“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tiptoe of if you must, but take the step.”-Unknown
I was quiet an insecure child growing up. I more or less disliked every aspect of my personality. At times I was laid back and always procrastinated till the last minute for any school activity. I was overweight and made fun of by my cousins who I cared about the most. We didn’t have much money in the family and grew up in a dingy little house which I was ashamed about. I wanted to be an organized person but kept failing at keeping up with the elaborate study schedule that I prepared with much gusto, every DAMN time. I was a shy and introverted girl and was scared to speak even in a group of close friends. I had social anxiety and dreaded any situation where there was even a remotely possible chance of having people’s attention on me. I was ALWAYS late to any place, be it school or classes or meet up with my friends.
As a child, I desperately wanted to change these aspects of me that I as embarrassed about. I wanted to quickly grow up and change myself for the better. I felt growing up and earning money will be the solution to all my problems. I grew up, earned money and became more conscious of myself than I ever was before. Happiness still eluded me. I found a new found trouble in the form of “work stress” and was anxious 24*7. I was still scared to speak in a group, lived in a house that I was ashamed of and was overweight. I kept longing to become the person my younger self would be proud of and change my life for the better. But that day never came and I stopped hoping for it.
A few days back, I found my old diaries inside my book shelf. As I started to read my old diary entries, I couldn’t help but feel bittersweet about my emotions when I wrote them. It reeked of desperation. And a realization dawned upon me that I HAVE BECOME THE PERSON I desperately wanted to become as a child. My life has had a 180 degree change in the last 3 years ever since I’ve joined this workplace which I crib about all the time. I am no longer overweight, my house is renovated and I’m proud of it, my social anxiety is under control, I AM ORGANISED about most things in life and I try to diligently work towards my goals in life. Yet, I was unhappy. I couldn’t believe that I was unhappy even after achieving ALL of my childhood goals. I AM THE PERSON MY YOUNGER SELF WANTED TO BE ALL MY LIFE. This realization has been path breaking for me.
I have decided to live in the present moment as much as I can, celebrate the little wins and document each day of my life. Life has treated me fairly well and I shouldn’t have any reasons to complain about. Yet, I crib and cry over the little things that would have been insignificant and completely manageable to my younger self. My present life seems like a fairy tale when I look through the eyes of my younger self. I’ll try my level best to make most of everything in my life going ahead and live it in the best possible manner. Each day is a blessing and I wish to celebrate my life. While my present self is giving me a disapproving look, my younger self is jumping with joy with this idea. I plan to listen to my younger self this time!