Monthly recap : March 2021

This month went by in a breeze. I went on a vacation to Bangalore for 10 days this month and honestly had the time of my life. I wish there was a way to make my entire life as happy as I was on my vacation. It felt surreal really! I ate without any guilt, didn’t workout or meditate for most part of this trip, yet was super happy throughout. So my progress this month has been abysmal. I’m planning to make up for it in April. It’s also my birthday month. Though I have 0 excitement for my birthday, I plan to be as productive as I can this month. The motto for this month is “Small progress is still progress“. I will be consistently working on improving myself each and every day this month. One month makes a hell lot of difference. I realized that during my “Fitness Queen” practice session. Also, I am planning to blog everyday this month. I really can’t think of any other way to make this month special.

Mental health

• Meditated for 20/31 days. I was very disciplined right till the day I left for my vacation. I stopped everything for almost 10 days after that. It was difficult to get back on track after coming back from vacation. When I rejoined office I had to start my daily routine again to cope up with office stress.
• Journaled/documented my day for 10/31 days. I’ve been terrible at this. Maybe that’s why I have limited memories of how I spent this month and don’t feel productive at all.
• Practiced gratitude journaling for 10/31 days. As I said, progress has not been up to the mark.

Goals for April:- 20 min meditation everyday (maintain my streak on headspace app), practice journaling and gratitude journaling everyday. (Same as last month)

Personal Growth

This section is for a new skill or talent that I’ve acquired in this month, tried a new activity or thing that has pushed me out of my comfort zone.

• I went on a 10 day trip to Bangalore/Mysore. Although this isn’t a new skill or talent, I want to mention it as I came back a rejuvenated and changed person after this trip. My happiness grew multifold on this trip. I have been feeling unmotivated and lethargic ever since. I plan to change that in April.

Goal for April:- Cross 500 followers on my blog before my birthday on 13th April. Run 13 kms on 13th April.

Workouts

I had packed my running shoes and attire with the intention to run in Bangalore. Though I am disappointed that I couldn’t make it a reality, I did get some workouts done on my trip.

• 4 long runs in this month. Longest distance covered : 10 kms
• HIIT workouts twice a week during the weekdays (ranging from 20 to 30 mins). Managed to complete 3 workouts of 40-50 mins during my trip.

Goal for April:- Lose the vacation weight (3 kgs), skip 800 rounds at a stretch, 10 pushups in proper form

Education

• Zero progress with CFA level 1 curriculum. Took an extended break as my exams have been deferred to July 2021
• Zero online courses completed in March

Goal for April:- Complete first reading of pending 2 subjects of CFA and 2 online courses (at least 1 Korean language course)

Entertainment

• Completed reading 2 books Start with Why by Simon Sinek and The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks 
• Completed 1 movie The Cat returns (English dubbed) 

Goal for April:- Read 4 books, watch 4 movies, 1 K-drama and 1 documentary

April, let’s get it!

Make it right

“I just wanna be happier”

-Lyrics from song “Blue & Grey”, Album “BE’ by BTS

I had a 2 weeks mandatory leave from office (to be taken once a year as per company policy) which ends today. Since I value time off from my office way too much, I tried to live every moment of these 2 weeks. I travelled to Bangalore with my mom to my younger sister’s place as she works there, to spend time with her. We planned a short trip to Mysore and enjoyed it to bits. We also had a grand reunion with all of my maternal cousins and had a house party. More than the party, I just enjoyed the presence of every single member of my extended family whom I met after 2 years and loved spending time with them. When I was younger, we used to visit my maternal ancestral home in Mangalore once a year during summer vacations. Although we never had a full house with all of my cousins during most of these trips, we always had a blast whenever we met. This time too, we cherished all the old childhood memories and just loved the fact that everyone was present in the same room, at the same time after almost 2 years!

