulfilled because I’ve replaced my childhood goals with a new set of goals and sent my happiness on a chase again. Getting my house renovated has always been one of my biggest and most prominent dream as a child. As I’m typing this, my house is being renovated and instead of feeling accomplished, I’m still waiting for a miracle to dramatically transform my life! Do I need to find any newer or better ways to complicate my happiness, hell no!

I’m glad I’ve had this realisation finally! Happiness, in fact, is a very simple process.

• Live in the present moment:- The best way to do this is inculcating the practice of journaling your daily life. Treat every day as the D-day rather than as a  run-up to the main event. After all, each day is precious, you’d never know if you’d live to see another day. So stop stalling all the pending items on your bucket list, treat life as a grand celebration and thoroughly enjoy each day of your life. And journaling it will help you reminisce.
• Practice gratitude:- This is most important. If we keep finding things to crib about, we’ll keep sending our happiness on a life long chase. Recollecting and writing down things you are grateful about will help instill a sense of achievement, fulfillment and most importantly happiness in you. Instead of cribbing about everything in life, we can just be grateful for the small little things that build the grandeur of our life.
• Be the “best” you:- Since it’s very evident from the first point that we need to pull ourselves out from the regretful past and uncertain future, we shouldn’t delay our goals, wait for a certain something to take place or a future period to achieve whatever we have set our heart to do. The best time is always “NOW“. So strive to be the best version of you every day, make each day count and crush all your goals in the present. Bring a full stop to your never-ending “waiting period”.

Sounds simple ain’t it? Wonder if it actually works? Well, no other way to find out than actually putting it to action! Let’s not complicate happiness anymore!