Chasing growth

I’ve had a long hiatus from blogging. The reason I couldn’t post regularly anymore is because I sensed a feeling of stagnancy in my writing. I felt that I was writing about the same stuff, time and again and had nothing new to offer to this community. The break was needed and a lot of things happened in my life during this period of 4 odd months that I was away from word press, with the exception of my monthly recaps. I feel much better now, mentally and I consider that a huge plus considering my frame of mind in the last 4 months.

My initial purpose of starting this blog was to write about my thoughts and feelings freely here and gain some mental clarity in the process. Today, I’ve come back here to do the same thing. I’ve had a nagging thought going on in my head for a long time now and I desperately wanted to stop pondering over it. I tried drafting this post multiple times in the last 2 weeks but just wasn’t able to get my thoughts together. It’s Sunday today and I have all the time in the world to complete this post and bring a closure to my thought process on this topic.

Let me start with a question. How close are you with your childhood friends now? I guess this question is relevant to the people who have crossed the major milestones in their lives (school > college > job > marriage). As we grow older and shoulder more responsibilities in life, our priorities changes at times and we aren’t able to sustain the same level of connection with our friends in the same manner as during our teenage or young adulthood days. Some may accept this change quickly and move on with their lives. Others may wait endlessly for things to revert back to good old days and refuse to come out of their comfort zone. The sooner we realize that each and every person we know is capable of change, sometimes into a completely different version of them that we no longer connect to, the better it is for us to prioritize our own growth.

For the longest time, I was upset and hurt at these people who left without a trace, who went from talking about every random thing in the world everyday to finding it difficult to hold a conversation, who only contacted me only when they needed to get some information or work done, whose thought process or ideologies did not resonate with me anymore. There were times when I could see my close friends in pain and agony because of their mindset and negative beliefs and I felt absolutely helpless as my words or actions were of no help to them. It made me feel incapable of providing support, emotionally drained and mentally exhausted. I blamed myself for not being a good friend, not being there for my closed ones when they needed me the most, not being able to help them out of their misery. This also took a toll on my mental health as I felt guilty of not being a good friend or even a helpful human being and I blamed myself for leaving such people in distress to concentrate on my own well being.

However, in the past couple of months I’ve realized that you don’t need to change your core nature, your beliefs in the pretext of helping others. The ones who seek help, will figure out a way of dealing with their troubles (if you no longer serve the purpose) and connect with those who make them feel better in their own right. You shouldn’t blame or bash yourself for not being the one helping them or be upset with them for reaching out to others for support. While they are away figuring out their lives, it’s imperative that you concentrate on your own and make sure that you make yourself a priority.

We spend most of our life in our head, amidst our thoughts. Naturally, we need to ensure that our mind is the most positive and encouraging place to be. Feed the thoughts that foster your growth, keep the negative thoughts at bay, nourish them by being grateful towards our existence and thankful for all the opportunities that have led to our growth in life. There is no one way to lead a happy life but we can figure out the things that definitely don’t add value to it.

Recently I saw an amazing keynote speech by Hal Elrod, #1 international bestselling author of The Miracle Morning. He discussed an amazing rule that he swears by to keep his emotions in check.

He calls it the 5- minute rule.

According to it, when things go wrong, it’s okay to be completely negative–but not for more than five minutes. With this rule, Elrod learned to set a timer, moan, complain, whine, and express every negative emotion he liked during a period of five minutes, and then took a deep breath to say three remarkably powerful words:

Can’t Change It.

“It’s simply an acknowledgement that I can’t change what’s already happened, so there’s no value in wishing it were different,” he explains.

With this, I’ll stop thinking about ways to change the external factors in my life or regret my past actions. I’ll work on taking complete responsibility of my life and make sure to do everything to improve it’s quality. It makes no sense to blame our circumstances for everything that goes wrong as it doesn’t provide any solution or help us with the way forward.

Accept it, own it and hustle harder.

