Being selfless towards the selfish

“Man is not, by nature, deserving of all that he wants. When we think that we are automatically entitled to something, that is when we start walking all over others to get it.

–Criss Jami

Joey once said in an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S., “There is no such thing as a selfless good deed“. But what about certain things/acts that doesn’t make you happy yet you are obliged to do so. Being selfless is one of the biggest virtues of humankind. To keep other’s wishes/happiness before your own can be difficult and extremely exhausting, especially when you don’t want to do it. What’s the way out in such situations? I have absolutely no clue as I am struggling to find it myself.

As a child, I am aware my responsibilities towards my parents. However, when most of your childhood memories consists of irresponsible behavior, disruptive daily life, lack of communication, unapproachable attitude, you tend to drift away from the source of this negativity. You do not want to associate yourself with such a person who has caused you a lot of pain and trauma while growing up. All you now seek is peace of mind and the right to be heard, be it your opinions or choices. However, some people can be extremely overbearing with their demands. They force their inabilities onto others without thinking of how it would make the other person feel. The other person might literally be having a mental breakdown but in order to do the task, they will be reminded about their moral obligations and that does the trick.

Since there is no way out, you discharge your moral responsibilities, time and again. But what’s in it for you? It doesn’t make you happy at all, on the other hand, it’s a constant source of stress and frustration for you. So that’s ruled out. You accumulate good karma and will be rewarded by the Universe in the near future. These things sound very hopeful but in the present moment, all you can think about is a way to end this misery.

So contradictory to Joey’s popular statement, selfless good deeds absolutely exist and it makes the doer feel horrible. I don’t wish for anything else, I only want peace and happiness in my life. Since there is no concrete solution to this issue and trying to put some sense to the source of this frustration is pointless, it is better to accept our fate and discharge our responsibilities with utmost sincerity. Resisting it, fighting it and avoiding it has been unsuccessful every single time. It’s time to leave our worries to the Universe and only concentrate on things that make us happy.

Like a puppet on strings

#91/100

“To become better, you have to admit your ignorance—at least to yourself.”

― William A. Pasmore

I need to write about this because it affected me a lot yesterday. I’m sure I’ll eventually move past it and might end up doing what I always do, try to make amends. As of now, I feel let down and somewhat hurt.

I had an argument with someone over something very trivial yesterday. The underlying reason of the argument is a non-issue, what affected me was the lack of empathy and understanding as is the case always. I am not a perfect person, no one is. I make a lot of mistakes, sometimes act defensive when people attack me for them, victimize myself in many situations but when I know I’m wrong and have hurt people with my actions, I admit to my mistakes and apologize. I know an apology doesn’t magically make a hurtful situation better, but it’s a starter and the right thing to do.

The person I had an argument with yesterday, never admits to their mistakes, EVER! I don’t remember the last time they apologized. Whenever there has been an argument between us, I am somehow made to realize that my behavior is the prime reason behind it and everything somehow ends up being my fault. I am made to realize that if I can be more accommodating about their feelings and emotions, there would not be any disagreements. Consider a situation where this person truly likes a TV show that makes them happy. I have appreciated it and understood that it’s a source of joy to them. This person now wants me to like the same show, in the same manner and be as happy about it as it makes them. I tried watching the show and it didn’t spark my interest. When I tell this fact to them, they feel that I’ve made a half hearted attempt and make me feel bad for not trying enough.

The issue is not about the TV show, I swear! It’s about how I am made to feel guilty about my choices which somehow becomes a cause of their unhappiness. They try to unknowingly enforce their choices on me and expect me to react proactively. I guess, I am okay with that as well. What irks me the most is that they never admit to their mistakes! Every situation is addressed by them through their viewpoint without considering the responses given to them by others. They react in a manner that shows that they know what’s best for them as well as for every person they talk to and cannot fathom any disagreement to their viewpoints by any means. In case we disagree, it’s our fault and we are in the wrong, despite the circumstances of the situation. They have the amazing ability to turn every situation in their favor with their manipulative usage of words. I really don’t know if I make sense here, all I wish to highlight is such kind of toxic behavior makes us feel helpless as we don’t really know what’s the right way to deal with such situations and people.

I really felt like a puppet, expected to say and do as I’ve told. When I highlighted the fact that I could see the strings and wish to set myself free, I am told that being a puppet is the right thing for me and acting hostile will make the situation unfavorable for everyone.

The actual situation might not be as bad and the person mentioned here is a family member. I know they have my best interests in their mind. But this is how I feel currently and I am not able to shrug it off easily. Maybe it’s time for this person to admit that they can be wrong too, at least in 1 out of 10 situations!

The blame game

#15/100

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, it will not change you.

-Wayne Dyer

Do you have a person in your life who you hold accountable for all your troubles? I’m not talking about finding a scapegoat to pin all your worries on. This person might have actually caused a huge hindrance in your life. Your life would have panned out differently without the involvement of this person. It could be a toxic friend, sibling or parent. Someone who is a big part of your life yet a hindrance to your growth.

What do we do with such people? How should we ignore their negative energy in our life? Mind you this is a person you care about the most and can’t disassociate yourself with. Yet their insecurities, fears, selfishness, lack of knowledge casts a shadow on your life. You feel like you are are stuck in a rut and desperately seek a way out. Since this person couldn’t take responsibility of their life along with the ones dependent on them, you rose to the occasion. But this person would never accept their in-capabilities or acknowledge your efforts in setting things on the right path.

Now that you’ve been handling these responsibilities for a while, you feel lost in this journey of life. You do not understand the reason for your existence. You feel like you’ve given up a lot of your time for other people in your life and cannot identify with yourself anymore. The responsibilities that drove you earlier and gave you a purpose have transformed into a burden. You gave up the crucial days of your life trying to set things right for your family and ended up without experiencing the carelessness and freedom enjoyed by a teenager. Now that you are an adult and are ‘expected‘ to take care of everything, you want your childhood back, your innocence back, you feel like taking a backseat.

There’s a turmoil in your mind and you take it all out on the person who was supposed to make you feel safe, be there for you, shield you from troubles and guide you. But they didn’t do any of it. Is it right to keep accusing the person for your troubled past, burdened present and blurry future? Can we allow another person’s inadequacies to control our life’s decisions?

I’m a big admirer of Oprah Winfrey and absolutely look up to her for motivation and guidance. She had a troubled childhood too, yet she didn’t let that define her destiny. With everything that went wrong in her life, she discovered her purpose and aligned her life’s choices with it. Despite all the accolades, fame and fortune earned by her, I respect her for being happy with her life. Everything else is superficial if it can’t give you peace and happiness. One of her famous sayings goes like :-

“You are responsible for your life.”

It’s a simple and profound thought yet extremely difficult to implement. Especially when you have dealt with many situations in life which you weren’t responsible for and were beyond your control. But these situations are a matter of the past now. Your reactions to these situations determines your present and future.

I have to accept this harsh reality. I would be able to see the silver lining and maybe change my life for the better once I own my life in it’s entirety. I’m clueless on how to begin the process of doing what it takes to take the reins of my happiness. I might stumble and fall along the way but hope to be persistent on this pursuit of being responsible for my life.