A ray of hope

“Someday all you will have to light your way will be a single ray of hope and that will be enough.”

Kobi Yamada

Day 19/30

Something really good happened today. I can’t give details yet as the process hasn’t been completed yet. I don’t know the outcome yet. I gave my best but I know I was lacking in a lot of different aspects. Honestly, this has been my best experience till date for this process which I have always dreaded. I’m glad I was able to experience it. I really hope and pray that the outcome of this process is positive. For once I took on a challenge thinking of it as a win or learn opportunity and it honestly felt great. I’m really grateful that I got this opportunity. I will share details once the outcome is evident.

On a completely different note, have you ever encountered something that perfectly fits wish? For example, you’ve been waiting to have a certain dish which you have only fantasied about, dreamed of trying it, scrolled through videos of people enjoying the dish and craved to try it one fine day. Imagine your utter disappointment when you finally get a chance to try that dish and realize that it doesn’t taste the way you imagined it to be. You had great hopes of having the experience of a lifetime and you get a BIG FAT DISAPPOINTMENT in return. It’s physically painful. This is just a metaphor for the experience I’ve had recently. I had great hopes from a certain something, the description matched my dream wish list to the tee, everything seemed perfect till I “tried the dish“. Argh, what a big disappointment. I feel so sad that my expectation of having the experience of a lifetime was shattered, just like that! I’m exasperated!

To bring some cheer and hope to my and your life, let me share this amazing thought that I came across recently. It sure did help me feel a lot more powerful and in control of my life. I hope it helps you too. This applies to either gender.

When things seem uncertain

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. ” 

-Gilda Radner

Everything in my life seems uncertain at the moment. Ever since I turned 30, I feel the presence of a ticking time bomb right above my head. I don’t know how much time is left for it to blast but not knowing it makes me want to quit everything and move to a place far away. My mind keeps making desperate plea for clarity and peace.

The past week has been emotionally taxing. I never used to experience any mood swings or emotional upheavals as part of PMS before. However, anxiety has somehow befriended my hormones to give me the choicest of fears to deal with right before Aunt Flo decides to strike with cramps.

In the middle of this mental turbulence, I gave a job interview through the reference of one my closest friends. On the outcast, the job seemed perfect but I just couldn’t convince my mind to take it up. The job timings were odd (from 12.30 pm to 9.30 pm) and I’ve felt mentally harassed and tortured while working in these timings before. It would have been a different case had I enjoyed working in a corporate set up or I was passionate about my career choice. The primary reason I work in a corporate is to make myself and my family financially independent. My “job” and career as an accountant always feels like a routine, is burdensome, stressful and drains me of my energy as it’s far from my personality and purpose in life. Don’t take me wrong, I am grateful for my current life and all the opportunities I have been blessed with. It kills me to feel constantly “unfulfilled” and “unhappy” in life.

Even the thought of working at this new organisation made me feel extremely stressed and unhappy. I knew that I couldn’t put myself through any more mental pressure for the sake of increasing my pay scale. I finally told my friend yesterday that I couldn’t go ahead with the job process. I might have lost out on a great job opportunity that could have made a huge upswing in my earning capacity. However, I couldn’t bring myself to say “yes” to it, believe me I thought about it, A LOT. Surprisingly I don’t feel dejected by it at all. All I feel is extreme “uncertainty” and “anxiety” about my future.

As kids, we never looked for reasons to be happy. Now, happiness feels like the most expensive commodity in my life. I constantly feel the need to prove myself, work hard, go through pain and turbulence to “earn my happiness“. It feels like I’m on a constant wait for something, someone, to change the course of my life and make it better. Is there an end to this phase of my life? I hope there is because I’m EXHAUSTED of waiting.

I have decided to make 2021, MY GLOW UP year! Even if I start the year on a great note, I know for a fact that I WILL relapse back to my depressed self soon enough. It’s not because of the occurrence of a setback or failure, my positivity usually wears off when I realize that I’ve lost control of my life.

For 2021, I’ve decided to take cue from my “weight loss experience” and be “consistent” with my goals, by hook or by crook.

My mantras for 2021 :-

  • What this means is that, my focus would be on my efforts in present moment rather than expected results in the future
  • I’ve decided to give my best in the present moment, work hard to become the best version of myself and have faith in the UNIVERSE to unfold things in my life, what it considers BEST for me
  • Stop fighting against all situations in life and fear that the Universe has turned it’s back on you
  • Document everyday, each day is special
  • Trust the process, go with the flow.

I guess I’m all set for the new year, are you?

Yes or yes

#58/100

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.

-John Milton

There are so many things I wish to do in life. Yet, I don’t do most of them. Some things are beyond my capacity or reach, for everything else, my heart and mind are never in sync.

There have been many situations in life where I wished to do my best. Like giving a presentation in front of a room full of people (which I have rehearsed many times), performing a choreographed dance sequence in front of an audience (after many hours of practice) or doing well at a job interview. I have a fear of public speaking. I’m unable to perform well when I know I’m being watched and “judged” by other people. What is this fear really? For years, it has made me lose many opportunities to excel in life and upgrade my personality. Why do I fear public speaking so much? Why does my mind only say “no” to any opportunity that requires me to be in the limelight?

My oldest memory of public speaking was the fancy dress competition event in school. My costume was up to the mark yet when it was my stage to deliver the dialogue on stage, I stopped mid sentence as I forgot the rest of the sentence. But I didn’t fear anything at that time, I didn’t know what fear was. As years passed by, my fear of being judged by other people increased multi fold. I started caring way too much about what other people thought of me and desperately wished to hide myself whenever I was asked to speak in front of other people.

My weight loss journey also helped me to shed my insecurity and self esteem issues. That’s when I realized, my fear of public speaking stemmed from the fact that I was extremely conscious about my weight. After I lost my weight, I forced myself to do my best under the limelight whenever I got the chance to.

I understand that our mind (rather gene’s) primitive instinct is to survive and avoid death under any circumstances. And I had read somewhere that human beings tend to feel inconsequential when faced with negative remarks. We fear that we might make a fool of ourselves when we don’t perform well. This would make us lose face in front of the society which would render our existence as futile. We have a inert fear of non existence on this planet, which co relates to our gene’s prime most need to survive.

Fear is important, only in case of a real threat to our existence. In all other cases, our mind creates a psychological illusion of fear whenever it senses a situation of treat towards it’s existence. Let us try to be aware of our emotions, understand what situations affect us and in what manner and work towards not missing out real opportunities in the name of fear. Let’s love ourselves enough to work on ourselves.