In the last 3 days of the vacation, my youngest cousin joined us at my sister’s apartment and we had fun like it was no one’s business. She shares similar personality traits with me and my sister which makes it a blissful experience whenever we spend time with each other. We talked till the middle of the night, shopped till we dropped (well my sister did, she doesn’t particularly enjoy shopping at local stores, ate a lot of JUNK food, laughed our hearts out and had a really GOOD time. I had planned to continue all my good habits such as reading books, meditation, workout, write in my journal on this vacation. I did it the first 3 days and didn’t feel the need to do any of it to be “HAPPY” the rest of the days. I genuinely enjoyed myself on this vacation and was stress free the entire time. I never skip any of these good habits back home because I REALLY need them to keep me SANE and HAPPY. These good habits are my escape from the monotony and stress of my life and that’s the reason I didn’t reach out to them to make me happy on my vacation.

I came back home after having a mind blowing vacation and still had 5 days to go for my leave to end. The next 5 days were spent lazying around, cleaning (tried cleaning my wardrobe and closet partially using the Marie Kondo method), EATING and enjoying every single second of free time that I had earned after living a year full of routine (Wake up > Office > Home > Repeat). It honestly felt amazing to not stress over waking up early, having a specific train to board, reaching office at a specific time, making a to-do list, waiting for lunch time to get out of the office and chill for sometime with my office bestie, get back to work, wait for the day to end, pray that I get a empty seat in the train, reach home starved and fatigued, have dinner while watching random videos on YouTube, finally go to sleep feeling unsettled and unproductive.

By the end of the day, the voices in my head keep questioning me about my life decisions,

• Where am I heading?
• Why can’t I do better?
• What do I really want?
• Why do I dread going to office?
• Why do I hate my career path at the moment?
• Why does office feel like a professional prison?
• Why did I feel like a free bird (like a prisoner on parole) during my vacation?
• When will I stop feeling like this?

I try to reason with my mind, find answers to these questions by self introspection without respite and eventually fall asleep. I wake up to a new day feeling optimistic but end up feeling the same way after repeating my monotonous routine.

I’m sure people reading this might find my dilemma trivial. Just find a new job, take a break, quit your job, follow your passion, think deeply about what you like, so on and so forth. I really admire people who LOVE their career. That’s what I am aiming for. Finding a career that doesn’t make you feel like running away from it during weekends and vacations is what I seek. I may seem delusional at the moment but I sincerely hope to find it soon. In the absence of this discovery, I might lead a robotic life, devoid of any emotions, passion and excitement in life and regret how I spent my time on earth by the end of it.

For all those who enjoy your work, I admire you and hope to be like you.

For the ones who feel the same way as me, hang in there. It’ll all make sense soon, just don’t stop trying. Fight hard!

A brand new work week awaits for me. Please send me all the positive energy in this Universe, I really need it tomorrow!

Earned vacation

Almost everyone who knows me or the one’s who I have met recently are aware of the fact that I have an exam coming up in February (specifically February 21st, 2021). It’s Level 1 exam of the Chartered Financial Analyst program which was initially scheduled to take place in June 2020. The exam has been postponed twice already (from June to December 2020 and finally settling on February 2021). Ever since I have registered for this exam, my anxious mind tricks me into believing that I should be studying instead of doing anything leisurely -_-. After procrastinating on it for a dangerous amount of time, I finally got around to start study diligently as the exam date drew nearer. More than the exam, I’m excited about all the time I’ll have on hand after the exam ends which will be EARNED and totally GUILT FREE.

I’ve prepared a Netflix list of all the movies and shows I’ll drown myself in after the exams. I’ve made plans to meet my friends, go for a trip and every other thing that sounds remotely fun is automatically added to this list. This is what’s motivating me currently to study. I don’t know why I feel the need to earn my leisure time by working hard for it. Nothing can beat the bliss of stress free, guilt free, leisure time that we get post a stressful event, according to me.

Yesterday I got a mail from the CFA institute which essentially meant that there is a chance for the exam to be postponed, yet again! Instead of jumping with joy, my heart sank to the floor. I’m really looking forward to give the exam and start living a normal, “not having the stress of an impending exam loom over my mind 24*7” life! My mind is back to it’s anxious tricks and is forcing me to google “Is CFA Level 1 February 2021 exam postponed/cancelled?” every other minute knowing very well that the answer to this question can only be given by the CFA institute. The mail sent by CFA institute states that they will let us know the final decision by February 2nd. That’s almost 20 days away!

Since I have no other alternative anyways, I’m planning on continuing with my studies, possibly in a more serious and dedicated manner. I’m channeling all my energy to give my BEST EFFORT for this exam and pray that it takes place on 21st February. Heck, I’m even ready to make a manifestation circle for it, no matter how ridiculous it sounds!