Monthly recap : July 2021

I don’t have much to share in this month’s recap as well. My mom was diagnosed with covid on 13th July and subsequently on 17th July, the rest of the family (including me) tested positive. I didn’t feel like doing any of the self care activities during this time. However, in the hindsight, I truly believe that spending some time on self care each day could have helped me cope up with this demanding phase of life in a much better manner. Lesson learnt.

Mental health

• Meditated for 1/31 days.
• Journaled/documented my day for 0 days.
• Practiced gratitude journaling for 0 days.

Personal Growth

This section is for a new skill or talent that I’ve acquired in this month, tried a new activity or thing that has pushed me out of my comfort zone.

• I handled the household responsibilities and took care of my mom as she was diagnosed with covid a week before us. Although it isn’t a talent or a skill to be talked about, I’m glad I was able to pull through this mentally exhausting phase.

Workouts

• Zero outdoor/indoor runs
• Worked out for 4/31 days

Education

• Zero progress with CFA level 1 curriculum. Exam has been deferred to March 2022.
• Zero online courses completed in July

Entertainment

• Completed reading 1 book – Mint your money by Pranjal Kamra. It’s an amazing read especially for the ones who want to understand the basics and begin their financial planning journey. (More than halfway through 2 books.)
• I watched the season 2 of Never Have I Ever and absolutely loved it. It distracted me from all that was going on at home when we were recovering from covid. A must watch!
• Also breezed through Mimi on Netflix. Pretty mediocre, can be skipped.

Ending on a positive note and hoping that I can start afresh and accomplish the goals that I set for August.

Monthly recap : June 2021

I totally wanted to skip this month’s recap. June has been my worst month in terms of productivity. I don’t know how I managed to spend an entire month in utter confusion and anxiety. I managed to skip all my usual self care activities (meditation, workouts and journaling) for most part of this month. I did have a busy work schedule during the last week of June but that doesn’t explain my unproductive streak for the first 3 weeks. I think I needed a break from my usual routine, I wasn’t able to focus or concentrate on the good parts of my life. I took time to heal and it worked to an extent. I won’t say I’m completely back to my usual self but I don’t feel that anxious and confused anymore. I consider that a huge win.

Mental health

• Meditated for 3/30 days.
• Journaled/documented my day for 0 days.
• Practiced gratitude journaling for 0 days.

Personal Growth

This section is for a new skill or talent that I’ve acquired in this month, tried a new activity or thing that has pushed me out of my comfort zone.

• I don’t recollect doing anything special or different this month

Workouts

• Zero outdoor/indoor runs
• Worked out for 8/30 days

Education

• Zero progress with CFA level 1 curriculum.
• Zero online courses completed in June

Entertainment

• Completed reading 0 books (More than halfway through 3 books.)
• No movies/web series

Looking back at my progress this month, I could have easily skipped posting this. But the book I’m reading currently has helped change my perspective at looking things. The book goes by the name “Mindset” by renowned psychologist “Carol Dweck”. The book speaks about two different kind of mindsets that people have “Fixed and Growth”.

I wish to try new things, work hard on myself, focus on learning and growth, not let my mistakes and failure define me, take on new challenges and experience life. That will be my focus in July. Let’s see how this month treats me.

Quest to be best

“Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do.”

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Day 14/30

I have been following the journey of a fitness influencer on Instagram and it makes me wonder if such people do exist in real life. She seems to be living a perfect life especially when it comes to leading a productive lifestyle. She was quiet overweight when she decided to take things into her own hands by starting her fitness journey. It’s been 4 years that she has been following it diligently and I’m in awe of her. She strives hard everyday to be the best version of herself. It has only been 2.5 years for me yet I’ve fumbled way too many times.

I don’t feel productive whenever I have issues with my mental health. I feel lethargic, lazy and end up whiling away my time doing nothing. This wonder woman works on her goals, ever day with the same determination she had when she started. This gives me hope that we can be consistent in our life. We just need to fight and win against the demons in our mind.

