Dealing with someone’s anger

#98/100

“Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.”

Benjamin Franklin

Anger is a very necessary and strong emotion. It becomes out of hand when we let it control our actions. I am a passive aggressive person. I used to keep all my thoughts and feelings within me as long as I could till it got the better of me. I only vented out and stopped talking to the person for sometime only after someone’s actions hurt me beyond my limits of patience. Since I always feared speaking my mind when I felt bad about something, I kept my feelings to myself till it turned into regrets. Once it turs to regret, it takes a long time to get over our anger and for us to realize the ill effects of our actions.

I used to keep my frustrations pent up for a long time and burst out into arguments when I couldn’t take it anymore. After such arguments, I preferred not talking to the person for a long time till I dealt with my emotional reaction over the situation. I have had long periods of silence with most of my close friends for reasons that seem extremely petty to me now. None of the issues that have angered me in the past make sense to me anymore. Yet I don’t regret it as I dealt with low confidence, insecurity and low self esteem issues growing up.

Anger starts from a simple emotion of “expectation”. We expect something to happen in a certain manner and when things don’t unfold according to our wishes, all hell breaks loose. We cannot expect other people to behave exactly in the manner we expect them to. We are dealing with human beings with varied emotions and expressions that is unique from person to person. A little understanding and patience when things start to feel wrong could go a long way in avoiding unnecessary conflicts. A high sense of self worth helps us get over the inertia of handing out the olive branch and apologize first to make things right, especially when we know both sides are at fault. This is still a work in progress for me but I’m trying everyday to become more secure with my self and patient in life as I absolutely despise having conflicts of any kind. I tend to think about them every waking minute of my life and lose my sleep over it.

If the conflict remains unresolved even after apologizing, the only thing that one can do is to give the other person time and space to deal with their emotions. Although it’s my ardent desire to live a conflict free life, I know very well that this might be an absurd expectation. Avoiding any form of conflict could end up muting my real thoughts and convert me into a person who agrees to everything that other people say and live with grudges all my life. All I can do is work to find a middle ground where I can ensure that my voice is heard without hurting anyone’s feelings.

Like a puppet on strings

#91/100

“To become better, you have to admit your ignorance—at least to yourself.”

― William A. Pasmore

I need to write about this because it affected me a lot yesterday. I’m sure I’ll eventually move past it and might end up doing what I always do, try to make amends. As of now, I feel let down and somewhat hurt.

I had an argument with someone over something very trivial yesterday. The underlying reason of the argument is a non-issue, what affected me was the lack of empathy and understanding as is the case always. I am not a perfect person, no one is. I make a lot of mistakes, sometimes act defensive when people attack me for them, victimize myself in many situations but when I know I’m wrong and have hurt people with my actions, I admit to my mistakes and apologize. I know an apology doesn’t magically make a hurtful situation better, but it’s a starter and the right thing to do.

The person I had an argument with yesterday, never admits to their mistakes, EVER! I don’t remember the last time they apologized. Whenever there has been an argument between us, I am somehow made to realize that my behavior is the prime reason behind it and everything somehow ends up being my fault. I am made to realize that if I can be more accommodating about their feelings and emotions, there would not be any disagreements. Consider a situation where this person truly likes a TV show that makes them happy. I have appreciated it and understood that it’s a source of joy to them. This person now wants me to like the same show, in the same manner and be as happy about it as it makes them. I tried watching the show and it didn’t spark my interest. When I tell this fact to them, they feel that I’ve made a half hearted attempt and make me feel bad for not trying enough.

The issue is not about the TV show, I swear! It’s about how I am made to feel guilty about my choices which somehow becomes a cause of their unhappiness. They try to unknowingly enforce their choices on me and expect me to react proactively. I guess, I am okay with that as well. What irks me the most is that they never admit to their mistakes! Every situation is addressed by them through their viewpoint without considering the responses given to them by others. They react in a manner that shows that they know what’s best for them as well as for every person they talk to and cannot fathom any disagreement to their viewpoints by any means. In case we disagree, it’s our fault and we are in the wrong, despite the circumstances of the situation. They have the amazing ability to turn every situation in their favor with their manipulative usage of words. I really don’t know if I make sense here, all I wish to highlight is such kind of toxic behavior makes us feel helpless as we don’t really know what’s the right way to deal with such situations and people.

I really felt like a puppet, expected to say and do as I’ve told. When I highlighted the fact that I could see the strings and wish to set myself free, I am told that being a puppet is the right thing for me and acting hostile will make the situation unfavorable for everyone.

The actual situation might not be as bad and the person mentioned here is a family member. I know they have my best interests in their mind. But this is how I feel currently and I am not able to shrug it off easily. Maybe it’s time for this person to admit that they can be wrong too, at least in 1 out of 10 situations!

L.O.N.E.R.

I’ve always been a shy, introverted kid. I never really wanted to have a big group of bff’s to share my life with. I’ve always loved my own personal space. Being on my own, with my thoughts used to be my favourite passtime. I could never really grow out of it.

However, as years passed by, I’ve turned into this person who needs soemeone around. I constantly check my messages to find something interesting. I keep flipping my phone to come accross something that can kill my boredom. I watch movies and series as much as I can. I try to spend time with my younger sister as much as possible. But, if there is any change in this routine (like yesterday when my sister was busy with something and needed the laptop), I almost died of inactivity.

Of late I’ve been feeling a lack of enthusiasm, lack of purpose in my life. I really have no clue why I have this feeling. But, it’s something I cannot hide away from.

Ironically, I hate getting up in the mornings, being a morning person! I thought deeply about this today and realised I do not seem to look forward to the mornings anymore. In fact, there is nothing to be excited about anyday as a matter of fact. I do not have any long term or short term goals. My future seems hazy! And no, I’m not sad or depressed!

