You are worth it

“Not one drop of your self-worth depends on the acceptance of others.”

-Anonymous

No, this isn’t an advertisement for Loreal. Most of the times we forget or are forced by the society to destroy our self esteem to keep in line with the society’s expectations. I, like a good child always listened and believed everything that the society dumped on me. If they told me I’m fat, I worked on losing weight, if they told me my hair was frizzy and didn’t look good, I straightened it to fit the normal beauty standards, if they told me I shouldn’t wear certain clothes to talk to certain people, I restrained myself from doing it. I did everything they told, yet, the society never seems to be happy with the way I live.

I never thought it would be so hard to be an unmarried 30 year old girl in India. As I aged, I saw many old electronics and gadgets being replaced with newer, better versions. But somehow, the mentality of people has remained the same, if not, digressed over the years! Though people don’t tell me directly, I can sense the fear in my parents and relatives minds for not being married by the so called golden age of 30. Sometimes they feel that my pictures aren’t good enough, my qualification becomes an issue at times, my location is a problem many a times. There is always some or the other reason. I’m never affected by any such “so called” rejections because I have got nothing to lose here. I am very happy with the way I have lived my life, my personality, my achievements, my qualification and of course my appearance. If that doesn’t suit someone for any reason, that’s totally valid. But that doesn’t make me any less of a person.

When two people love each other and chose to spend the rest of their lives together, they get married. However, I have come to realize that people treat single people differently, especially after they have crossed the general age of 30. I don’t want to succumb under the society’s pressure and get married just for the sake of it. But why do I feel like a criminal for not doing what the society expects me to do at this age? I am not in love with anyone, nor do I have a genuine connection with someone at the present moment. Sometimes these things happen all of a sudden, the other times it can take up to an eternity. I don’t want to live my life, feeling like an outcast, counting my days till I get married just to feel like a normal human again. I really don’t know if I’ll be able to do this though. Like always, I’ll try my best to not allow such things to affect me, however, they do hurt me at times more than I can imagine. I am a human after all, any threat to my existence is physically and mentally exhausting!

To all the people who might feel the way I do at the moment, just remember,

• YOU ARE ENOUGH
• YOU DESERVE THE BEST
• YOU ARE WORTH IT

Enlighten me

#92/100

“It may sound paradoxical, but strength comes from vulnerability. You have to ask the question to get the answer, even though asking the question means you didn’t know.”

–Majid Kazmi

Asking queries to people, this is something I’ve struggled with all my life. When I was in school, I avoided asking any doubts related to studies to my teachers/professors. The memories go back as far as my kindergarten days. I was asked by my class teacher to give a book to a teacher from another class division. I was in kindergarten, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t exactly complete the task as required and was slapped by my class teacher in return. A few years later, I was appointed as the class monitor in 4th standard. I was just 10 years old, yet I felt an unnecessary burden on me to be best at everything I was asked to do. I have no clue why I pressurized myself with this unnecessary expectation. I had not completed many tasks in the manner my teacher wanted to and was taunted/scolded by my class teacher. I believed that I was incapable and inefficient to take up the role of a class monitor. I truly believed that my class teacher couldn’t count on me for any work and hated me for not being “the absolute best” at my role. She never spelt out this herself but my mind overanalyzed the situation and gave me every reason to believe so. This further crushed my self esteem that was hanging by a thin thread. I really don’t know why I had zero confidence in myself right since I was a kid.

I could never muster enough courage to ask my teachers for help of any kind. Asking questions in a classroom in the presence of other students freaked me out to another level. I was terrified of asking a silly question or even a non-relevant one and end up being ridiculed by my classmates. My mind forced myself to learn everything on my own. I don’t remember many instances of asking queries to my friends too. I truly believed that my questions made no sense and I would be able to solve it on my own. I couldn’t stand the thought of being made fun of or looked down upon. I carried this behavior with me to my workplace as well, which is probably the worst thing to do!