Working on things that don’t provide instant gratification can drain all of our energy. That’s the reason we fall off the wagon more often than we can imagine. We seek immediate reward always. Training the mind to delay gratification is the first and biggest step towards success. Finding a strong purpose will help you stick by your goals.

All things set aside, this wonder woman has inspired me work on myself, truly and faithfully. No excuses, no escapes, sheer hard work to become the best version of myself.

If any of you are intrigued by her story, please read her article below, it’s beyond inspirational.

https://iwillgetlean.medium.com/my-beginner-mindset-a77b02bcf4af

I have a strong desire to know myself in my best version. On a scale of 1-10 where 10 is my best version, I feel like I’m on 2 right now. The journey from 2 to 10 won’t be easy at all but the extremely fulfilling. I want to give it a shot. I did embark on this journey 2.5 years back but I’ve not been supremely focused and consistent about it. It’s high time I do that.

My ‘quest to be best’ begins right now!

Let go

“Things are as they are—we suffer because we imagined different.”

– Rachel Wolchin

Day 12/30

Certain things in life are just not meant to be. We try our best, fall down, get back up, try again, fall back again, get back up YET AGAIN and this cycle continues. We never lose hope but never get closer to our dreams either. We stumble and fall so many times that the dream seems too far fetched now. We still hope that things will miraculously change for the better and life will turnaround. But it doesn’t happen YET AGAIN. Things don’t change, we are still hurting yet we still try not to lose hope. That’s what is taught to us right? Try, try, try again. But what if we tried for the 1000th time and failed, yet again? Do we continue trying?

No, absolutely NOT. We let go, GRACIOUSLY. We did our best, prayed, wished, worked hard, begged at times, cried, but it still didn’t happen. Boy, we need to understand Universe’s signals by now. Some things in life is just not meant to be.

Let go, move on, focus on things that are under your control. Focus on yourself, focus on your happiness. Be at peace with yourself, with or without such things.

You’ve tried really hard, it’s time to let go. It’s time to forgive ourselves and forget about such things. It shouldn’t be this hard. It’s not meant to be.

Be in charge of your happiness. You can do better, you are better and bigger than this.

24 hours

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.”

–Wayne Dyer

Day 5/30

How to make the best use of your time? Start living in the moment. I know, I know! It’s easier said than done. I am never in the moment. When I was a kid, I used to perpetually live in the past. I used to keep rewinding my life experiences and regret everything that I felt was wrong with it. I always wanted to do better, be better. Nothing was perfect enough for me.

When I grew up and started working, I started living in the future as well as past. I used to day dream about my bucket list and dream of achieving them. Again nothing in the present moment felt right. I kept my expectations high and mentally strained myself to achieve all of them in order to feel happy.

It was in lockdown last year when I discovered the foolproof way of being happy. I started applying this trick in my life and it effortlessly made me happy, every single time. At a time when I felt that everything was going wrong with my life, I found it very easy to find things that made me happy, effortlessly. How did I do it?

I started paying attention and found happiness in small things!

From getting a window seat in bus to listening to my favorite BTS song, these tiny actions made me happy than I’ve ever felt in my life. It was a tough time to deal with and under usual circumstances, I would have succumbed to the negativity in my life. But I was so tired of being anxious, scared, unhappy and bored with my life that I was willing to try anything.

I have been feeling very bored and useless since the last 2 weeks. Though I don’t know the reason behind it, I am extremely tired of it. I am FED UP. I want to feel alive, energetic and happy again. I never want to feel like this in my life again. I have taken time for granted. I purposely waste my time for no reason and wait for the day to end. I while my time doing things that I don’t actually wish to do. I sense a huge loss of control in my life and I desperately want it BACK.

I am going to take life, ONE DAY AT A TIME. Ever day is beautiful and I wish to live each day to the fullest. I know rest days are important and help you recharge and rejuvenate. However, I have never felt “rejuvenated” after prolonged period of rest. I am extremely low on energy and motivation. Consistent efforts on our goals are always better than going all out on important occasions. Good habits require regular practice and consistency, in short, our efforts!

