Making my time count

#61/100

“The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot”

-Michael Altshuler

I wanted to do so many things today. Yet, I’m sitting on my bed at the end of the day today, completely clueless about the manner in which I spent my day. I woke up in the morning with a plan to complete all my work on time. I had a mental list of everything that I wanted to work on today. But I ended up having an extremely rushed day, wasting most of the time zoning out or on the phone and just like that, my day got over.

I don’t know why I’m unable to take action on every task on my to-do list. When I almost get around to do it, there’s a voice in my head which says this can be done tomorrow and I listen to it like an ardent follower. Why am I being so lazy? I have absolutely no clue. I am totally aware that I can work on completing every work on my list on the same day if I put my mind to it. So what’s exactly wrong?

I’m not a lazy person yet there are times when my easy going nature causes a lot of inconsistencies with the timing of my work. I really don’t wish to waste even a single millisecond of my life.

The best way to get a hold on our life is by journaling. When I pen down our thoughts, I understand myself a little better each time. Fighting procrastination has been one of the main goals my life.

I’m too overwhelmed with housework and office work at the moment. I know that I can do much better than this. Every day I wake up with the intention of doing all my work before time and I end up doing the exact opposite of that. My mind isn’t able to handle my volatile emotions and has decided to seek the safe way out by doing absolutely nothing.

Looking forward to a better tomorrow.

Good night!

What’s your purpose?

#20/100

I felt like a motivational guru while asking this question. Isn’t this the hot topic of discussion amongst every motivational speaker? It’ll always revolve around these grey topics which might end up confusing people more rather than helping them. People like me feel motivated at first however when things don’t fall in place even after following all the vague rules listed out by the gurus, we feel more empty and lost than ever.

I’ve read a lot of self help books on various topics meant to improve the quality of our life. I’ve tried listening to my absolutely chaotic inner voice with no respite. I’ve watched videos of many successful people who have noticeably made it big in this world. I’ve tried to list down the common traits that exists in all of them. They keep saying, love what you do and everything else would be taken care of.

People talk about following your passion, finding your true self, doing what lights up their soul, but what about the ones who can’t seem to figure out the source that lets them experience these emotions?

Are you as confused as me in this matter? Should I let you on a little secret that I’ve discovered recently? I really like being happy. Happiness drives me to do better, it lights up my soul and I’m completely passionate about it. But my happiness is not restricted to a single source. These days, I’m learning a new language and that makes me immensely happy and fulfilled. A cup of hot steaming green tea, a sweaty workout session, my 20 minute meditation routine, reading a good book, watching a great rom-com, figuring out new things about myself, learning a little more about people and the world, the list is endless. I experience true happiness when I indulge in these activities.

I guess I might have finally figured out my purpose after almost losing all hope to never discover it in my entire lifetime. Can you see how dramatic I can be about these things? I have absolutely no clue how the future will turn out yet somehow I managed to beat myself up everyday for not finding out answers to these “unnecessary philosophical questions”. Yes, I called them unnecessary. Racking my brains behind these questions stressed me out, made me lose my confidence, forced me to look down upon myself and made me lose a lot of my precious time on this planet.

My purpose on this earth is simple, be happy and do everything possible to keep myself truly happy. I don’t want to bind my happiness with a rule book, I just want to be truly happy as much as I can during my time on this planet.

“Happiness consists more in conveniences of pleasure that occur everyday than in great pieces of good fortune that happen but seldom.”

-Benjamin Franklin

When I earned my first and only scholarship

#5/100

I’m a chartered accountant by profession. I had cleared my exams way back in 2012. I almost gave up reading for good after studying for these exams. Forget further studies, I was mentally exhausted to even pick up a novel to read.

Cut to 7 years later, I finally wanted to study further, get another professional certificate/degree. I’ve always been an avid reader, I’m curious about the ways in which the world operates. Let me put it out straight, I ain’t a studious person but I do enjoy gaining information. Studying just for the sake of giving exams is probably one of my nightmares!

After researching through various short term courses and certifications, I finally zeroed down on CFA (Chartered Financial Analyst). I was fairly sure that I wanted to do this course. However, there was one big glitch. This course was extremely expensive. There are 3 levels to this course, the entry fees to the first level and examination costs was a whopping USD 1,150 (INR 86,000). I am anyways a known procrastinator, the exorbitant fee to this course made me second guess my decision of enrolling for it.

While I was in two minds about opting for this course, my friend told me about a “Women’s scholarship” offered by the CFA institute. Although she told me to not keep my hopes high, there was no harm in trying for it. I just had to answer few questions about why I deserved the scholarship and how the CFA degree would help me in my professional goals. I gave my best to answer the questions, applied for the scholarship and ‘tried’ to forget all about it. I refrained from registering for the exam till I heard about the institute’s decision. I knew I had very slim chances of being awarded the scholarship but somehow I couldn’t let my hope die a silent death.

Every morning I refreshed my mailbox to look for the institute’s reply. This went on for over a month. One such morning, I woke up hazily to a routine weekday. I refreshed my mailbox out of habit and there it was, the institute’s reply!

I got the scholarship! My joy knew no bounds! This was probably the sign I was waiting for. The scholarship waived off the fees to USD 350. I enrolled for the course right away. After experiencing few setbacks, I sometimes had pessimistic reaction to certain situations in life. This scholarship somehow restored my faith in the Universe. It was that positive beam of light that I was struggling to find since a long time.

Inner peace

#4/100

What is your idea of inner peace? Lately, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. The other day I just wanted to lie down, close my eyes and experience the feeling of not having my mind blast out thoughts at the speed of light. It’s this constant chatter in my mind that I want an escape from.

I’ve started meditating and let me tell you, the feeling is incredible. Of course, my mind won’t stop churning out thoughts while I’m trying to concentrate on my breathing. That’s not the concept of meditation. The whole idea is to attain a higher level of awareness of your thoughts to help you not dwell on it for long.

I remember being a very happy, optimistic kid. I seldom experienced the emotions of boredom, anger or sadness. I guess all kids are like that. As we grow older and experience life better, our collection of memories grows bigger. It’s our memories, rather bad experiences from our past that makes us experience anxiety, sadness, nervousness, anger for the future. I’m sure no one on this earth has led a life without any struggle. Everyone deals with some or the other discomforting situation in their lives, some people just end up dealing with it better.

In the end, I’m well aware that everything is in my mind. The situations I’m fearing or dreading haven’t taken place yet. Many a time, the reality unfolds in a diabolically different manner than my thoughts. Yet, every new uncertainty makes me anxious. It makes me anxious to the extent that my present and future seem blurry.

When our mind, body and heart are in complete tandem, we experience inner peace, the feeling of true happiness. 30 years of life experiences have forced me to become an anxious person. Anxiety is no one’s friend and I don’t wish for anyone to experience it. For now, I’ll try to meditate my way out of my life’s uncertainties, at least the ones that my mind has creatively scripted. It’s my 20 minute escape from the world. As I continue to actively practice the art of meditation, I want to become a more calm, settled version of myself, more at peace with life, the way I was as a kid.