I cannot possibly have an “I am supposed to know this, I’ll try to figure out a way anyhow” attitude at a workplace. Everyplace I go, I have an unreasonably high expectation to know everything that I am asked to do. When I was a fresher, I had the tag of being a Chartered Accountant. I feared asking questions will get a “You should be knowing this!” answer in return. I am scared of making mistakes, of any kind. I am petrified of asking help from my colleagues and get a judgy look on their face in return. Asking questions makes me feel like a lowly being who doesn’t deserve any respect.

I don’t know if it’s supposed to be this hard or if I’m wired differently. Asking questions starts from admitting the fact that I don’t have the knowledge of this subject and am willing to learn it. I probably had a lot of traumatizing experiences from childhood owing to my shy nature and low self esteem that made me into a fearful adult. I cannot blame my childhood self as she had little to no control over her life back then. The situation is different now. It’s time to take responsibility of my life. It’s time to accept and be okay with the fact that “not knowing things” is fine and completely normal. It’s time to take help and support from my friends, peers and colleagues to learn more about the my work, life or the world in general. It’s time to gain strength from my vulnerability and forgive myself for not being “perfect” all the time. It’s time to strengthen my self esteem by acknowledging my weaknesses and working on it.

To anyone who is reading, next time someone asks you a query, unless there’s a very strong reason to do otherwise, encourage them, enlighten them and give them strength to do better in life. Acting judgmental, angry or haughty wouldn’t do anyone any good. Let’s build a safe space around us which promotes growth and upliftment.

Show me the money

Too many people spend money they earned..to buy things they don’t want..to impress people that they don’t like.

Will Rogers

#6/100

I’m closely connected to a person who has a money spending problem. This person’s entire life revolves around money. He wants to earn money without working too hard for it. He isn’t able to part with the money earned by him, no matter how insignificant the sum is. He piles on loans after loans and doesn’t wish to repay them, a very uncanny thought which leads him to believe that money received through any source is his to keep. Ironically, this person also has a family to fend for. How does he manage his responsibilities you ask? Sadly, by ignoring them. When the breadwinner has difficulty in managing finances of his family, other members have to rise to the occasion. The family thrived and shone in adversities without the help of the supposed patriarch.

Now that he is old, his source of money is on a constant decline. The concept of saving money for future needs never crossed his mind. This person has a weird understanding of money. As far as he is concerned, he can never have enough money, is always short of it and keeps asking for more. When it comes to his family members who are working hard to be independent, he believes that they have an unnatural source of money and demands his share frequently. He only asks about the sources of income of his family members or any person for that matter and conveniently excludes the expenditure. When it comes to money, this person’s idea of ‘living in the present’ has been detrimental to his survival. I have no clue how and when he developed this problem.

So how much money is really enough? Why are humans so crazy about money? Everything that surrounds us is profoundly affected by money. People work on jobs they absolutely hate to keep their family afloat, some indulge in criminal activities to survive, others just to add to their huge pile of money, some compromise their soul, happiness, passion, hobbies to earn more, some save through the entire life to spend on their retirement, money really governs all our minor and major decisions in life.

How much attachment to money is really enough? When we start dissociating ourselves from our core personalities just for the sake of earning money, we gradually lose interest in our life and have difficulty staying happy. Is earning more money worth losing our sleep and happiness over? When should we stop? People are on a constant chase of earning money, spending it on materialistic things that give momentary happiness and seek constant validation from the world at large. Why do humans care so deeply about other people’s thoughts?

There are a lot of unanswered questions about money in my mind. Money enormously affects every human to walk on the face of this earth. My only wish for the world at large is to focus on making happiness a necessity rather than considering money a source of happiness. Figure out ways to keep yourself sane and happy without involving an unrealistic amount of money. Is that really possible? If we stop and pause, list down things we really need for survival and compare it with everything we end up buying on our impulse shopping trips, we surely would find things that give us no happiness or usage. Happiness, sanity, peace and calm is what keeps you afloat during hardships and let’s you hold your hope high for the future. Let’s try and work on improving our quality of life than blindly earning money.