These are few good habits that I wish to incorporate in my life :-

• Plan your new day the night before
• Wake up at 5 am daily
• Meditate for 20 mins daily
• Workout for 30 mins minimum
• Gratitude journaling/ daily journaling
• Read 40 pages daily
• Study for your career progression
• Revisit your goal progress at the end of each day

This is the first challenge of my “Lifestyle transformation” journey. I am on my way to make every day worthwhile and earn my leave. Let’s do this!

A second chance

“Life is all about second chances. Not in every single aspect, of course, but we’re often granted a “re-do” without even realizing it.”

-Anonymous

Day 4/30

I got a message from my boss today saying that we need to start working from home again for 50% of workdays, effective immediately. The covid-19 cases have been on a constant rise in our state since the past few weeks. Knowing my organization, I had zero expectation from them to take any action towards their employees safety. However, the situation has turned far too dangerous now for our organization to remain indifferent. Also our state government has enforced strict restrictions starting tomorrow which forced our organization to fall back to the work from home routine once again.

Once I start working from home again, I will have great of time on hand to pursue my other passions such as reading, blogging, working out, journaling, completing online courses and other activities for overall personal development. I really didn’t want to play the victim card and blame lack of time for my laziness to pursue my other hobbies. However, work from home will effectively give me more than 5 hrs a day that I can spend on improving my overall life (if utilized well). When we were asked to come back to office fulltime in January this year, I never thought I’ll ever get the chance again to work from home. I had a great time last year working from home and staying away from my office (which makes me feel trapped) as long as possible. My prayers, wishes, cries have been answered from the Universe in the form of work from home for at least half of this month. I believe this is a golden opportunity for me to do everything that I couldn’t do this year due to lack of time (classic excuse!). Despite my hectic weekday office routine, I did try to workout, meditate and read books as much as possible however the situation is way different when you are at home.

There are a 100 things on my mind that’ll help me make effective use of all the time I’ll have on hand once I start working from home. I can sense this is a golden sign from the Universe saying that my life is about to change, FOR THE BETTER! I want to believe in this and I do BELEIVE IN IT. I trust myself to not give up EVER and keep doing my absolute BEST in life, in everything I do. In return, the Universe will reciprocate by giving me the life of my dreams. A life where happiness is abundant and every other experience helps you cope up better and learn new things.

Looking forward to the second chance that Universe has given me.

Yesterday, I had thought to embark on the most challenging journey of my life. Close to 2 years back, fitness and lifestyle influencer Cassey Ho went on a 90 day journey to get into the BEST shape of her life, PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY. More than a physical change, I really wish to make a huge change to my lifestyle and habits impacting my mental health. My current thought process makes me feel drained and unmotivated 99% of time. I wish to CHANGE this for the better. My goal is to feel STRONG, ENERGETIC, FOCUSSED and MOTIVATED (physically and mentally) for most part of my life. And when I do end up feeling BLAH (because that’s inevitable), I wish to create a strong routine that helps me bounce back to my focused self in no time. Our time on this planet is limited and I wish to make full use of it. I do not wish to waste it by feeling sad most part of my life. This has got to change.

Looking forward to a brand new week and some big changes in my lifestyle.

More on my “Lifestyle change Journey” tomorrow.

Glow up

“Transform your world by transforming your internal state. Start by learning to let go of negative self judgment, and replace it with positive and loving thoughts about yourself. Be kind to yourself, and watch your external world change.”

–Anita Moorjani

Day 3/30

I was doing perfectly alright in my daily routine till I went on a vacation. I enjoyed so much on the vacation that I didn’t feel like coming back to the routine I had difficulty coping with. Ever since I’m back, I feel like a zombie. I am struggling to get back to my routine. I am reaching out to a lot of comfort (JUNK!) food to feel better. I feel better for a short while but it ends up making me feeling lethargic and bloated. Junk food does nothing for me and I really need to avoid it as much as I can.

