My alter ego when I’m in love


“When we are in love we seem to ourselves quite different from what we were before.”

— Blaise Pascal

I’ve always believed that love enhances the best traits amongst humans. I love the kind of couples who have managed to grow into the best versions of themselves after getting into a relationship with each other. Both partners need to play equal roles to bring out the best in each other, give that confidence boost when the other one is low, that little push when your partner doesn’t believe in themselves, basically compliment each other in a manner that helps achieve each other’s goals in life. Your partner becomes a source of your strength and helps you notice your inherent superpower if you haven’t realized it already.

Although I haven’t been in an actual relationship yet, I’ve had few one sided crushes, infatuations and possibly love (I’m still not sure!). Though my feelings were never reciprocated, I always noticed a big change in my personality whenever I started liking someone. Ever since I was young, I wanted someone to protect me and support me always. I wanted to be with someone who would love me despite my flaws (I considered being overweight my biggest flaw back then) and notice my personality rather than my outer beauty (or lack of it).

I had my first crush in school. I didn’t even realize when it happened. I used to blankly stare at this guy who didn’t care one bit about me. His friends started teasing him about it and my shy self couldn’t handle the obvious rejection. My second one was an infatuation (I considered it true love back then! LOL). We were interns (article ship at a C.A. firm) and I don’t even know why I fell for this guy. I was way too obvious with my behaviour (cared too much, gave too much attention). We talked as friends (or so I thought). I helped him with any work or information that he sought (at the drop of a hat!) and he never bothered to even keep contact with me after the end of our article ship. He didn’t even wish me when I cleared my C.A. exams (we gave the same attempt and he couldn’t clear, his tiny heart and giant ego couldn’t handle that I guess). The third one deserves a special mention. This time I felt like I met my soulmate. But he just wanted to be friends and made me his best friend, blame the Indian caste system! (that’s when I understood why they hand out consolation prizes in every race!!!). The last one made me believe that he liked me, persuaded me till he got his answer (just wanted to know if I liked him too) and ghosted me right when I sought commitment.

As I’ve said earlier, I always believed that a relationship completes a human. There are few things that one cannot absolutely do by themselves. They need someone to lend a helping hand when they are down and about. However, I was terribly mistaken! I turn into a possessive, zoned out, attention craving weak person who just can’t focus on anything but the guy once I start liking someone. I become way too giving and caring towards the guy and forget my existence in the process. I am willing to change myself completely to make the other one happy and forget what I want in life. Maybe that’s what lack of self love and desperate need to seek outside validation does to oneself.

Since I was overweight most of my life, I never truly believed in myself. After my weight loss, I slowly re-built my personality from scratch and refuse to allow anyone or anything to define me. I can safely say that I’m at the best shape of my life, mentally, when it comes to seeking outside validation. They say, you truly need to love yourself first before you can do it to anyone else. I’m truly grateful to have this realization in my life before I get into a relationship. I’m pretty sure my older self couldn’t have lasted long in any relationship or would have been trapped in a toxic one. I am very happy to be single and at peace with my own company in life. I work for my own goals, push myself to exceed my limits, bring me up after a setback, work consistently on becoming self aware, try to understand myself a little better each day and seek my source of happiness in the most basic things and events possible.

I know we read a lot about self love everywhere but are unable to apply it to our own life. It took a long time and I didn’t even realize as my life gradually changed for the better after I started believing in myself. Make small yet consistent efforts in your life to practice self love. It is truly the most important personality trait that helps you choose right, be right and live right!