You are worth it

“Not one drop of your self-worth depends on the acceptance of others.”

-Anonymous

No, this isn’t an advertisement for Loreal. Most of the times we forget or are forced by the society to destroy our self esteem to keep in line with the society’s expectations. I, like a good child always listened and believed everything that the society dumped on me. If they told me I’m fat, I worked on losing weight, if they told me my hair was frizzy and didn’t look good, I straightened it to fit the normal beauty standards, if they told me I shouldn’t wear certain clothes to talk to certain people, I restrained myself from doing it. I did everything they told, yet, the society never seems to be happy with the way I live.

I never thought it would be so hard to be an unmarried 30 year old girl in India. As I aged, I saw many old electronics and gadgets being replaced with newer, better versions. But somehow, the mentality of people has remained the same, if not, digressed over the years! Though people don’t tell me directly, I can sense the fear in my parents and relatives minds for not being married by the so called golden age of 30. Sometimes they feel that my pictures aren’t good enough, my qualification becomes an issue at times, my location is a problem many a times. There is always some or the other reason. I’m never affected by any such “so called” rejections because I have got nothing to lose here. I am very happy with the way I have lived my life, my personality, my achievements, my qualification and of course my appearance. If that doesn’t suit someone for any reason, that’s totally valid. But that doesn’t make me any less of a person.

When two people love each other and chose to spend the rest of their lives together, they get married. However, I have come to realize that people treat single people differently, especially after they have crossed the general age of 30. I don’t want to succumb under the society’s pressure and get married just for the sake of it. But why do I feel like a criminal for not doing what the society expects me to do at this age? I am not in love with anyone, nor do I have a genuine connection with someone at the present moment. Sometimes these things happen all of a sudden, the other times it can take up to an eternity. I don’t want to live my life, feeling like an outcast, counting my days till I get married just to feel like a normal human again. I really don’t know if I’ll be able to do this though. Like always, I’ll try my best to not allow such things to affect me, however, they do hurt me at times more than I can imagine. I am a human after all, any threat to my existence is physically and mentally exhausting!

To all the people who might feel the way I do at the moment, just remember,

  • YOU ARE ENOUGH
  • YOU DESERVE THE BEST
  • YOU ARE WORTH IT

Thank God it’s Friday!

“Life must be terrible for working people, considering they spend every Friday night celebrating a two-day break from it.”

Robert Black

#7/100

When I was in school, we had 2 holidays in a week. One would fall in the middle of the week on Thursday and the other one was our beloved Sunday. I was so used to the 2 day holiday routine in school that adjusting to just one during my college days was bit of a task. As I was studying for Chartered Accountancy exams during those days, I had classes throughout the week, even on Sunday. However, the fact that I didn’t have a break from my routine even on a Sunday had little impact on me. Throughout the week I had work, studies as well as the company of my friends to keep me busy. I did long for a rest day or vacation or just some time to laze around however the lack of it didn’t make me unhappy.

Once I began my professional journey, I realized the true meaning and longing for the weekend. My only motivation to drag myself out of my bed on Monday was the lure of the weekend in 5 days. By the time it was Wednesday, I had already started celebrating the onset of the weekend. Friday became the most happy day of my life, no external situation or being could hamper my mood on a Friday. Usually there’s nothing that I plan to do during the weekend that I patiently wait for. Even when I note one mentally or physically write down a plan, I forget all about it on the Saturday morning. Weekend for me became a 2 day escape from my daily routine, the life that I’m required to live to earn a living.

Don’t get me wrong. My daily routine or rather weekdays aren’t that bad. I have a comfortable job. However, there’s something about what I do for a living that bothers me. Every night during the weekdays, I reluctantly fall asleep knowing that I’m not living my best life. Trust me, I wasn’t like this during my student days, I was oblivious to the situations around me and had limited worries to take care of.

So what’s the difference between my student days and now? Back then my only worry was preparing and excelling in my exams. That’s all I had to do. I truly believed that if I could just clear my Chartered Accountancy exams, I’d be able to erase the existence of stress, worry and negativity from my life.I felt that lack of money was the root cause of all problems in my life. As I became a full grown adult, I had the unpleasant realization that things don’t really work that way.

What is it in my current daily routine that I desperately seek a timeout from? My core personality highly disapproves my professional identity. I do not indulge in work on a daily basis that feed my mind, soul and inner child. That’s why they are desperate to be their true authentic selves during the weekend, when I don’t have any professional commitment. That’s why Fridays are special and weekends celebrated. I truly envy people who don’t experience such feelings, have a life they absolutely enjoy and don’t wish to escape from any part of it. For now I’ll try to find all those little things that maintain my sanity and keep me happy.

Have you ever felt unsettled in life?

So I’ve been going through this phase for quiet sometime now, I guess the Covid-19 situation might have just aggravated it further. I feel very unsettled in my life. I don’t mean to say I’m depressed at the moment, might have experienced bouts of anxiety when I was asked to resume work about 3 weeks back, but the feeling of not having things under my control.

