Full stop to self sabotage

“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.”

-Alyce Cornyn-Selby

I haven’t related to any other quote in a long time more than the one above. To give you a little background, I have a tendency to plan huge goals for myself. get excited about it, be motivated by it, plan detailed schedules around it, YET, not work on it! Sounds absurd right? I managed to break this toxic pattern 2 years back during my weight loss journey. I had to force myself to take each day as it comes and work on my goals everyday. That immensely helped me achieve my weight loss target.

For the past couple of weeks, I have noticed a resurgence of this toxic pattern and it’s not pretty. I had scheduled a long run today, woke up at the designated time, had kept my shoes and clothes ready the night before, yet didn’t show up for the run. My mind gave me various reasons to abort the plan and I LISTENED TO IT. The same pattern accompanies me with my preparation for CFA Level 1 exams to be held on February 21st 2021. I have started studying for it, I utilize my office travel time for it but when it comes to studying at home, it’s a NO SHOW. The other time my mind is engulfed in this toxic pattern is during my preparations for a job interview. I am never able to prepare for an interview beforehand, I just go through whatever material I can scan within an hour or two before the interview schedule.

While wasting my time, NOT STUDYING for my upcoming exam today in the afternoon, my brain finally realized that there’s a toxic pattern in play. I don’t know for sure but it looks like it’s my anxiety acting up, preventing me from working hard so that it doesn’t hurt when I fail. We know our brain’s “survival” mode becomes extra effective when it notices an upcoming threat to our existence. Facing failure is the BIGGEST blow to our self esteem and our brain wants to protect us from it at all costs. However, the results of my hard work is UNKNOWN in the present moment and will be determined in the future. Hiding away from the pain that the end result MAY or MAY NOT have restricts my learning process and GROWTH. While I haven’t been able to figure out a one stop solution to my anxiety yet, switching the purpose of my goals from an ACCOMPLISHMENT mindset to a GROWTH/LEARNING mindset should trick my brain into being less dramatic about the consequences. I’m planning to put this into practice right away and will share my findings in about a month or two. Let’s see how this little change in my thinking affects my life’s BIG PICTURE.

Keeping up with your word

#82/100

Image credit : Vectortoons (Source : https://vectortoons.com/products/a-very-afraid-girl-trying-to-hide-herself-from-danger)

I wasn’t going to write about this today but I’m unable to bring my mind to think about anything else right now. I really hope writing this post will help calm me down a bit. Last month, I had committed to my running group to attend a team relay run scheduled to take place next month. Last week, my running group mentor formed the teams and asked us to register for the event. After giving my name for the event, I also committed to attend a trip planned by my girl gang and it happens to fall on the same day as the run. This trip is my priority and I have to withdraw my name from the event. This was pure carelessness on my part. I should have informed my running group in advance before the team formation was done. Now I am in a soup and I’m freaking out!

I’m really scared. I don’t know how to get out of this situation. My running group members are few of the most inspiring people I know. The group mentor just removed a member from the group for irresponsible behavior. Going by her messages, it seems like this member informed last minute about his inability to attend the relay event. I’m going to have to do the exact same thing soon. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I really don’t know why I’m freaking out. I really look up to my running mentor and don’t wish to let her down.

This doesn’t really sound like a big dilemma but has somehow made me very stressed. I have to pull myself together and inform my running mentor about my withdrawal from the event. I really hope she doesn’t take it the wrong way. Gosh, this is hard! Probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long time.

I’ll have to do this tomorrow. I really hope this situation magically sorts out in a manner favorable to all. Till then, I’ll try not to overthink and hope for the best!