I just lack focus! I’m unenthusiatic and unmotivated! I’ve recently joined a workplace where everyone seems super energetic and motivated and it has had an adverse effect on me. Instead of being inspired by them, I’ve started questioning my own life’s decisions!

While in school, I had my studies to look forward to, I wanted to top the class.

Come college, I wanted to do well in my 12th boards!

Degree college bought with it my identity, Charetered Accountancy course which I wanted to excel in!

Now, everything is done and dusted! I am a C.A., have a stable job, my regular set of friends who are quiet busy with their lives! There is nothing exciting about my life anymore!

I want to feel alive again! But I’m completely clueless about how to go about it.

There is one thing I’ve been delaying for a very long time. I’ll wake up early and go on a run tomorrow onwards! Let’s see how that turns out!

I really want to fall in love with my life! I’ll try to make an honest effort to achieve just that!

Wish me luck!

Getting out of my comfort zone

It was my first day at my new job today. This place is everything I wanted my dream job to be like. Extremely knowledgeable people, great office environment, fixed timings, great brand, yet, I feel weird.

There is this intense feeling of discomfort that is plaguing my mind. I just can’t come to terms with the fact that opportunities lie outside the comfort zone. In my previous organisation, I knew everything and everyone, everything and everyone knew me. I didn’t like the people there nor the office timings, yet, I want to go back and hide myself there.

What is wrong? Why do I feel so uncomfortable at a place that feels so right! Well, that’s the cost to pay when you venture out of your comfort zone. The comfort zone is a place which protects you from any kind of fear. New places brings with it unknown situations, uncomfortable meetings, it tests your knowledge and your ability to deal with new surroundings. All this ain’t pretty. Especially, for an introvert like me. Introverts like to conserve as much energy as possible. They lose energy and hope as soon as they have to encounter a new situation.

It’s time to be more positive and embrace my reality. Living my life one day at a time might help. I either live in the past or find myself dreaming about the future. Present is never an option for me.

Embracing every moment of the present situation will help me recuperate and that’s what I am going to do. It was my decision to move out of the situation I was in and upgrade my life. Now, I need to be more mature and responsible about my decisions. Happiness is a continuous process. You cannot wait for it to find it’s way to you. Happiness sometimes requires effort. Your mind needs to free and clutter free in order to create a nurturing house for it to stay in for a long time.

While I go back to my reality, I urge you all to give the uncomfortable situation you are currently facing, another chance. Just remember, this feeling too shall pass. It is just an illusion created by your mind to protect you from prospective fearful situations. And believe me, you are stronger than that! So, fight the FEAR.!

Hand drawing unhappy and happy smileys on blackboard

Anger Management 101

I was a pretty patient person throughout my childhood. I used to seldom get angry and make peace with most of the situations in life. I did get upset if things didn’t work my way but never be angry.

When I look back at those days, I feel I’m a completely changed person now. Wrath and anger has become a part of my life nowadays, especially when I’m in office. I’m more patient and calm with my friends and family but not with colleagues at office. So, what has changed?

Well, in office I get angry over situations I cannot control. When people keep on asking the same questions again, they are not responsible for their actions, repeat the same mistakes carelessly, I feel agitated! I fail to understand why would someone wreck their own reputation and quality of work by acting in a negligent manner. And this results in me getting all worked up and swinging onto the damage control mode. Being a supervisor, I need to be responsible for everyone’s work and one person’s negligence results in me having to answer a hundred questions by the senior management which is tiresome.

howmeditationhelps

In my case, I get angry due to one or all of the following reasons:-

  • When I work at the last minute for any project
  • When other people act in a careless manner
  • When things are not conducted in an organised manner
  • When I make a silly mistake which could have been easily avoided

As you can see, in each of the above reasons, the following 2 things are very prominent :-

  • Situations in control – Involving your own self!
  • Situations beyond your control – Involving other people

SITUATIONS IN CONTROL – INVOLVING YOUR OWN SELF!

In such situations, as you are the master of your own fate, you can mould the outcome. If things don’t work because of your own self, it’s a learning experience. You can make a note of such situations in order to not repeat them in future. In case you still repeat them, it’s a warning sign with “DANGER LYING AHEAD” written in big red letters asking you to pay ATTENTION. When you are too passionate about your work, failure or incompetence is bound to make you angry. But, if you consider each error as a learning step to your glorious future, it would make you heave a sigh of relief instead of crying in agony. Making mistakes helps you to discover ways in which it can be avoided in future and learning more about the work you are doing. You get closer to achieving the outcome you’ve visualised and know how to avoid any pitfalls that may come in future.

SITUATIONS BEYOND YOUR CONTROL – INVOLVING OTHER PEOPLE

In this scenario, it’s pointless to act angry and hurt your own self in the process. You need to realise that each person acts in their own manner. You cannot control the process or the outcome in situations involving others. To avoid pain in such situations, you need to make sure your thoughts clear to the other person. If they still act in a destructive manner, you can either end your association or stop being affected by it. Everyone should be responsible for their own actions. If a person’s destructive behaviour is causing difficulties to oneself, you need to make changes in your situation to avoid being dependent on them for your own happiness. You can only get angry due to others if you keep your happiness in their control. Break the control, be the master of your happiness.

In each of the above situation, your reaction matters the most. People act in split second without thinking about the situation or the reason behind it. Our reactions are always immediate. The best way to control anger is to control your reaction to any situation. Always Clear your head-> Analyse-> React!

I’ve tried to analyse the reason behind situations causing anger and list down the most simple ways of avoiding it. So next time you are about to get angry, take a deep breath, understand which of the above situation you fall in and think about it clearly before spitting fire!!

Ciao!