Becoming receptive

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

–Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I had read “The Secret” long back in 2008 after it was suggested to me by my class teacher. I read the book randomly without understanding a word in it. However, my sister was very intrigued by the book and spent days and weeks on the internet to find out all the related concepts discussed in the book. It was the first time in my life that I came across the concept of “Law of Attraction” and absolutely rubbished the claim. The book literally said that “Treat the Universe like a genie, ask your wishes, truly believe that you will receive it, act has if you have already received it and voila, your wishes will come true!” How was I supposed to believe in something as vague as that? Also my life was pretty uncomplicated during those days, I was always full of hope and positivity and truly believed that I had control over my life and future.

As I grew up and started experiencing failures and setbacks in life, I realized that life wasn’t as straight forward as I thought. We don’t get everything we dream of, things don’t always work out in our favor, sometimes we get rejections even after trying our best and many a times we keep waiting for better days to come. I turned to “The Secret” again during my C.A. final exam days in the year 2012, when I was in stress 24*7 and it helped me immensely during that time. It helped restore my faith and hope in the Universe, it made me forget about my negative feelings and focus on the bright side of every situation.

It’s been more than 9 years to the last time I believed in the power of “The Law of Attraction“. I let life take control of my destiny and stopped believing that I too have the power to rewrite my future. I know it might sound way too nonsensical to many of you at the moment but the only reason I am trying to get back to believing in the power of the Universe is because it had helped me immensely in the past.

Lately I have noticed few instances in my life where I got a glimpse of few things I have desired since long, only to be taken back from me. This applies to my job search and a fitness watch that has been on my wish list since forever. It felt like my prayers were answered finally by handing me these desires only to be snatched away from me at the last moment. As soon as I realize that there’s even a slightest chance for my life to change, I start overthinking all of my life’s decisions and start questioning if I really need those things in my life. I have never felt this confused ever in my life before. My thoughts aren’t clear, I don’t know what I truly want and any change in my life is only triggering a sense of fear instead of excitement or wonder. This should certainly not be the case.

While researching about this phenomena, I stumbled upon an amazing article by Rose Stein (https://thoughtcatalog.com/rose-stein/2016/04/this-is-how-you-should-open-yourself-up-to-the-universe/). Do give it a read, it is precise and just what a confused soul is seeking. For people who feel confused and stuck in life, she has suggested 5 guiding ideals that’ll help clear our thought process and make us receptive to the Universe and it’s infinite possibilities.

• Trust
• Openness
• Gratitude
• Acceptance
• Intention

I really wish to get more clarity in my life and this article gives me hope. I have decided to delve deep into the practice of gratitude journaling, setting a powerful intention, deeply believing in the power of the Universe, opening myself up to the abundance and most importantly accepting my current situation instead of running away from it.

I choose to be receptive and will work hard to clear the unnecessary blocks in my mind.

Let go

“Things are as they are—we suffer because we imagined different.”

– Rachel Wolchin

Day 12/30

Certain things in life are just not meant to be. We try our best, fall down, get back up, try again, fall back again, get back up YET AGAIN and this cycle continues. We never lose hope but never get closer to our dreams either. We stumble and fall so many times that the dream seems too far fetched now. We still hope that things will miraculously change for the better and life will turnaround. But it doesn’t happen YET AGAIN. Things don’t change, we are still hurting yet we still try not to lose hope. That’s what is taught to us right? Try, try, try again. But what if we tried for the 1000th time and failed, yet again? Do we continue trying?

No, absolutely NOT. We let go, GRACIOUSLY. We did our best, prayed, wished, worked hard, begged at times, cried, but it still didn’t happen. Boy, we need to understand Universe’s signals by now. Some things in life is just not meant to be.

Let go, move on, focus on things that are under your control. Focus on yourself, focus on your happiness. Be at peace with yourself, with or without such things.

You’ve tried really hard, it’s time to let go. It’s time to forgive ourselves and forget about such things. It shouldn’t be this hard. It’s not meant to be.

Be in charge of your happiness. You can do better, you are better and bigger than this.

Consistency > Motivation

“Success isn’t always about greatness. It’s about consistency. Consistent hard work leads to success. Greatness will come.”