I had a long weekend this week with plans of making full use of it. However, my mind and mood swings had other plans. I didn’t feel like doing anything except lying around and scrolling through Instagram and YouTube. Since I am a morning person, I feel positive and energized when the day begins. But I quickly lose all hope by the time evening sets in and my negative thought process takes over in the night. That’s exactly why I need to do something productive throughout the day to ward off those negative thoughts in the night.

I’ve been dealing with this thought process for a while. Working in a corporate office makes me feel trapped and restricted. I feel alive whenever I am not in office. That’s why even the thought of going back to office the next day squeezes out the last bit of energy from me. BUT, I’m tired of feeling like this. I know that I have complete control of my life and it’s my CHOICE to be in this position in life. No one is forcing me to do this. I work to be financially independent. I am not aware of an alternative option that would help me make the same kind of money that I make now (or more) and be passionate about it (never feel trapped in my life!). Till the time I discover this, I got to take charge of my life. I cannot be wasting precious years of my life, feeling BLAH all the time.

How do I do it? I have absolutely no idea so I have to discover my way of doing it. Starting tomorrow, I’ll make a list of 10 things that I want to change in my life and PUSH myself, every single time I slack, to work on it. That’s all I can do for now. Once I have a my goals in sight, I need to motivate myself to work on it. There will be times when I’ll feel like giving everything up and not do anything. That’s exactly what I have been doing ever since I have come back from my vacation. But that has been horrible for my mental health. My confidence and self esteem has taken a hit and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I always feel much better when I take action, be productive and work on my goals. And that’s exactly what I’ll do, going ahead.

The glow up process begins, right now! I will share my experience (what worked, what didn’t) till I spend sufficient time doing at least (at least a month or two). Till then, huge shoutout to all the people who refuse to give up, no matter what life throws at them. You are the real superheroes in life!

Get over it

“You just can’t let life happen to you, you have to make life happen.”

― Idowu Koyenikan

Day 2/30

Today has been a pretty lazy day. I was so inactive throughout the day that I chose lying on the bed, thinking about nothing whatsoever over blogging despite making a commitment to myself (and my blog). For the longest time, I wanted to find a foolproof way to make my weekends productive. I know, we need to rewind and rest, that’s very essential for our physical as well as mental well being. However, I mindlessly waste my weekend, doing absolutely nothing and that makes me feel extremely guilty by the end of it. I don’t wish to have those extended guilt tripped thoughts anymore.

I know few ways (through years of watching ted talks, reading 100s of self help books and observing my thought patterns) to overcome the lazy mode and get around to do something. I know it’s weird that I still end up being unproductive when I am totally aware of the techniques to avoid it. The key here is “intention“. When you really wish to do something in life, you do it regardless of the hurdles and problems you face. When your mind has given up on you and your life, all you wish to do is “NOTHING“.

I’m sick of doing and feeling “nothing”. I don’t know my purpose in life yet but I do know that it would most definitely involve “experiencing life in it’s glory“. It’s challenging, hard, hectic but beautiful nevertheless. In order to do so, we need to may follow the below steps :-