Before you guys jump to conclusions and write me off for spelling out a common phenomena that everyone experiences in their life, let me tell you I’ve been feeling like this for a long time now. It might have started roughly about 4 years back when I gradually started losing interest in my professional work. My mind kept asking me questions as to what purpose does tallying balance sheets and calculating P&L serve the mankind in general. I know it very well that it’s an important job to do, people need to know how much money they have made so that they can make more the next time. I realised in the end, it’s all about money! I really don’t know if I’m that crazy about money to spend my whole life calculating it, in different ways and forms of course!

This whole mystery of finding one’s life’s purpose has made me go through several emotions. 4 years back when I realised I need to find my purpose, this thought gave me an interim purpose of going through various content online, watching videos, talking to people to help figure out my own purpose. Then the initial excitement of being exposed to helpful content online, listening to various people who have it all sorted gradually waned leaving me with this additional burden of not having figured out my purpose yet!

Is there a rulebook or textbook or anybook that gives out the exact instructions to solve this great mystery of life? They really should have made it for atleast people who suffer from OCD. It can get annoying to the point that nothing makes sense anymore. As I said, the inital excitement and energy has completely dissapeared, my younger self might abandon me completely if she found out how I turned out eventually. I was a person who believed in the lamest of fairy tales, innocently believed and trusted people around, made a wish and really believed that it would turn true. Now, I’m just few points short in unclocking my next avatar, the cynic!

This sure seems like a very first world problem right? There are people around us who don’t know where their next morsel of food will come from and mighty me is complaining about not finding her “purpose” in life! Seriously, is that even a problem. While I’m totally empathetic towards the people who’ve had it extremely difficult in life and do whatever little I can to help them, I’m really not able to silence this nagging thought inside my head that keeps saying, this is not it, you are wasting your time, something is not right!

They say the best way to help yourself is to start by loving yourself. The question that I have now is whether I need to love myself in a manner that I’m able to forgive myself for the possibility of not EVER finding my purpose in life or should I love myself enough to keep giving myself chances when I fail to find it despite my best efforts? Does this thing called purpose even exist in life, or it’s just a ploy by the self help gurus to help sell their books and speeches?

Aah, seriously though, please share the rule book to life, I really want to go back to the person I was 4 years back who had no such thoughts, striding through life in oblivion!

Thank You!

Thank you, undoubtedly the most underrated phrase on this planet. No, I’m not talking about being thankful towards other people in your life (that’s a separate matter of discussion anyways!), but being thankful towards your own life!

So we get up every morning, travel to work, crib about the insane traffic on the streets or crowd in the public transport, crib about being at work, cry about the extra work hours, go back home, while away our time on the internet and sleep. This accounts for 60/70% of an average human’s life. While studying they can’t wait to work, while working they can’t wait to relax, while on vacation they dread the end of vacation and during retirement, they don’t know how they’ve spent their life.

We as humans have the tendency to take everything in our life for granted. Be it the food that we eat, the house we live in, the clothes we wear, the people we interact with, or a thing as simple as the air that we breathe. We keep waiting for something amazing to take place in our life, to earn more money, a better job, a better house, basically we keep sending happiness on a chase for a “better” something. Why do we end up making happiness a journey always? Since we’ve sent “our” happiness on a chase, we struggle to keep up with the journey and get depressed, anxious, sad and upset when the path seems too long. What we don’t realize is that we can convert this journey into an interesting ride and enjoy every millisecond of it!

When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was to grow up and earn money so that our family could have a better life. As an adult who has achieved most of her childhood dreams, I still feel that my life is unfulfilled because I’ve replaced my childhood goals with a new set of goals and sent my happiness on a chase again. Getting my house renovated has always been one of my biggest and most prominent dream as a child. As I’m typing this, my house is being renovated and instead of feeling accomplished, I’m still waiting for a miracle to dramatically transform my life! Do I need to find any newer or better ways to complicate my happiness, hell no!

I’m glad I’ve had this realisation finally! Happiness, in fact, is a very simple process.

  • Live in the present moment:- The best way to do this is inculcating the practice of journaling your daily life. Treat every day as the D-day rather than as a ┬árun-up to the main event. After all, each day is precious, you’d never know if you’d live to see another day. So stop stalling all the pending items on your bucket list, treat life as a grand celebration and thoroughly enjoy each day of your life. And journaling it will help you reminisce.
  • Practice gratitude:- This is most important. If we keep finding things to crib about, we’ll keep sending our happiness on a life long chase. Recollecting and writing down things you are grateful about will help instill a sense of achievement, fulfillment and most importantly happiness in you. Instead of cribbing about everything in life, we can just be grateful for the small little things that build the grandeur of our life.
  • Be the “best” you:- Since it’s very evident from the first point that we need to pull ourselves out from the regretful past and uncertain future, we shouldn’t delay our goals, wait for a certain something to take place or a future period to achieve whatever we have set our heart to do. The best time is always “NOW“. So strive to be the best version of you every day, make each day count and crush all your goals in the present. Bring a full stop to your never-ending “waiting period”.

Sounds simple ain’t it? Wonder if it actually works? Well, no other way to find out than actually putting it to action! Let’s not complicate happiness anymore!