-Dwayne Johnson

Day 7/30

As I was binge eating chocolate today, watching videos of amazing fitness influencers smashing their workouts, I thought to myself begrudgingly, “It’ll take me years to reach their level!”. It’s funny how I decided that I might be able to do it, without trying my hand at it. I have been working out for close to 2.5 years now, the intensity and passion in my effort has worn off sharply since the first 3 months of my fitness journey. The first 3 months were intense and I was extremely motivated to lose weight. That was my sole purpose in life during those 3 months. Ever since I lost weight, I have given myself the leeway to give up fairly easily, have no restrictions in my diet, skip my workouts, be indisciplined at times with the only excuse of, “I deserve it this time, I’ll get back on track tomorrow.” And that tomorrow never comes.

It’s easier to be consistent than wait for our motivation to support us in our goals. The journey towards achieving our goals is set on a long, winding and difficult path. If we wait for our motivation to help us scale this journey, we might have to take frequent breaks and delay the journey by a couple of years. However, being consistent and working on our goals everyday, in the best way possible, shows definite results over time. The wait is excruciatingly painful but can be borne by frequently rewarding ourselves on achieving our daily tasks.

Also the best way to be consistent is to make a habit out of it. Force yourself to stick to a schedule for at least a month or till the time it feels weird when you skip it. Once this is achieved, being consistent is comparatively easy. There are many ups and downs in every human’s life. As I was talking to someone close to me today (the most talented person I know), I understood how negative thoughts can absolutely DESTROY a human being. I know she is capable of GREAT things in life however her mind has total control over her actions. Her negative self talk flares up, especially during important events in her life and clouds her judgement. She ends up losing a lot of great opportunities to take her life to the next level and witnessing this physically hurts me. I realized from her experience that I do not wish to give the negative thought process in my mind any attention and DO WHAT’S BEST TO TAKE MY LIFE TO THE NEXT LEVEL, always! I want to be clear on what I want to do and be in life. Right now, I’m on the brink of losing everything to negativity. I wish to change it, FOREVER.

Is it possible,

• to never succumb to negativity?
• to have total control of our mind?
• to use our mind to our advantage, always?
• to make the best choices for success in life?
• to be in sync with the Universe?
• to ignite our motivation when we need it?

I don’t know the answers to these questions yet but I wish to learn them soon. I’ll start with self introspection and understanding my short and long term goals in life. Once I have these written down, I’ll devise a daily routine that helps me work on all of my goals, brick by brick, each day. The most important aspect is to be CONSISTENT at it, by hook or by crook.

Let’s do this!

It’s okay, you can do this

“Either you run the day or the day runs you.”

–Jim Rohn

For any anxious person, the first response to change is always fear and a desperate desire to run away from the situation. I call this the “I just want to go home” syndrome. I act like a fish out of water whenever I am forced to come out of my comfort zone. I gasp for air and flop around hopelessly till I’m put back into the water. In the real life scenario, I try my level best to become comfortable in the new situation as soon as possible. I realize much later that I was able to handle most of the new situations or any changes in my life. There was no real need for me to be anxious and panicky about it in the first place, especially to an extreme extent.

I’ve recently decided to try a new trick to calm myself down when I encounter any uncomfortable circumstances in life. As soon as I realize that I have to deal with a new situation in life, my mind works overtime and with 10x speed to blast out anxious and mostly doubtful thoughts. The overall environment created by these anxious thoughts turn negative if not dealt with at the right time, in the right manner. The source of most of my stress in life is related to career and office work. Yesterday when my boss told me about a new task that I didn’t have any knowledge about, my first response was of fear. Within a split second, my mind started spitting out a truck load of “What if?” questions.

• What if you don’t understand?
• What if it’s difficult and beyond your capacity?
• What if they figure out you can’t do this?
• What if they don’t find your effort worthwhile?
• What if?…What if?….What if?

The thoughts started to pile up as it was easily absorbed by my mind. Then, I decided to put my foot down and do something about it. I took action in the form of repeating a positive affirmation. I kept chanting, “IT’S OKAY, YOU CAN DO THIS!” till the pile of thoughts turned to dust. Surprisingly, it didn’t take a long time and I felt amazing after dealing with my thoughts monster, face to face or in this case, thought by thought.

