My younger self

“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.  Tiptoe of if you must, but take the step.”

-Unknown

I was quiet an insecure child growing up. I more or less disliked every aspect of my personality. At times I was laid back and always procrastinated till the last minute for any school activity. I was overweight and made fun of by my cousins who I cared about the most. We didn’t have much money in the family and grew up in a dingy little house which I was ashamed about. I wanted to be an organized person but kept failing at keeping up with the elaborate study schedule that I prepared with much gusto, every DAMN time. I was a shy and introverted girl and was scared to speak even in a group of close friends. I had social anxiety and dreaded any situation where there was even a remotely possible chance of having people’s attention on me. I was ALWAYS late to any place, be it school or classes or meet up with my friends.

As a child, I desperately wanted to change these aspects of me that I as embarrassed about. I wanted to quickly grow up and change myself for the better. I felt growing up and earning money will be the solution to all my problems. I grew up, earned money and became more conscious of myself than I ever was before. Happiness still eluded me. I found a new found trouble in the form of “work stress” and was anxious 24*7. I was still scared to speak in a group, lived in a house that I was ashamed of and was overweight. I kept longing to become the person my younger self would be proud of and change my life for the better. But that day never came and I stopped hoping for it.

A few days back, I found my old diaries inside my book shelf. As I started to read my old diary entries, I couldn’t help but feel bittersweet about my emotions when I wrote them. It reeked of desperation. And a realization dawned upon me that I HAVE BECOME THE PERSON I desperately wanted to become as a child. My life has had a 180 degree change in the last 3 years ever since I’ve joined this workplace which I crib about all the time. I am no longer overweight, my house is renovated and I’m proud of it, my social anxiety is under control, I AM ORGANISED about most things in life and I try to diligently work towards my goals in life. Yet, I was unhappy. I couldn’t believe that I was unhappy even after achieving ALL of my childhood goals. I AM THE PERSON MY YOUNGER SELF WANTED TO BE ALL MY LIFE. This realization has been path breaking for me.

I have decided to live in the present moment as much as I can, celebrate the little wins and document each day of my life. Life has treated me fairly well and I shouldn’t have any reasons to complain about. Yet, I crib and cry over the little things that would have been insignificant and completely manageable to my younger self. My present life seems like a fairy tale when I look through the eyes of my younger self. I’ll try my level best to make most of everything in my life going ahead and live it in the best possible manner. Each day is a blessing and I wish to celebrate my life. While my present self is giving me a disapproving look, my younger self is jumping with joy with this idea. I plan to listen to my younger self this time!

Free as a bird

#13/100

The other day while having a general conversation with one of my closest friends about my work life, she asked me a basic question that put me into a deep thought. I told her I wasn’t enjoying my work at the moment and am very confused about what I want to do in life. She asked me to tell her about any activity apart from work that I really enjoyed to do. I do have such activities like running or writing but I couldn’t envision a career in them at the moment. I really enjoy them as my hobbies, without a specific rule book attached to it.

She told me then that I like to travel and explore. I like to be ‘free as a bird‘. The realization made by this simple sentence hit me hard. Tears welled up in my eyes, my eyes went moist right now while typing the sentence. This is exactly what I want to be. I want to be free from any expectations to act or behave in a certain manner, dependency to continue something that my mind doesn’t enjoy doing, low tolerance to mistakes and failures, the need to beat the competition and not better my own self. My mind and personality aren’t made for cut throat competition. I like to be free willed, set targets for my own personal development and achieve them, only gain motivation from my peers and not be forced to be better than them on paper to gain a promotion. After working in a corporate job for 8 years, I feel more alienated from the crowd than be a part of it. I feel like running far away and never return back.

I have some responsibilities at home at the moment which need my support and attention. Until then, I need to convince my brain to help me out and make me happy doing what I am supposed to do. Alas, our brain doesn’t act that way. If our brain wholeheartedly rejects something, it takes a long time to even understand that something’s wrong. I’m watching a very insightful video currently on the “Neuroscience of depression”. It’s such a brilliant video which explains everything that goes wrong in our brain when we experience depression. The worst part of it is that nothing is under our control. However, as with everything in life, there is a silver lining here as well. Depression is treatable. You can have a lot more understanding of your thoughts if you try to understand how your brain works.

As far as I am concerned, I’m really trying to live each day as it comes. I try to find happiness in small things like watching my favorite videos or eating good food. I’m also regularly practicing meditation which is like a deep relaxation for my mind. I instantly feel refreshed after a 20 min meditation session.

I do secretly pray to be “free as a bird” sooner than I can imagine. 🙂

Show me the money

Too many people spend money they earned..to buy things they don’t want..to impress people that they don’t like.

Will Rogers

#6/100

I’m closely connected to a person who has a money spending problem. This person’s entire life revolves around money. He wants to earn money without working too hard for it. He isn’t able to part with the money earned by him, no matter how insignificant the sum is. He piles on loans after loans and doesn’t wish to repay them, a very uncanny thought which leads him to believe that money received through any source is his to keep. Ironically, this person also has a family to fend for. How does he manage his responsibilities you ask? Sadly, by ignoring them. When the breadwinner has difficulty in managing finances of his family, other members have to rise to the occasion. The family thrived and shone in adversities without the help of the supposed patriarch.

Now that he is old, his source of money is on a constant decline. The concept of saving money for future needs never crossed his mind. This person has a weird understanding of money. As far as he is concerned, he can never have enough money, is always short of it and keeps asking for more. When it comes to his family members who are working hard to be independent, he believes that they have an unnatural source of money and demands his share frequently. He only asks about the sources of income of his family members or any person for that matter and conveniently excludes the expenditure. When it comes to money, this person’s idea of ‘living in the present’ has been detrimental to his survival. I have no clue how and when he developed this problem.

So how much money is really enough? Why are humans so crazy about money? Everything that surrounds us is profoundly affected by money. People work on jobs they absolutely hate to keep their family afloat, some indulge in criminal activities to survive, others just to add to their huge pile of money, some compromise their soul, happiness, passion, hobbies to earn more, some save through the entire life to spend on their retirement, money really governs all our minor and major decisions in life.

How much attachment to money is really enough? When we start dissociating ourselves from our core personalities just for the sake of earning money, we gradually lose interest in our life and have difficulty staying happy. Is earning more money worth losing our sleep and happiness over? When should we stop? People are on a constant chase of earning money, spending it on materialistic things that give momentary happiness and seek constant validation from the world at large. Why do humans care so deeply about other people’s thoughts?

There are a lot of unanswered questions about money in my mind. Money enormously affects every human to walk on the face of this earth. My only wish for the world at large is to focus on making happiness a necessity rather than considering money a source of happiness. Figure out ways to keep yourself sane and happy without involving an unrealistic amount of money. Is that really possible? If we stop and pause, list down things we really need for survival and compare it with everything we end up buying on our impulse shopping trips, we surely would find things that give us no happiness or usage. Happiness, sanity, peace and calm is what keeps you afloat during hardships and let’s you hold your hope high for the future. Let’s try and work on improving our quality of life than blindly earning money.