• Positive self talk/affirmations : Have you ever tried complimenting yourself in front of the mirror? Try it as soon as you can. It may seem a little awkward at first but soon you’ll get used to uplifting yourself than shredding yourself to pieces. Indulge in a little self care session of talking about your achievements, your goals, your skills, yourself in general. This will surely uplift your mood, charge you up for the day ahead and make you feel really great in your skin. You can add this as part of your daily routine (especially at bedtime) so that you wake up energized, ready to seize the day.
• Make a to-do list : I cannot stress enough on the importance of this step. If we don’t know what we are supposed to do during the day, we end up wasting time doing nothing. It’s very important to be aware of your tasks for the day and the time slots to complete it. A to-do list prepared the night before gives you enough motivation to wake up in the morning and provides the direction to complete all your tasks in an efficient manner. “When in doubt, note it down!“
• Meditate and workout : These activities are known to make people happy, positive and energized. Doing it first thing after you wake up makes you feel productive right after staring your day and sets the tone for the rest of the day. If you are a beginner, try by doing it for just 5 mins each. You will most definitely feel better after it’s done and dusted. If you have done it before, be insanely consistent with it. No excuses!
• Live in the present moment : Meditation helps in focusing our attention on our breath and ignore the chatterbox that lives rent-free in our mind. Journaling is a great way to rethink about the day, find out the highlights of the day and write it down for posterity. This simple yet powerful activity is sure to bring your attention back to the present moment. Procrastination is fear in disguise (at least in my case). When I fear that I might not be able to do a task, scared to attempt a new thing, avoid social interactions, fear that I might make a fool of myself in front of others, I procrastinate. Work on being confident in your own skin, do the things that scare you the most, attempt new things, this will help in developing your confidence, from scratch.
• Cut out refined sugar : Sugar feels great for your taste buds but your body despises it. It makes you feel bloated, adds unnecessary weight to your mind and body, makes you feel lethargic, has zero nutrient value, pulls you ten steps backward from your fitness goals and breaks you out at times. Find out ways to avoid cravings. I used to crave something sweet after my lunch each day. I have started to drink green tea right after lunch to curb those cravings and so far it’s working well. Of course I lose track many times and eat beyond limits, but it’s great if you cut it out completely from your diet to feel better about yourself (mind and body).
• Portion control your meals : It’s no suspense that eating excess food drags you down and makes you feel drowsy and lethargic. Be grateful for every meal and eat mindfully. Remember that food is a necessary fuel to help you survive. Don’t associate your happiness levels to the amount of food on your plate. Eat right and feel good throughout the day. I just saw a brilliant technique to avoid overeating online. 30 mins before your schedules meal, drink water so that you don’t confuse thirst with hunger.

I guess that’s all I have for today. I am going to follow these steps this moment onwards. I’m tired of living a directionless life and it’s high time that I change (for the better). Let’s do this!

Earned vacation

Almost everyone who knows me or the one’s who I have met recently are aware of the fact that I have an exam coming up in February (specifically February 21st, 2021). It’s Level 1 exam of the Chartered Financial Analyst program which was initially scheduled to take place in June 2020. The exam has been postponed twice already (from June to December 2020 and finally settling on February 2021). Ever since I have registered for this exam, my anxious mind tricks me into believing that I should be studying instead of doing anything leisurely -_-. After procrastinating on it for a dangerous amount of time, I finally got around to start study diligently as the exam date drew nearer. More than the exam, I’m excited about all the time I’ll have on hand after the exam ends which will be EARNED and totally GUILT FREE.

I’ve prepared a Netflix list of all the movies and shows I’ll drown myself in after the exams. I’ve made plans to meet my friends, go for a trip and every other thing that sounds remotely fun is automatically added to this list. This is what’s motivating me currently to study. I don’t know why I feel the need to earn my leisure time by working hard for it. Nothing can beat the bliss of stress free, guilt free, leisure time that we get post a stressful event, according to me.

Yesterday I got a mail from the CFA institute which essentially meant that there is a chance for the exam to be postponed, yet again! Instead of jumping with joy, my heart sank to the floor. I’m really looking forward to give the exam and start living a normal, “not having the stress of an impending exam loom over my mind 24*7” life! My mind is back to it’s anxious tricks and is forcing me to google “Is CFA Level 1 February 2021 exam postponed/cancelled?” every other minute knowing very well that the answer to this question can only be given by the CFA institute. The mail sent by CFA institute states that they will let us know the final decision by February 2nd. That’s almost 20 days away!

Since I have no other alternative anyways, I’m planning on continuing with my studies, possibly in a more serious and dedicated manner. I’m channeling all my energy to give my BEST EFFORT for this exam and pray that it takes place on 21st February. Heck, I’m even ready to make a manifestation circle for it, no matter how ridiculous it sounds!

Desperate times calls for desperate measures! 😀

Since I feel much better now after venting my anxious thoughts here, I’ll go back to studying and hope that the exam takes place as scheduled!