I don’t know if I’ll able to use the same technique and make it work always. But I’m surely on the lookout for more such tactics now to deal with the enemies of my mind. Like we have various self defense techniques to tackle any unwelcome situation that could turn perilous, we need to develop an array of self defense techniques for our mind to counterattack the barrage of negative thoughts created by it.

It’s okay, you can do this!

Live now, think later

“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world — not even our troubles.“

–Charlie Chaplin

Finally I got around to write my first post in the new year. I tried drafting this post multiple times this week but owing to my daily office schedule, I wasn’t successful in completing it. It’s finally weekend and I have all the time in the world to publish my first post ofm2021. Is it just me or 2021 feels a lot more hopeful than the year that just went by? Things have started on a positive note and I feel quiet motivated to work towards my goals this year. I struggled with lot of anxiety during the last week of 2020. No matter how I thought about it, my future self seemed unfulfilled and unhappy. These thoughts weighed heavily on my present self and I couldn’t concentrate on the bright side of my life.

With the dawn of the new year, I am trying my level best to build a powerful routine and stick by it. I read an article by one of the members of my favorite band, my lifeline, BTS Kim Taehyung aka “V”. He talked about dealing with depression and his thoughts during this tough phase of his life. Although on the outset, it feels like he is living his dream life, he was still unhappy. He started disassociating himself from his persona, he didn’t derive fulfilment from work that was the source of his happiness before, he was confused as to why he felt this way when everything was going great. The way he got out of this mental turmoil was by jotting down his thoughts about it and he ended up writing and co-producing the song “Blue & Grey“. This gave him a great sense of accomplishment and helped him overcome his depressed thoughts to some extent.

Last week I decided to take the help of a therapist to gain clarity on my mental health issues. The first therapist I talked to told me I need medication to increase the level of serotonin in my brain (short cut much!). I don’t want any dependency on medicines to feel happy so thought of talking to another one. The second one was far more sensible and probably a better listener. She didn’t tell me anything “out of the box” yet I felt much better after the call. She gave me homework in the form of 2 lists, one list of all the things that are under my control in the present and second one of things that made me happy and think about ways to create a career out of it (learn new skills, research on the subject etc.) I’m yet to complete my homework but I still feel a lot better by each day after the call. I guess I just needed an intervention, someone to talk to, someone who listened to my thoughts without any judgement.

This week was crazy hectic! I went to office on all days yet managed to find time out to do things that make me truly happy, 5 mins meditation, 15 mins workout, writing in my journal and studying for my exams. My anxiety has been in check for this week. As BTS V mentioned he felt better after writing his song, it was a big accomplishment for him. This statement hit me hard, the best way to beat anxiety is to “take action” and accomplish a task, no matter how tiny it is. When we are anxious and depressed, we lose interest and confidence to do anything in life, be it old or new. Pushing ourselves to take action is the best way to beat the blues.

The most important goal that I’m forcing myself to stick to is to “take each day as it comes“. Concentrate completely on the day on hand, live each day in the best possible manner, document it, give it importance and focus only on that day. This takes our anxiety off the past or future and diverts the mind’s attention to the present moment. This is helping me as of now. I will share my goals for 2021 soon, looking forward to a happy 2021!

Being selfless towards the selfish

“Man is not, by nature, deserving of all that he wants. When we think that we are automatically entitled to something, that is when we start walking all over others to get it.

–Criss Jami

Joey once said in an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S., “There is no such thing as a selfless good deed“. But what about certain things/acts that doesn’t make you happy yet you are obliged to do so. Being selfless is one of the biggest virtues of humankind. To keep other’s wishes/happiness before your own can be difficult and extremely exhausting, especially when you don’t want to do it. What’s the way out in such situations? I have absolutely no clue as I am struggling to find it myself.

