So I’ve been going through this phase for quiet sometime now, I guess the Covid-19 situation might have just aggravated it further. I feel very unsettled in my life. I don’t mean to say I’m depressed at the moment, might have experienced bouts of anxiety when I was asked to resume work about 3 weeks back, but the feeling of not having things under my control.
Before you guys jump to conclusions and write me off for spelling out a common phenomena that everyone experiences in their life, let me tell you I’ve been feeling like this for a long time now. It might have started roughly about 4 years back when I gradually started losing interest in my professional work. My mind kept asking me questions as to what purpose does tallying balance sheets and calculating P&L serve the mankind in general. I know it very well that it’s an important job to do, people need to know how much money they have made so that they can make more the next time. I realised in the end, it’s all about money! I really don’t know if I’m that crazy about money to spend my whole life calculating it, in different ways and forms of course!
This whole mystery of finding one’s life’s purpose has made me go through several emotions. 4 years back when I realised I need to find my purpose, this thought gave me an interim purpose of going through various content online, watching videos, talking to people to help figure out my own purpose. Then the initial excitement of being exposed to helpful content online, listening to various people who have it all sorted gradually waned leaving me with this additional burden of not having figured out my purpose yet!
Is there a rulebook or textbook or anybook that gives out the exact instructions to solve this great mystery of life? They really should have made it for atleast people who suffer from OCD. It can get annoying to the point that nothing makes sense anymore. As I said, the inital excitement and energy has completely dissapeared, my younger self might abandon me completely if she found out how I turned out eventually. I was a person who believed in the lamest of fairy tales, innocently believed and trusted people around, made a wish and really believed that it would turn true. Now, I’m just few points short in unclocking my next avatar, the cynic!
This sure seems like a very first world problem right? There are people around us who don’t know where their next morsel of food will come from and mighty me is complaining about not finding her “purpose” in life! Seriously, is that even a problem. While I’m totally empathetic towards the people who’ve had it extremely difficult in life and do whatever little I can to help them, I’m really not able to silence this nagging thought inside my head that keeps saying, this is not it, you are wasting your time, something is not right!
They say the best way to help yourself is to start by loving yourself. The question that I have now is whether I need to love myself in a manner that I’m able to forgive myself for the possibility of not EVER finding my purpose in life or should I love myself enough to keep giving myself chances when I fail to find it despite my best efforts? Does this thing called purpose even exist in life, or it’s just a ploy by the self help gurus to help sell their books and speeches?
Aah, seriously though, please share the rule book to life, I really want to go back to the person I was 4 years back who had no such thoughts, striding through life in oblivion!