Desperate times calls for desperate measures! 😀

Since I feel much better now after venting my anxious thoughts here, I’ll go back to studying and hope that the exam takes place as scheduled!

Rest it out

The best cure for the body is a quiet mind.

-Napoleon Bonaparte

#23/100

There are days when I’m unable to sleep at night because of the nagging feeling of being unproductive throughout the day. Then there are days like today where I’m completely fine with not moving out of my bed at all. Humans are conditioned by the society to be productive. Wherever you go, we are told to work hard and utilize our time well. But is that all we are supposed to do during our lifetime? After a hectic workweek, I prefer a quiet weekend without any chores to attend to. But as the weekend ends, I feel sad about not utilizing my time optimally. Can our mind be ever happy with what we do?

I had to travel almost 8 hrs a day for 2 days this week for my office commute. Although I had planned to complete few chores during the weekend, my body wouldn’t listen to my mind. All my body wanted to do was rest it out. My mind could have pushed my body to do something productive, I decided to listen to my body this time. It’s completely fine to take an off day or more if you need it. I used to punish myself earlier for lazying around and wasting my time. I had almost convinced myself that I’m a chronic procrastinator. It took me a long time to realize that it was my anxiety that caused me to delay tasks and not procrastination. My anxiety has always managed to get the better of me before any huge event, be it an exam, an interview or any other place that required my complete efforts and attention. I have an “all or none” mindset unfortunately. No matter how hard I try, I always feel unprepared and low on confidence.

Now that I’m trying to understand my mind and emotions better each day, I treat myself better. When we look at other people who are hard on themselves, we realize how grossly wrong and unfair it is to behave in that manner. However, when it comes to our own selves, we can be the toughest task masters the world has ever seen. I’m trying to love myself more each day, be gentle towards my thoughts and listen to myself better. There is no fun in burning ourselves out to the point of no return. Rest it out if you need time, do nothing, eat whatever you want, just try to keep yourself sane. You are your biggest comfort after all.

Road trip, anyone?

#21/100

Don’t we all absolutely love road trips? Long serene drives through the hills, flashy music blasting from the stereo, chit chatting group of friends and some food for company. Ah, sounds blissful right? Hell NO! For someone who has suffered from motion sickness since childhood, even the sight of a car can make me go dizzy!

I remember my first all girls trip to Manali. The place was a wonderland. It was the first time I saw snow in real life. This trip was pure delight with an only exception of the 9 hr long drive from Pathankot to Manali. While my friends were having fun talking to each other, listening to music, watching shows, my head was safely perched on my lap with eyes shut trying very hard to not puke and disgust my friends. It’s really an unfair situation since I can’t even go to sleep while travelling in a vehicle. Oh yes, I can never take the middle seat in a vehicle, a corner seat with the windows open somehow helps me sail through the ride without any unnecessary instances of puking.

Ever since I was asked to resume office, I had sleepless nights thinking about the 7 hr long bus ride I was supposed to take each day. The first day, I kept the big window next to the corner seat open to take in fresh air. The ride was smooth although I was exhausted by the end of the day. I was disappointed with the pointless wastage of time spent to and fro from office. I felt helpless because I absolutely couldn’t use the travel time to my advantage because of my motion sickness.

However, yesterday was different. Ever since I’ve decided to only pursue activities that truly make me happy, my brain somehow is in sync with this idea. I seem to have a teeny tiny bit control over my thoughts and negative self talk pattern. Meditation has a huge rule to play in this welcome change. I listened to my favorite music and was blissful throughout the 7 hr ride. I even managed to cover few episodes of a drama I’m currently watching. When I reached home, though my body felt some exertion, my mind was totally fresh. I was chirpy and happy throughout. This happened today as well!

I have absolutely no scientific explanation for this phenomena. Was it this simple always? Why did I waste my precious time dwelling on negative thoughts all this while? I don’t really know how long I can sustain this but I want it to be a permanent change. I know life has it’s ups and downs but I really wish to be patient and bounce back to my happy self in no time. I’m rooting for my happiness this time!

He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe. 

-Marcus Aurelius