As a child, I am aware my responsibilities towards my parents. However, when most of your childhood memories consists of irresponsible behavior, disruptive daily life, lack of communication, unapproachable attitude, you tend to drift away from the source of this negativity. You do not want to associate yourself with such a person who has caused you a lot of pain and trauma while growing up. All you now seek is peace of mind and the right to be heard, be it your opinions or choices. However, some people can be extremely overbearing with their demands. They force their inabilities onto others without thinking of how it would make the other person feel. The other person might literally be having a mental breakdown but in order to do the task, they will be reminded about their moral obligations and that does the trick.

Since there is no way out, you discharge your moral responsibilities, time and again. But what’s in it for you? It doesn’t make you happy at all, on the other hand, it’s a constant source of stress and frustration for you. So that’s ruled out. You accumulate good karma and will be rewarded by the Universe in the near future. These things sound very hopeful but in the present moment, all you can think about is a way to end this misery.

So contradictory to Joey’s popular statement, selfless good deeds absolutely exist and it makes the doer feel horrible. I don’t wish for anything else, I only want peace and happiness in my life. Since there is no concrete solution to this issue and trying to put some sense to the source of this frustration is pointless, it is better to accept our fate and discharge our responsibilities with utmost sincerity. Resisting it, fighting it and avoiding it has been unsuccessful every single time. It’s time to leave our worries to the Universe and only concentrate on things that make us happy.

Am I doing it right?

#84/100

“He who reigns within himself and rules his passions, desires, and fears is more than a king.”

-John Milton

When I was a kid, I believed everything that people said. I never questioned anyone’s authority. I did everything as was told, I truly believed that I was doing the right thing. I wished to be obedient, I wished to follow the rules. This ranged from the basic ones such as ‘don’t go out in the dark’, ‘wash your hands before you eat food’ to the disturbing ones like “you need to lose weight” or “you should be settled before 30”. I don’t have any problems following the rules but I decided to break from this self imposed restriction when it started affecting my sanity.

I went through a whirlwind of emotions after I hit 29. I spent my entire 29th year, dreading the 30’s. According to the society, there are few unspoken, unwritten goals to be achieved before anyone turns 30. You should have a good education, stable job, get married and having a kid is a plus, in the same order. I don’t know who set these rules but they have been deep ingrained in my mind as long as I can remember. This made me feel like an absolute failure for not having achieved some of the ‘so called’ goals before I hit 30. I had an invisible deadline to get my life back on track or be termed as the ‘odd one’.

I dreaded my 30th birthday ever since I turned 29. Can you imagine all the precious time I lost dreading the inevitable? I eventually turned 30 (duh!) without getting the most important thing checked off the ‘society made checklists’ for turning 30, getting married! But I didn’t feel like a failure at all. Instead I felt great, in fact my 30th birthday was the most amazing birthday of my entire life. There are naysayers who try to make me and my family feel scared of the repercussions of not abiding by the ‘redundant rules of life’, but I don’t care. After having wasted an entire year, believing that I was an absolute failure, I don’t have a second to spare on such useless thoughts. Yes, they are useless thoughts!!! They only take unnecessary space in my mind and don’t help in achieving any of the goals or vision I’ve set for my life. Rather they make my life pitiful which I absolutely despise!

Throughout my 29th year, I felt like my time was running out. This compelled me to take few life changing decisions. I turned vegetarian (a wish I had kept for the unforeseeable future), got my house renovated (my childhood dream) and managed to break through a lot of mental barriers I set on myself. As I turned 30, I realized, there’s no right or wrong way to live your life. You set your own rules, you do what’s best for you! Thanks but no thanks society made obsolete rules, you have no space in my life, not anymore!

Keeping up with your word

#82/100

Image credit : Vectortoons (Source : https://vectortoons.com/products/a-very-afraid-girl-trying-to-hide-herself-from-danger)

I wasn’t going to write about this today but I’m unable to bring my mind to think about anything else right now. I really hope writing this post will help calm me down a bit. Last month, I had committed to my running group to attend a team relay run scheduled to take place next month. Last week, my running group mentor formed the teams and asked us to register for the event. After giving my name for the event, I also committed to attend a trip planned by my girl gang and it happens to fall on the same day as the run. This trip is my priority and I have to withdraw my name from the event. This was pure carelessness on my part. I should have informed my running group in advance before the team formation was done. Now I am in a soup and I’m freaking out!

I’m really scared. I don’t know how to get out of this situation. My running group members are few of the most inspiring people I know. The group mentor just removed a member from the group for irresponsible behavior. Going by her messages, it seems like this member informed last minute about his inability to attend the relay event. I’m going to have to do the exact same thing soon. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I really don’t know why I’m freaking out. I really look up to my running mentor and don’t wish to let her down.

This doesn’t really sound like a big dilemma but has somehow made me very stressed. I have to pull myself together and inform my running mentor about my withdrawal from the event. I really hope she doesn’t take it the wrong way. Gosh, this is hard! Probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long time.

I’ll have to do this tomorrow. I really hope this situation magically sorts out in a manner favorable to all. Till then, I’ll try not to overthink and hope for the best!

Boomers vs Millennials

#80/100

“OK Boomer!”

a viral internet slang phrase used, often in a humorous or ironic manner, to call out or dismiss out-of-touch or close-minded opinions associated with the Baby Boomer generation and older people more generally

-https://time.com/5782508/ok-boomer-meaning-slang-dictionary/

“Do you want to have a pastry?” asks my dad, a diabetic! “No, dad, sugar is bad for health. Besides, you are the one who shouldn’t be eating it!”. This advise falls on deaf ears as I find a box of pastries on the dining table in the evening. My dad is from of a generation where going to school was considered a luxury. He has had a hard life, I admit it. Yet, I cannot understand half of things he does or considers absolutely necessary to do.

I understand ‘baby boomers’ have lived way longer than us and have had richer life experiences. But there are certain things that millennials understand better and no amount of life experiences can supersede that. Baby boomers have absolute disregard towards the issues that millennials face in their day to day life. Yes I understand that our life may not be as hard as yours, but that doesn’t reduce the severity of our problems. Also, what’s with the deal with never admitting to their mistakes? They never apologize and have an excuse for everything they do, even if it’s visibly wrong.

In March this year, when our country had just started with the lockdown, everyone aged above 60 years were strictly asked to be inside the house. I tried reasoning with my father who wished to go on a morning walk, despite our fears and concerns about the situation. He eventually had his way because science is dumb and coronavirus is just a myth! My mother and I have a big generation gap too, yet she understands her kids and their situation so well, it astounds me. Why can’t my dad? Why can’t he at least try?

I had a very important office call to attend today so I locked the door of my room for the call. I don’t really have a room, I work in the living room of my house. In the middle of the call, I could hear someone frantically banging the door. Yes, you guessed it right! It was my father. I guess he had an important space mission to attend to which absolutely couldn’t wait any longer. I continued with the call and was in the middle of answering a query when I heard a loud voice asking me to open the door! He had his way, like always! “How can you have such a long call? What am I supposed to do inside? came his reply!

I was so disappointed by this entire incident. No, I didn’t worry much about the call. I always feel helpless when it comes to my father’s behavior. It would have been really nice to have a parent who at least empathizes with our life even if they don’t relate to it. Talking to him never has any outcome. I still tried. I told him how disappointed I was with his behavior. For once, I felt that he listened to me when he didn’t reply for a while. Is this for real? Did he actually understand my issue with his behavior?

“Do you want to have a pastry?” Turns out, he was thinking about his pastry the entire time!

Broken dreams

#30/100

Since I’m too tired to even think today, my today’s post is my first and only attempt at poetry. This poem was written by me about 4 years back after having my heart crushed into a million pieces (I can be dramatic too!). I can laugh about it now but those were some trying times. I must have written this poem with tears in my eyes. Writing this poem did help ease the pain a little bit. I’ve never got around to write another poem after this one.

Her mind goes into overdrive,

To control the heart that wanders astray,

The world that she has in her dreams is too beautiful to leave,

Back to reality, every thought, word and silence is painful,

A moment of happiness turns into lifetime of grief,

She wonders what she could have done better,

To earn this unattainable dream.

Her dreams are too sweet to let go, but mind rigid,

Can she only have this wish? Her heart pleaded,

Time to shake herself awake from this difficult illusion,

There are much better things to look forward to, screamed her mind,

By leaving the best? asked her heart.